Have you become more jealous of your friends now that you're older?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm usually pretty good at just being genuinely happy for my friends and not allowing myself to wallow in envy or jealousy, but I absolutely am green with envy over friends who have kind parents aging well who are still kind and loving and who have wonderful siblings. I am the verbal punching bag for my aging mother and every thing has been a living hell from trying to get her evaluated for dementia to praying she doesn't go off meds AGAIN and any interactions are miserable. I have a truly disturbed sibling who feeds her fire and lives a life of chaos and drama and I am the bad one for not getting sucked into all the ways she tries to make her ex husband's life hell or her latest friendship or work explosion.

So I distract myself. Life is very busy and I allow myself my feelings. I count my blessings and I get immerse in my every day life.

Truth. For me this started when I had kids and only got worse through Covid. It's not the kind of envy that makes me hostile to my friends. At all. In fact many of them, I've met their parents and/or siblings and enjoy their company too, and I feel lucky to get to spend time with these wonderful functional families.

But yes, there is a very specific kind of pain in watching my friends interact with and gain love and support from their parents and siblings. My husband and I both come from very dysfunctional families and there is not a single person in either family to whom we could turn to for even the kind of support where someone is just a pleasure to be around and it boosts your mood. All three of our living parents turn to us regularly for emotional support themselves, especially our mothers who are working very hard to turn us into their free therapy service (we work hard to dissuade them of this and set boundaries -- I've even gone so far as to make lists of therapists for them who are in-network and offer to help call and make an appointment. Most of our siblings are in constant crisis -- job losses, divorce, substance abuse, mental health, lather, rinse, repeat.

The older I get, the heavier all of this weighs on me. It's a combination of constantly worrying about them all, setting boundaries to protect our own sanity, and feeling the profound loss of just having no support system within our families. We can't identify a family member who could take our kid if something happened to us. She doesn't know over half her cousins because my sibling's ex-spouses have full custody and we no longer see those nieces and nephews anymore. We cannot have family holidays with more than a couple family members at a time because while we are not estranged from anyone, pretty much everyone in our family is estranged from a sibling or parent and there is a ton of bad blood.

So yes, when we have cookout with friends and their lovely parents are there, or we meet our friend's sister at his 45th birthday party and she's funny and terrific and clearly loves him a lot, there's joy in that but also just pangs of envy. The older you get, the more family matters. And the older we get, the more our families feel like anchors instead of supports.

I am the person you are responding to and I could have written this too. You express so much of what I have experienced so well. Thank you for posting this and than you to the others who responded to my response. It makes me feel less alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m never jealous of anyone. Other people’s lives have no real bearing on mine. I celebrate my friends wins and mourn their losses. I never really think about how I compare to those around me. I’m just me, they’re just them.

+1,000. Live and let live. Geez.

[Anonymous]

Less jealous as I’ve gotten older! As I’ve gotten older what I value is far less momentary than it was when I was 30. Given my life now I’d be crazy to be jealous of anyone.

[Anonymous]

I became jealous when I had kids; all of a sudden I felt competitive too. I wasn’t a stellar student but since my kids, age 15 to 28, are not good students, involved in great extracurricular activities, or working steadily- I feel embarrassed, I interact less with people to avoid conversations because it always revolves around the kids. I never post in facebook nor share details of my life other than to friends I’m close to. I gave to stop peeking on FB because that stirs my jealousy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm not, but I understand why. Financial gaps are widening and becoming harder to change. Kid problems are big kid problems. Marriages are failing or not failing. The world no longer feels full of possibilities.

+1 this part is tough.

Not so much jealousy but a lot of my perspective is tinged with my own regrets about decisions I made along the way that have foreclosed other possibilities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've become less jealous in part because no one gets to their 50s without dealing with some difficult stuff - a kid with SNs, a parent with Alzheimer's, a divorce, a layoff. Life gets us all at some point. And even if things are going well for someone, it can all change with a phone call. Not that I wish misfortune on anyone, it is just that when things are going well for someone (including and especially myself) I don't view it as permanent.

This! Life can turn on a dime. I’ve had too many times of being envious of someone and then seeing something bad happe , life cancer or a death or a kid with a problem or a job loss.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was never jealous but I find now that I see my friends aging better and they’re more busy, I’m jealous. I gate feeling like this, I’m not bad looking, more average+ sude and I wouldn’t want to do everything that they do but I gate being seen as a dud. Middle age sucks.

No. I don’t compare myself to others. Who does this?

Human beings do this. You post on threads for no reason other than crapping on people who are struggling - why?

I identify with others who wish they had stable, loving, supportive families. Those who do have no idea what an advantage that is in life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was never jealous but I find now that I see my friends aging better and they’re more busy, I’m jealous. I gate feeling like this, I’m not bad looking, more average+ sude and I wouldn’t want to do everything that they do but I gate being seen as a dud. Middle age sucks.

No. I don’t compare myself to others. Who does this?

Human beings do this. You post on threads for no reason other than crapping on people who are struggling - why?

I identify with others who wish they had stable, loving, supportive families. Those who do have no idea what an advantage that is in life.

Then why are you kn DCuM?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm not, but I understand why. Financial gaps are widening and becoming harder to change. Kid problems are big kid problems. Marriages are failing or not failing. The world no longer feels full of possibilities.

This. In my 40s, I am in my 0 spoons left to care era and doing my own thing. However my mom is in her 70s and her regrets seem to be mounting. It definitely makes me consider my choices now. My mom is always waiting - for what? For the “right” time? I don’t know. Her friends went on all these cool vacations in their 50s and 60s and she didn’t. Now she is scared to plan a trip because she doesn’t think she can walk far enough or quick enough for a tour group. She just sits home sad that she “never goes anywhere or does anything” but she also makes no effort to plan anything. It’s tough to watch because I sense that she senses time is running out.

It’s helped nudge me to NOT wait and embrace being a little uncomfortable. Life always feels busy. I used to put things off because I thought next week or next month we’ll be less busy or less tired. Life with kids means next whatever never comes and if I wait until I’m ready to plan the trip or the activity, it will be too late.

[Anonymous]

Definitely not! I’m alive and healthy at 71, I still love my husband and my children and grandchildren are happy and healthy.

[Anonymous]

I think social media definitely doesn't help the comparisons - whatever the age.

I'm in my 40s, have a great family and middle class lifestyle, but there are many neighbors and some friends who always have more. The bigger house (or multiple houses), the fancy vacations, personal trainer, elite private school, blah blah blah. I try to remind myself that you never know what is going on behind closed doors, but it often gets to me. I've always worked hard and whereas we are really fortunate, what I've found is my friends in their 40s are dealing with the same struggles I am even if outwardly they are successful and happy -- demanding job, elderly or dying parents, your young kids with their own struggles, and your own aging/lack of time to devote to oneself. You get tired in your 40s of keeping up the quick, constant pace of demanding careers and caregiving. There is a lot to be grateful for, but it doesn't mean it's always easier.

[Anonymous]

I was never jealous but I can see being so in the future. My DH is facing a terminal diagnosis at age 51. I'm 49. He wants to be there for kids growing up and into adulthood. I want my kids to have their father and me to have my husband. So, yes. I'll probably be jealous of those who have those things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was never jealous but I can see being so in the future. My DH is facing a terminal diagnosis at age 51. I'm 49. He wants to be there for kids growing up and into adulthood. I want my kids to have their father and me to have my husband. So, yes. I'll probably be jealous of those who have those things.

I’m so sorry for you. You have a right to be jealous but I’m sure you’d give up a lot of material things to get that diagnosis reversed.

[Anonymous]

No, no, no!

[Anonymous]

The gap is definitely widening when serious promotions happen between 40-50 into C Level. I’ve noticed another thing too - that the people I grew up with who had money still have money, and those who didn’t have money now have at best a low level UMC lifestyle (or high MC, or whatever).