If you are a SAHP, how, if at all, does your partner help you around the house?

[Anonymous]

NP. Two school age kids, one with SN who requires a lot of switching back and forth of default parent because he is difficult. Also, medical and therapy appointments are a bigger burden as well as locating resources.

DH does lawn and garden chores (his exercise and prefers to do it rather than outsource it); some carpentry and repair work, not much daily cleaning or cooking, some weekend driving, good amount of kid-interaction.

I do all shopping, kids' appointments, finding and choosing kid activities, camps, cleaning, cooking, laundry, vacation planning. My time is during the day when kids are at school but that is my work time as well as kid with SN will not leave you alone so that you can complete projects. We are constantly juggling. Prior to WFH I think spouse had the worse deal because of the commute. Now, I'm not so sure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Interesting thread and a curious span of arrangements. Varies a lot, it seems. We have a preschooler in addition to two school-age children, and while I sah, my spouse works a lot, but I wish he would take bigger part in wake-up and bedtime routines, or just sit down for dinner with us. Instead, he prefers to spend time with friends pretty regularly, almost every weekend. Does everyone think it's fair?

No, 6-8pm should be family time, not friends or more office work.

+1 this thread is a little off it’s rocker. Being a present parent is the bare minimum, which it doesn’t sound like he’s fully meeting here. One night every 1-2 weeks? That’s fine and even healthy. But most nights should be with partner and kids in that dinner bedtime hour, in my opinion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Interesting thread and a curious span of arrangements. Varies a lot, it seems. We have a preschooler in addition to two school-age children, and while I sah, my spouse works a lot, but I wish he would take bigger part in wake-up and bedtime routines, or just sit down for dinner with us. Instead, he prefers to spend time with friends pretty regularly, almost every weekend. Does everyone think it's fair?

When my DH was home for dinner (usually was) he’d eat dinner with us and spend time with DCs, helping with baths and bedtime etc when they were small yes. They were in bed by 8pm anyway- plenty of time to relax after. Now that they are older he helps with picking up from activities, homework or just hanging out in the evenings with DC also. I don’t consider this to have anything to do with SAHM/WOHM- we are both parents.

Him spending time with friends on the weekends is totally fine unless it is totally excessive, leaving no family time. I have time to see friends for lunch during the week etc while he does not. I do sometimes go out for the evening (so does he, and sometimes together also). I’ve never had a problem with him playing golf with friends on the weekends. If I have something I want to do also, I get a sitter (which he is fine with).

[Anonymous]

SAHM for many years. I also homeschool 2 right now, but it used to be 3 or 4 but oldest two have graduated. DH does nothing at all around the house unless there is an emergency. Literally zero. No finances, planning, kids' activities, even when they were younger, no helping with school work, no housework, no planning events, outings, vacation, etc. Nothing.
I used to think it was fair since he has a job outside the home, but looking back I see how absurd it is, and it's no wonder I'm burnt out, resentful, angry, etc. I tried many times, especially when the kids were toddlers and babies to get him to help but he wasn't interested.

[Anonymous]

If you are with a provider, this is the expectation.

[Anonymous]

I’m a SAHM with three kids in elementary school. DH does the trash once a week and handles all the mornings with all the kids. And he does 50/50 of the other stuff in the evenings/weekends when he is home. Pretty much anything that can be done during the school day, I do. But he definitely pitches in while he is home - I almost always cook dinner and he’ll do the dishes while I get kids teeth brushed or hair washed. He’ll read with one kid while I read with another etc. I can’t picture him just sitting on the couch while I’m running around doing everything with three kids! He also does his own laundry most of the time, and unloads the dishwasher almost every morning and makes the coffee. He is much more handy than I am, so he may fix things around the house (or I’ll hire someone to do it). If a kid’s bike breaks, that’s definitely his territory. Anything outside he does too - holiday decorations, yard work. We hire out most of the yard work, but if we need to trim a bush or whatever, he’ll do that on weekends.

But things that I can do in advance, I do. I do all the making of all the appointments and taking kids to the appointments (Dr, dentist, orthodontist etc). I schedule all summer camps and the after school activities and do all the driving, unless we end up with two at the same time and he will drive one kid, or I will plan a carpool. I take the cars in for all the various inspections and hire plumbers/electricians and repair technicians. I do all the grocery shopping and meal planning and and the kids laundry and buying all the clothes and all the shoes and the coats and the sports equipment and birthday presents. I handle most of the adult social stuff too - almost all of our friends were made through me and the kids.

We are a good team and work to our strengths. He is a morning person so that’s why he does all the morning stuff, but I do what I can to make mornings run smoothly. I pack lunches and lay out outfits and get book bags ready and usually get breakfasts sorted out so he just microwaves stuff I made the night before and pulls out pre-cut fruit. Then I clean up from breakfast.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Husband with a SAHM. Our kid is 11 and in school for over six hours per day. I work 50-60 hours a week and do a great deal of: cooking, cleaning, my own laundry, pay all the bills, file taxes, investments, retirement, cut the lawn, cook 50% at home, clean the dishes more than 50% of the time, etc.

The list can go on for a while. I'm also the lead in everything our kids does for school. Parent/teacher meetings I'm the one speaking and organizing the talking points. Emails to school or teachers are from me. I also drive our kid to sports 99% of the time (which during fall and spring is 5-6 days week.

Yes, my SAHM is lazy. Average iPhone screen time is 12-13 hours. I check weekly. Yes, we have discussed divorce. I plan on filling once my kid is in high school.

Do you work from home those 50-60 hours a week or a lot on the weekends?

Otherwise I don’t see how you fit in a RT commute, office time, and driving around kids to activities from 3:30-7pm every day. Plus cooking and feeding them before and/or after.

Anyhow, I know a ton of white collar working women who work 8:30-5:30 and then family obligations 5:30-8:30pm. Whist their husbands hide and don’t lift a finger.

+1

Seems like a working wife makes the selfish working husband hide from the kid and home work even more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m a SAHM with three kids in elementary school. DH does the trash once a week and handles all the mornings with all the kids. And he does 50/50 of the other stuff in the evenings/weekends when he is home. Pretty much anything that can be done during the school day, I do. But he definitely pitches in while he is home - I almost always cook dinner and he’ll do the dishes while I get kids teeth brushed or hair washed. He’ll read with one kid while I read with another etc. I can’t picture him just sitting on the couch while I’m running around doing everything with three kids! He also does his own laundry most of the time, and unloads the dishwasher almost every morning and makes the coffee. He is much more handy than I am, so he may fix things around the house (or I’ll hire someone to do it). If a kid’s bike breaks, that’s definitely his territory. Anything outside he does too - holiday decorations, yard work. We hire out most of the yard work, but if we need to trim a bush or whatever, he’ll do that on weekends.

But things that I can do in advance, I do. I do all the making of all the appointments and taking kids to the appointments (Dr, dentist, orthodontist etc). I schedule all summer camps and the after school activities and do all the driving, unless we end up with two at the same time and he will drive one kid, or I will plan a carpool. I take the cars in for all the various inspections and hire plumbers/electricians and repair technicians. I do all the grocery shopping and meal planning and and the kids laundry and buying all the clothes and all the shoes and the coats and the sports equipment and birthday presents. I handle most of the adult social stuff too - almost all of our friends were made through me and the kids.

We are a good team and work to our strengths. He is a morning person so that’s why he does all the morning stuff, but I do what I can to make mornings run smoothly. I pack lunches and lay out outfits and get book bags ready and usually get breakfasts sorted out so he just microwaves stuff I made the night before and pulls out pre-cut fruit. Then I clean up from breakfast.

+1
This is us, except our kids are high school, middle school and elementary.

[Anonymous]

He does stuff but I never ask or expect. The main things he does is work to get the money and I appreciate that