Red flags in spouse

[Anonymous]

If you are happily or decently married what are some red flags you overlooked in your spouse while dating? How old were the two of you?

[Anonymous]

DH’s temper. For so many years he made me so miserable with his tantrums. He crossed so many red lines even before we got married, but I loved him and his good qualities so much. I was early 20s, him later 20s, so I didn’t realize I could force resolution of this problem or find someone better. Eventually after 15 years I was ready to walk away from the marriage and then he got therapy. Eventually in therapy he admitted that he takes out his anger and frustration on the people who love him the most because he knows they will always be there. The therapist pointed out that this is not true, and that I (his wife) was about to end the marriage over this issue.

Now DH controls himself. I have let the past go for the most part for the sake of my children. Our partnership has never been bad outside of this.

[Anonymous]

His mother.

[Anonymous]

It was an orange flag how close he and his mom were. I think, now that we've been married a long time, they're just an incredibly wholesomely close family, which is something I can't relate to at all. I felt weird about her buying the sheets we had sex on. I felt weird about him not feeling weird about it. I felt weird about her pulling him into her lap when we got together.

I was around 20, he was around 24.

[Anonymous]

A woman who keeps asking you to change and always finds things in you she dislikes or wish you had.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you are happily or decently married what are some red flags you overlooked in your spouse while dating? How old were the two of you?

His sex drive was lower than mine, and he didn't like celebrating holidays. The second one isn't really a red flag that would have kept me from marrying him, but did lead to arguments at holidays every year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you are happily or decently married what are some red flags you overlooked in your spouse while dating? How old were the two of you?

His sex drive was lower than mine, and he didn't like celebrating holidays. The second one isn't really a red flag that would have kept me from marrying him, but did lead to arguments at holidays every year.

Oh, and we were 31 and 37 when we married (I was older F) but had been together 5 yrs

[Anonymous]

I wish I had married someone who loves children as much as I do. DH is a good dad but it always feels like it’s a chore to him vs enjoying our children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you are happily or decently married what are some red flags you overlooked in your spouse while dating? How old were the two of you?

His sex drive was lower than mine, and he didn't like celebrating holidays. The second one isn't really a red flag that would have kept me from marrying him, but did lead to arguments at holidays every year.

Same here. If I don’t push certain things, even inviting over friends and family or traveling, the kids wouldn’t have much exposure to holidays and we’d be going stir crazy while he sits in his dark man cave rewatching his favorite movies. I saw an orange flag while we were dating but did not understand how difficult it would become once we had kids.

Another red flag I did not pay attention to- self-centeredness, which ties into the issue with holidays. Unless something personally interests him, I have to make it happen. The kids would not participate in any activities if it weren’t for me signing them up and taking them there. It’s an uphill battle. If I don’t remind him that our kids have music lessons at 5 or baseball practice on Saturday morning, they’d miss their activities. He doesn’t give a $&@!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:His mother.

+100000 his family

[Anonymous]

Subtle control things--I don't know how to describe it, I just realize these recently, he's allowed mistakes or errors but I'm not.

He can pass gas and no one says a thing but he makes it a huge deal and is grosses out when other do and makes a scene. Not sure what this crap is but noticing this more and more. What's good for the goose is not good the the gander. Does anyone know what this is or what this is called or is he just a jerk?

[Anonymous]

He didn’t want to help me or take care of me. I felt like I was fine with that and could take care of myself, but it was an issue when our kids were little and I needed help.
It’s also kind of an issue in the bedroom now that we are getting a little older and I need a little more stimulation.

Overall though, he makes me laugh, loves me and our kids, is a good provider, and has a similar libido to mine. We are pretty happy.

[Anonymous]

We were 26. The big red flag was that we had different religious beliefs. Until we met I had tried to date within my religion. Despite a few awkward situations with our families along the way, 20 years and two kids later we're still going strong.

[Anonymous]

This reinforces why I am so happy my DH and I were very good friends for a few years before we got together. I wasn’t blinded by love and I saw how he was in tons of situations. He certainly wasn’t perfect but there were no red flags that I dismissed. Once things turned romantic it was very easy.

[Anonymous]

It seems like you are looking for justification to overlook red flags. Don’t do it.