Red flags in spouse

[Anonymous]

Drinking but he left it of his own accord.

What sealed the deal for me was that I knew he had been through major trauma and came out of it better adjusted than most people. I’m not saying he doesn’t have issues, he does, we all do, but he is a deeply thoughtful and considerate person and that solves many other potential issues.

[Anonymous]

?? It’s because I didn’t see red flags that Im happily married. I weeded those out in the guys I didn’t end up with. You don’t marry the red flag guy.

[Anonymous]

I agree with much of what has been said..

(1) watch for any anger/temper issues, and emotional immaturity or emotional disregulation in general. How does he react when you have an argument, when things don’t go his way, when he is frustrated?

(2) look at his friends. We all have that ONE friend or two- sure- but are his friends largely mature? in stable relationships or wanting to be? How do they talk about or treat their girlfriends/wives? Kids yet? Usually friends are pretty reflective of the person he is or wants to be.

(3) look at the family very closely. All families have some issues and some are closer than others- but how are the relationships in general, especially with his parents? Communication? Drama? Any estrangement etc? How does he treat his mom? And any substance abuse or mental health issues are going to be a giant red flag here.

(4) Ambition/work ethic/career. Are you ok with these as is? Or expecting a change? Usually what you see here, is how things will be going forward.

[Anonymous]

No red flags. Like the PP, the guys with the red flags were the ones not to marry.

[Anonymous]

Earning potential. He's a writer. He makes much less than me... sometimes nothing at all for months. But I can support us comfortably. He works so, so hard it breaks my heart that he sometimes feels like a failure.

But we're deliriously happy. He treats me so well, and is so interesting and fun and funny and adventurous. And he thinks I'm interesting and fun etc. He's a true partner in the home, pulling his weight and then some.

We were in our 40s when we got together, second marriage for both. He's everything I wished my first husband had been. The income disparity between him and that other guy rarely crosses my mind; I wouldn't trade back for anything.

[Anonymous]

We were poor college (and then grad) students when we met and dated so I didn’t realize his extreme and pathological cheapness. I just thought it was practical because we were broke. I thought he was so “good and responsible with money.” Now that we are older and have a good income, he still wants the cheapest most basic of everything and only derives pleasure watching the bottom line grow.