How long? School Refusal

[Anonymous]

Check out Accellus Academy - it is an online private school. My 7th grader does it independently while I work from home. It is asynchronous, flexible, and affordable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What are they doing all day when they aren’t in school?

Asking me a million questions in between raging and watching you tube while I try to work on the margins. And pls do not tell me to cut you tube. It is the only thing that can give me time to work.

Sorry but you have to male the time they’re home incredibly boring. No electronics, no toys, no snacks except maybe a piece of fruit, boring lunch, no music, nothing fun whatsoever. Lock things up if you must. Textbooks only to keep them occupied, just like in school. Get work from school everyday so they don’t fall behind. Chores would be expected on days they stay home once they are finished schoolwork. If schoolwork and chores aren’t finished then they get nothing fun in the evening either. If you can’t implement that then hire a babysitter to take them to the library where they can do schoolwork all day and also can take them to doctors appointments to regulate what they need so you can work. Otherwise take a vacation and make it happen.

Then you also have to make going to school better- talk to school about ways to make that happen. Request an assessment, in writing, for this if you need to figure out what is going on at school and try to find solutions. On days they go to school they can slack off on extra chores at home and get extra time playing video games or you tube or whatever they like. Maybe a special outing if they go to school x times.

You need to make school better than home during the day and praise efforts to go to school in some way. Speak to a professional for ideas that will relate to your kid. If this doesn’t help I’d be looking for another school placement within the month. The longer this continues the worse it will get and the harder it will be to change. If you’re terribly concerned about MH then you might need to try an IOP program or something similar until they get on track. Making it ok by letting them watch videos all day and not to go to school probably won’t get you too far. I assume youalready know that though and just want to take the easy route.

Your last sentence is really unkind.

However, you have got to get the kid off of devices. Don’t respond to raging. Tell him that if he becomes a danger to himself or others, the police will be called.

It’s all very hard. NAMI is a must for support.

[Anonymous]

Did your child never like school or is it only this year? My son had school refusal in 8th. It was such a tiring and stressful year. Nothing really worked- not therapy, not meds, he didn’t care if it was boring at home and he actually did some work at home or read. He just couldn’t stand his chaotic middle school was. Kids were so mean to other students and teachers, he didn’t have a friend group, he really disliked his classes partly because a couple teachers were awful (one was a long term sub) and in others kids were just out of control throwing things, swearing in class, yelling, etc.
In 9th it resolved. Loved his classes and teachers. He did 5 classes and campus and 2 online. Sometimes it’s the setting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What are they doing all day when they aren’t in school?

Asking me a million questions in between raging and watching you tube while I try to work on the margins. And pls do not tell me to cut you tube. It is the only thing that can give me time to work.

Sorry but you have to male the time they’re home incredibly boring. No electronics, no toys, no snacks except maybe a piece of fruit, boring lunch, no music, nothing fun whatsoever. Lock things up if you must. Textbooks only to keep them occupied, just like in school. Get work from school everyday so they don’t fall behind. Chores would be expected on days they stay home once they are finished schoolwork. If schoolwork and chores aren’t finished then they get nothing fun in the evening either. If you can’t implement that then hire a babysitter to take them to the library where they can do schoolwork all day and also can take them to doctors appointments to regulate what they need so you can work. Otherwise take a vacation and make it happen.

Then you also have to make going to school better- talk to school about ways to make that happen. Request an assessment, in writing, for this if you need to figure out what is going on at school and try to find solutions. On days they go to school they can slack off on extra chores at home and get extra time playing video games or you tube or whatever they like. Maybe a special outing if they go to school x times.

You need to make school better than home during the day and praise efforts to go to school in some way. Speak to a professional for ideas that will relate to your kid. If this doesn’t help I’d be looking for another school placement within the month. The longer this continues the worse it will get and the harder it will be to change. If you’re terribly concerned about MH then you might need to try an IOP program or something similar until they get on track. Making it ok by letting them watch videos all day and not to go to school probably won’t get you too far. I assume youalready know that though and just want to take the easy route.

This 💯. What kid wouldn’t prefer to stay home all day doing whatever they want?

[Anonymous]

My child was much younger when we went through school refusal but it was SO hard. God just awful. I agree you have to make home boring. It will be disruptive but he will not go back to school if staying home and watching YouTube is an option. Think of this as an investment in getting him back to school.

Have you had a real discussion about why he doesn’t want to go? Lots of kids would prefer to stay home but they don’t resort to refusal. Make sure there isn’t something that is really problematic. But that conversation can’t happen in the morning when it’s time to go. It happens in the afternoon and evening and you take him seriously and do what you can to help him smooth things out while he returns.

We were told over and over just get him in the door. If he doesn’t do school work that’s ok. The longer they stay out the harder it is. We did a reward for going back and it helped but I know that’s some what controversial.

[Anonymous]

[Anonymous]

Keep in mind there is a difference between annoying school situation vs. fun home situation, which some posters seem to be describing, and stressful school vs. less stressful home.
Our DC went through school refusal last year and it wasn't really about class or peers (though they were both highly upsetting for DC) because DC's mental health was imploding. Even if we had made DC sit in a quiet room with a pad of paper and a pen that super boring scenario would have been preferable to DC.
Once we finally had a better handle on DC's mental health (different therapist and med changes), school was not the traumatic activity from before.

[Anonymous]

Went through this in 6th grade and it was awful and the judgment of others made it worse. We got an OK therapist (have been on a waitlist for center for anxiety and behavioral change for over a year now), an excellent psychiatrist, did a parenting kids with anxiety group, and started meds. We explored IOP and almost went that route, but decided to go to a private school as DC toured with us and thought this would work. We have not had any school refusal since we made the switch to private. There is still anxiety but it’s manageable and not related to school. Our DC has not missed a day this year. Paying tuition is a financial hardship and we have drained what we had of a 529 and no longer contribute to our retirement. I know others think that is a terrible idea but for our family, it is the best decision. We can pay the tuition but just don’t have a ton left. When we had the refusal (and we made home dreadful/no electronics/etc) DC started sleeping all the time and was slipping into a deep depression. Our public middle school wasn’t incredibly helpful and encouraged us to apply for Interim Instructional Services to make sure there were no issues with attendance. We used IIS services until private started. It wasn’t great and we missed a lot of work to make sure DC did the virtual learning. A year later and our home life is so much better and DC is doing amazing. I hope the same for you and your family.

[Anonymous]

Following- this is an issue for DC. We have an IEP but not support regarding school refusal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m not suggesting you do or not homeschool, that’s a personal decision, but finances shouldn’t be a factor. It’s not expensive.
Maybe do it on a temp basis while everyone has a reset with the goal of him going back.

When do you homeschool when both parents must work full time?

Lots of families make this work. If you're interested, you could look to join some homeschooling Facebook groups (Secular Homeschooling in Northern Virginia, Secular Homeschooling in Virginia, Secular Eclectic Academic Homeschooling...). There will be lots of posts there from people who do this.

If you work from home, it is easier especially with students in middle school and up. For example, you can do "school" in the evenings or on weekends (if you work traditional hours). You can also use online schools (there are tons) or one-off online classes during the school day (Outschool or some of the many other options depending on your needs). If you buy curriculum, you can use the weekend to lay out the plan for your child for the week and then go over it after work each day together. There are also drop off programs for homeschoolers that could be an option (perhaps one day per week).

When school refusal arises, it is clear that the environment is not a good fit for the kid's needs at the moment. It is a cry for help. That level of stress can be quite toxic to the child (and to the rest of the family, as you've noted). It could be sensory related, social anxiety that isn't under control, the energy spent masking, or a myriad of other things.

Moving to a new situation (homeschooling or a calmer/more supportive school environment) along with getting help/treatment for the underlying issues can really turn it around and give the child the time/space to grow and build their skills.

If autism is involved at all, I highly recommend the book Avoiding Anxiety in Autistic Children - https://a.co/d/7w68QG3.

I wish you luck.

[Anonymous]

CPS will not care. Make an appointment with your ped or primary care, get a psychological evaluation and therapy. Try everything including bribing. Maybe see if your child can transfer to another public.

[Anonymous]

I had a fifth grader with school refusal and it was awful. It just seemed like suddenly generalized non-specific anxiety and as a parent it was very hard to understand. He went to Ross Center but less than two weeks after the issue started they shut the schools down for COVID. We felt like one of the few families that got lucky when that happened because after some time at home our son has never had an issue since (nor does he display any real signs of anxiety). Don’t roast me about COVID. I’m just saying the very specific situation in our family and timing actually worked for us individually. I’m not saying that COVID shutdowns was the best thing for every special and non-special needs child.

Your situation is obviously different but like some others suggest I wondered if it was something to that specific classroom environment that drove the issue.

[Anonymous]

From PP:

"When school refusal arises, it is clear that the environment is not a good fit for the kid's needs at the moment. It is a cry for help. That level of stress can be quite toxic to the child (and to the rest of the family, as you've noted). It could be sensory related, social anxiety that isn't under control, the energy spent masking, or a myriad of other things."

This is it 100%!! It's not about home being fun. It's about school being intolerable for your kid. Dig in and try and find out the why, and if you can possibly afford it, consider a new environment. Do not listen to the judgement of those who have never been through this, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:From PP:

"When school refusal arises, it is clear that the environment is not a good fit for the kid's needs at the moment. It is a cry for help. That level of stress can be quite toxic to the child (and to the rest of the family, as you've noted). It could be sensory related, social anxiety that isn't under control, the energy spent masking, or a myriad of other things."

This is it 100%!! It's not about home being fun. It's about school being intolerable for your kid. Dig in and try and find out the why, and if you can possibly afford it, consider a new environment. Do not listen to the judgement of those who have never been through this, OP.

The situation at school could be stressful and it could also be many other causes and that certainly needs to be worked out. People recommended assessments, IOP, IEP/504, environmental changes and school changes to help with this.

It can also be true that allowing unlimited YouTube videos at home and placing very few demands during the day is likely not helping the situation and probably making things much worse.

Just because it’s a harsh reality doesn’t make it judgmental.

[Anonymous]

APS parent here. Two stories.

1. we have an IEP that's full of every possible thing for ADHD, dyslexia, dysgraphia, and a strong, well run, IEP "team." One day I get a call from an APS truant officer (not the school's the county's) saying that Larlo had been tardy more or less every day for a month. I was shocked that the IEP team didn't warn me or the school didn't tell me. The problem in this case was the parent bringing the kid to school and we solved it. So no, don't worry about CPS but be aware that you might get a call.

2. I've delt with school refusal with both my SN kids. With the first, it was undiagnosed learning disabilities. If you haven't done so, ask for "a child study" which is where a bunch of people come together and discuss your child and propose testing. If you have an IEP meeting, you can call another one at any time. I think they have to schedule one of those two things, maybe both, within 10 business days.

During this last round of school refusal, I discovered that one of the pull-out teachers was stressing my kid out first thing in the am. I spoke to the case -carrier, that person got switched out, and magically, NO school refusal.

YOu need to meet with many people at the school to figure out what's going on. He's not staying at home to watch you tube. Something's going on.