Expecting Grandchildren?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If having grandchildren is important to you, you should not have an only child. But yes, it’s perfectly valid to want grandchildren and be disappointed if it doesn’t happen; expect, no.

This makes me sad - I have an only child, not by choice (5 IVFs and 3 miscarriages trying to have #2). I will grieve if I have no grandchildren, but I will try my hardest to grieve privately. It isn’t for me to decide… but I will (silently) hope.

Sometimes this works the other way as well. I wanted kids but struggled with infertility as well. One of the reasons I would have kept going even if there was more failure was that I'm an only child and I knew my parents would be amazing grandparents (I see them with extended family, family friends etc. So I wanted it for them as well as myself. But I am from a pretty traditional family (immigrants) - I can't think of anyone in my family who is child free by choice.

If you struggled with infertility, you should know how hurtful these kinds of statements are for those who also struggled and didn't end up being able to have children.

[Anonymous]

I will be sad if I don’t have grandchildren some day. However, I definitely don’t think I should have any say in that decision at all, and I will hold my tongue if that decision is made.

I do think it’s kind of the animal instinct in humans to want grandchildren. You want your descendants to live on.

[Anonymous]

I honestly don’t get why people even want grandkids. They aren’t near as much fun as having your own kids. I don’t see any grandparents having the energy to run around with grandkids or play on the floor with them. I had my kids knowing I may never get grandkids. And that’s why it’s important to make the 18 years I have with kids count. We had them for ourselves and not for our parents. I see a lot of grandparents making unfair demands on holidays and grandkid time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I honestly don’t get why people even want grandkids. They aren’t near as much fun as having your own kids. I don’t see any grandparents having the energy to run around with grandkids or play on the floor with them. I had my kids knowing I may never get grandkids. And that’s why it’s important to make the 18 years I have with kids count. We had them for ourselves and not for our parents. I see a lot of grandparents making unfair demands on holidays and grandkid time.

A lot of people want grandkids because they're cute when they're little and they like enjoying the cuteness without putting in the work of parenting. Taking and sharing photos of them, spoiling them with little treats. For these people, a toy poodle should do the trick.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I honestly don’t get why people even want grandkids. They aren’t near as much fun as having your own kids. I don’t see any grandparents having the energy to run around with grandkids or play on the floor with them. I had my kids knowing I may never get grandkids. And that’s why it’s important to make the 18 years I have with kids count. We had them for ourselves and not for our parents. I see a lot of grandparents making unfair demands on holidays and grandkid time.

Huh? My parents became grandparents in their early 60s and spent so many wonderful years with my kids—playing soccer with them, going to recitals and school plays etc. Many of their friends were the same.

[Anonymous]

My kids are still little but I know I’d LOVE to have grandkids. I adore all the children in our family.

But just because I think it could be an awesome, loving, fulfilling relationship for me, does not mean I get any input in my kid’s decisions about having those kids. If it happens, great! If not, I’ll enjoy my kids as adults.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If having grandchildren is important to you, you should not have an only child. But yes, it’s perfectly valid to want grandchildren and be disappointed if it doesn’t happen; expect, no.

This makes me sad - I have an only child, not by choice (5 IVFs and 3 miscarriages trying to have #2). I will grieve if I have no grandchildren, but I will try my hardest to grieve privately. It isn’t for me to decide… but I will (silently) hope.

Sometimes this works the other way as well. I wanted kids but struggled with infertility as well. One of the reasons I would have kept going even if there was more failure was that I'm an only child and I knew my parents would be amazing grandparents (I see them with extended family, family friends etc. So I wanted it for them as well as myself. But I am from a pretty traditional family (immigrants) - I can't think of anyone in my family who is child free by choice.

If you struggled with infertility, you should know how hurtful these kinds of statements are for those who also struggled and didn't end up being able to have children.

As someone who has been struggling with infertility for 9 years, I fail to see how anything that PP said is hurtful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I honestly don’t get why people even want grandkids. They aren’t near as much fun as having your own kids. I don’t see any grandparents having the energy to run around with grandkids or play on the floor with them. I had my kids knowing I may never get grandkids. And that’s why it’s important to make the 18 years I have with kids count. We had them for ourselves and not for our parents. I see a lot of grandparents making unfair demands on holidays and grandkid time.

Huh? My parents became grandparents in their early 60s and spent so many wonderful years with my kids—playing soccer with them, going to recitals and school plays etc. Many of their friends were the same.

Same. My mom and dad are 65, not 100. They have no issue taking them to the playground, doing blocks on the floor, playing with them. They aren’t doing backbends with my 6year old but that’s really not necessary to spend quality time.

I don’t think gparents should pressure their kids but plenty of them could definitely keep up with grandkids for an afternoon and would enjoy the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I honestly don’t get why people even want grandkids. They aren’t near as much fun as having your own kids. I don’t see any grandparents having the energy to run around with grandkids or play on the floor with them. I had my kids knowing I may never get grandkids. And that’s why it’s important to make the 18 years I have with kids count. We had them for ourselves and not for our parents. I see a lot of grandparents making unfair demands on holidays and grandkid time.

Huh? My parents became grandparents in their early 60s and spent so many wonderful years with my kids—playing soccer with them, going to recitals and school plays etc. Many of their friends were the same.

Same. My mom and dad are 65, not 100. They have no issue taking them to the playground, doing blocks on the floor, playing with them. They aren’t doing backbends with my 6year old but that’s really not necessary to spend quality time.

I don’t think gparents should pressure their kids but plenty of them could definitely keep up with grandkids for an afternoon and would enjoy the time.

My grandma was 49 when she became a grandmother for the first time. I have many fond memories of weekends with my grandparents, shopping trips, them coming to my sporting events, etc.

[Anonymous]

It is not unreasonable to hope for grandchildren and be disappointed if you don’t have any. Of course, every child deserves to decide if they will have their own or not. It doesn’t mean their parent won’t mourn the grandparent relationship they never had if the child decides not to become a parent. We all have narratives in mind of how life will be. Life doesn’t always turn out the way we want. It doesn’t mean that we can’t be sad about it. We all have our own individual lives but our life touches and influences others and to think that the decisions we make only have consequences for ourselves is just naive. You don’t have to make all your decisions with others in mind but they will affect others none the less. Some societies put great value in that knowledge and others don’t. Americans typically don’t and who’s to say our society is better for it. There are many, many instances where it’s clearly not.

[Anonymous]

I know my son can’t have kids naturally and my daughter is a (young, single) adult who says she doesn’t want kids. I’ll be surprised if I have grandchildren. I’m fine with that. I’ve always believed in surrounding myself with people I love and want to spend time with, so I doubt I’ll do things differently as I age. I have younger nieces and nephews and plenty of friends with little ones. I can always volunteer. There is no shortage of people, even kids, who need love, friendship, and support. If they don’t come into my life from my own kids’ bodies, I’m confident I won’t be lonely.

Plus I like to travel. I have a lot of older friends who travel in retirement and don’t have to worry about being home for kids’ or grandkids’ events, or who spend holidays abroad because they want to. Theres no one demanding they be home to host them and decorate. That sounds lovely too.

Honestly I’ll be happy either way, which is great because I have no input on this decision. I’m just going to live my best life and find the bright side in whatever comes my way. My kids are wonderful people and I enjoy time with them whether they have kids or not. I want them to be happy and love that they are able to choose to have kids or not without feeling pressured by society.

[Anonymous]

I know someone with 3 children, and all 3 decided not to have children. They're married, settled, mid 40s.

It happens, but they channeled that energy into being a god parent, and supporting parents in their immediate community. They still have big holiday celebrations where their community can come over and celebrate with her and her family, and often it's families of all ages/stages. They offer extra support for foster families in at their church, kind've like extended family.

[Anonymous]

We sacrificed financially so I could stay home when my kids were small and I truly loved it. My youngest is a true nurturer. I’ll be sad if she doesn’t have children because I think it would be a rewarding experience for her. My oldest has thrown herself into a career she finds very rewarding and I think that will be prioritized over children. I’m okay with that. I also have some family members and I intend to be the doting great aunt to their kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had an aunt and uncle who were unable to have children and lived across an ocean from us. They were lovely people but not wealthy so when they began to have age-related physical and cognitive problems, they had to manage it themselves. Uncle lost a lot of weight and confined to bed. Turns out aunt was also suffering from dementia and didn't remember to feed them or take medications. Extended family did not find out until it was too late.

So you think people should have children so they can be slave caregivers?

Did I say that? You are projecting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I read an interesting agony letter in the daily mail about older parents being upset that their only DC doesn’t want children. I am surprised by this but feel like I must be missing something. Is having the urge to have grandchildren something as deep and consuming as having own DCs? Is this some sort of innate desire or just an added bonus? My kids are teenagers so I have no desire whatsoever to have grandchildren (yet), but always knew I wanted kids. Also, isn’t it rightfully every adult’s own choice whether to have kids or not? How can the grandparents even expect or demand that their DC go through this life altering experience (that lasts decades, costs millions, is so much work and responsibility), if they don’t want to?

I think most of us understand that life's deepest meaning, joy and sorrow come from parenting and we want that for our kids. Shallow pursuit of materialism and "experiences" will leave our kids with regret when it is too late.

I have kids, love them and love parenting, but PP can’t generalize like this. People derive meaning from all sorts of paths in life. I suspect Jane Goodall for example views her life as very meaningful and fulfilling.