How long? School Refusal

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry you and your family are dealing with this. It’s a nightmare and all too common. I second the above posters saying that the situation at school is intolerable for some reason. Either the intolerable issue needs to be fixed or your child needs to go to a different school. Private, a different public, virtual, or homeschool. I get the youtube issue, trying to manage work and school refusal is highly challenging. Is it possible to take some time off and get your kid out of the area for a change of scenery and a reset? Or a few day trips? Is he anti school in general or just this school?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m not suggesting you do or not homeschool, that’s a personal decision, but finances shouldn’t be a factor. It’s not expensive.
Maybe do it on a temp basis while everyone has a reset with the goal of him going back.

When do you homeschool when both parents must work full time?

We did it and worked FT. We work shift work though so could make it work. If OP is working from home it could work. It doesn’t need to be 6 hours a day. Some could be daytime and some could be evening. Could even do it on weekends if that’s what works for you family.

[Anonymous]

Oh this sounds so hard for your family. I can empathize because I have a SN kid that sucks up a lot of my energy during explosive times (although no school refusal so far knock on wood) and it’s so disruptive to trying to maintain employment and spending time with other kids. And I’ve definitely relied on screen time as a crutch when I absolutely need to work, so no judgment from me.

But I do think the PPs are on point that you need to find a way to reign in the YouTube. It’s going to be impossible to handle that in the middle of a work day, so I recommend trying to cut it over a long weekend or take some leave (maybe even FMLA if necessary because ED and even handing IEP stuff is covered) and just bracing yourself. It will totally suck at first, but must be done. We don’t allow YouTube at all in our home anymore because we hate what it does to our kids. I’d rather they play interactive video games or watch movies even. YouTube is just the absolute worst for kids with impulse/emotional issues.

I also agree with PPs to dig into the why your kid doesn’t want to go to school. My kid was melting down at school and it turned out there was a particular class that was really setting him off (he would start spiraling in the lead up to it and continue into the aftermath of it each day, so it was hard to pinpoint the exact cause). We got him some extra supports/a quiet place to work independently, which was a game changer. I would seriously listen to him and make sure he knows you are on his side. I tell my kids all the time that even when they don’t like what I’m saying, I am on their side 100%. And I will do my best to help them if they tell me what is wrong.

I know you say home schooling isn’t an option, but I would try to be open to creative options (e.g. half days in person with some online courses or whatever the school will accommodate). And it doesn’t have to be forever. Kids change so much that by HS you may not need the same level of accommodations.

Good luck to you OP!

[Anonymous]

Why can't you just change the Wi-Fi password and not tell them or hook up their devices? Take the iPads and laptops with you when you leave?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why can't you just change the Wi-Fi password and not tell them or hook up their devices? Take the iPads and laptops with you when you leave?

I'm guessing OP is using Youtube to occupy her son while she works because she is unable to supervise him closely and get her work done at the same time. If she didn't have a job, she could take him on hikes, make him read books, etc, but she is at the end of her rope and just wants him safe and occupied. She's doing the best she can. The Youtube is not great, but the real problem is much more complicated than cutting the internet access.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why can't you just change the Wi-Fi password and not tell them or hook up their devices? Take the iPads and laptops with you when you leave?

I'm guessing OP is using Youtube to occupy her son while she works because she is unable to supervise him closely and get her work done at the same time. If she didn't have a job, she could take him on hikes, make him read books, etc, but she is at the end of her rope and just wants him safe and occupied. She's doing the best she can. The Youtube is not great, but the real problem is much more complicated than cutting the internet access.

I disagree. This kid isn't 4 years old, he can take care of himself in the house even without a screen. The YouTube and screen access is a huge problem. Why would he try to tolerate school when he is allowed to zone out on screens and avoid his problems? If there were only books to read and paper to draw on and legos to play with I bet he would occupy himself for awhile and then be ready to go back.

[Anonymous]

What is an IOP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why can't you just change the Wi-Fi password and not tell them or hook up their devices? Take the iPads and laptops with you when you leave?

I'm guessing OP is using Youtube to occupy her son while she works because she is unable to supervise him closely and get her work done at the same time. If she didn't have a job, she could take him on hikes, make him read books, etc, but she is at the end of her rope and just wants him safe and occupied. She's doing the best she can. The Youtube is not great, but the real problem is much more complicated than cutting the internet access.

I disagree. This kid isn't 4 years old, he can take care of himself in the house even without a screen. The YouTube and screen access is a huge problem. Why would he try to tolerate school when he is allowed to zone out on screens and avoid his problems? If there were only books to read and paper to draw on and legos to play with I bet he would occupy himself for awhile and then be ready to go back.

He’s a mentally ill MSer who has depression, anxiety and explosive rage. So yeah most MSers could take care of themselves. But maybe OPs can’t.

[Anonymous]

OP,

I have a high schooler with school refusal as well. We ended up pulling. I’m not suggesting pulling to homeschool completely, but if you have any work flexibility, you might be able to craft a part time model. Fusion is really expensive full time, but you might look at taking one class there on a part time basis to keep up skills in math and/or reading. There’s a couple of micro schools/homeschool drop off coops that might work as well.

Our high schooler is old enough for dual enrollment so we ended up going that route. Taking it very slowly to heal the mental health issues. I’ll echo what others said about avoiding excessive you tube use. You might try redirecting the you tube usage to something more academic. Crash course you tube also has a curriculum that goes with different units.

I don’t know how you define middle income, but you might want to look into private schools that are less expensive that the $40-$50k schools.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

IOP is an intensive outpatient program. Like 2 -3 hours of therapy in the afternoon several days a week. It’s sometimes recommended when kids have school refusal, especially if there is depression, anxiety, or other mental health issues. It’s a mix of group therapy, individual, family, etc…

[Anonymous]

OP here, reading-up on the thread in the early hours on a Sunday when I can. Thank you for all of the ideas and feedback. I appreciate the empathy too and reading about how others have overcome. I don't yet have a clear path forward, but this has definitely helped give me some ideas!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why can't you just change the Wi-Fi password and not tell them or hook up their devices? Take the iPads and laptops with you when you leave?

I'm guessing OP is using Youtube to occupy her son while she works because she is unable to supervise him closely and get her work done at the same time. If she didn't have a job, she could take him on hikes, make him read books, etc, but she is at the end of her rope and just wants him safe and occupied. She's doing the best she can. The Youtube is not great, but the real problem is much more complicated than cutting the internet access.

I disagree. This kid isn't 4 years old, he can take care of himself in the house even without a screen. The YouTube and screen access is a huge problem. Why would he try to tolerate school when he is allowed to zone out on screens and avoid his problems? If there were only books to read and paper to draw on and legos to play with I bet he would occupy himself for awhile and then be ready to go back.

He’s a mentally ill MSer who has depression, anxiety and explosive rage. So yeah most MSers could take care of themselves. But maybe OPs can’t.

Okay I hear your argument and I understand this isn't a typical teen who may be able to handle things at school. I still think YouTube and the intense amount of screens our generation of teens can consume is detrimental to this kid somehow. It sure isn't helping his depression or anxiety. I wonder if OP can hire a part time college student to take him on hikes or to visit local farms during the day instead of having him sit and watch whatever he is watching; hour after hour of mindless YouTube. He could even be watching things that incite his anger more (clips about beating up bullies, guns, etc). It's worth considering another option.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why can't you just change the Wi-Fi password and not tell them or hook up their devices? Take the iPads and laptops with you when you leave?

I'm guessing OP is using Youtube to occupy her son while she works because she is unable to supervise him closely and get her work done at the same time. If she didn't have a job, she could take him on hikes, make him read books, etc, but she is at the end of her rope and just wants him safe and occupied. She's doing the best she can. The Youtube is not great, but the real problem is much more complicated than cutting the internet access.

I disagree. This kid isn't 4 years old, he can take care of himself in the house even without a screen. The YouTube and screen access is a huge problem. Why would he try to tolerate school when he is allowed to zone out on screens and avoid his problems? If there were only books to read and paper to draw on and legos to play with I bet he would occupy himself for awhile and then be ready to go back.

He’s a mentally ill MSer who has depression, anxiety and explosive rage. So yeah most MSers could take care of themselves. But maybe OPs can’t.

They need to at least try though right? YouTube is part of the issue

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why can't you just change the Wi-Fi password and not tell them or hook up their devices? Take the iPads and laptops with you when you leave?

I'm guessing OP is using Youtube to occupy her son while she works because she is unable to supervise him closely and get her work done at the same time. If she didn't have a job, she could take him on hikes, make him read books, etc, but she is at the end of her rope and just wants him safe and occupied. She's doing the best she can. The Youtube is not great, but the real problem is much more complicated than cutting the internet access.

I disagree. This kid isn't 4 years old, he can take care of himself in the house even without a screen. The YouTube and screen access is a huge problem. Why would he try to tolerate school when he is allowed to zone out on screens and avoid his problems? If there were only books to read and paper to draw on and legos to play with I bet he would occupy himself for awhile and then be ready to go back.

He’s a mentally ill MSer who has depression, anxiety and explosive rage. So yeah most MSers could take care of themselves. But maybe OPs can’t.

Okay I hear your argument and I understand this isn't a typical teen who may be able to handle things at school. I still think YouTube and the intense amount of screens our generation of teens can consume is detrimental to this kid somehow. It sure isn't helping his depression or anxiety. I wonder if OP can hire a part time college student to take him on hikes or to visit local farms during the day instead of having him sit and watch whatever he is watching; hour after hour of mindless YouTube. He could even be watching things that incite his anger more (clips about beating up bullies, guns, etc). It's worth considering another option.

Dear PP, this isn't about arguments. It's about OP's reality. Of course it would be awesome if he were reading books and bird watching instead of on screens. As someone who has lived this, your ideas are pie in the sky. OP is in survival mode, dealing with a full time job and a kid in crisis. Have you ever dealt with this yourself? It is terrifying and there are no easy answers.