Have you become more jealous of your friends now that you're older?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was never jealous but I find now that I see my friends aging better and they’re more busy, I’m jealous. I gate feeling like this, I’m not bad looking, more average+ sude and I wouldn’t want to do everything that they do but I gate being seen as a dud. Middle age sucks.

No. I don’t compare myself to others. Who does this?

I’m going to assume that was a serious question and say lots of people compare. DCUM is full of it.

[Anonymous]

Many people have more of many things than us but we are very happy with our lot in life.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, no; the exact opposite. I experience it much less than when I was in my 20s and even early 30s

[Anonymous]

I'm usually pretty good at just being genuinely happy for my friends and not allowing myself to wallow in envy or jealousy, but I absolutely am green with envy over friends who have kind parents aging well who are still kind and loving and who have wonderful siblings. I am the verbal punching bag for my aging mother and every thing has been a living hell from trying to get her evaluated for dementia to praying she doesn't go off meds AGAIN and any interactions are miserable. I have a truly disturbed sibling who feeds her fire and lives a life of chaos and drama and I am the bad one for not getting sucked into all the ways she tries to make her ex husband's life hell or her latest friendship or work explosion.

So I distract myself. Life is very busy and I allow myself my feelings. I count my blessings and I get immerse in my every day life.

[Anonymous]

I've stayed thin while my friends have gained middle aged weight, and I've always looked. young for my age.

And I'm jealous of all my friends who have so much more money than I do, are happier in their careers, or have more supportive/kind/competent husbands.

For me looking good is a pyrrhic victory. What is it for? I work from home in a job I don't like that much where I'm not appreciated and don't make much money. I can't afford to buy nice clothes or go out a lot to show off how good I look. And my DH thinks I'm a nag who doesn't put out enough.

I'd rather be fatter and happy than thin and whatever I am.

[Anonymous]

I don't have any friends - so there's that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In my friend group, I'm the younger, prettier one with a more relaxed life. And you know what? My marriage is a disaster. My husband is frequently aggressive with me and the kids, never pleasant and as a result, there is no physical intimacy.

You don't know what's happening behind closed doors, OP. Don't be so sure you have it worse...

This sure is eye-opening.

So sorry you are dealing with all of this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm not, but I understand why. Financial gaps are widening and becoming harder to change. Kid problems are big kid problems. Marriages are failing or not failing. The world no longer feels full of possibilities.

Yes yes yes
All of this

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, no; the exact opposite. I experience it much less than when I was in my 20s and even early 30s

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm usually pretty good at just being genuinely happy for my friends and not allowing myself to wallow in envy or jealousy, but I absolutely am green with envy over friends who have kind parents aging well who are still kind and loving and who have wonderful siblings. I am the verbal punching bag for my aging mother and every thing has been a living hell from trying to get her evaluated for dementia to praying she doesn't go off meds AGAIN and any interactions are miserable. I have a truly disturbed sibling who feeds her fire and lives a life of chaos and drama and I am the bad one for not getting sucked into all the ways she tries to make her ex husband's life hell or her latest friendship or work explosion.

So I distract myself. Life is very busy and I allow myself my feelings. I count my blessings and I get immerse in my every day life.

I could have written this. An acquaintance lost her loving kind mother after a short illness. I have a cruel mother with dementia who has lost her filter and she will probably live another ten years, saying horrid things the whole time.

[Anonymous]

Only of health.

[Anonymous]

I'm not jealous of my friends because they chose their lives and are fairly happy and I chose mine. No need to be jealous as money, looks, health, age, and relationship wise we are quite similar.

[Anonymous]

Jealousy -looks to others- like not caring about them. You lose friendships that way. Not because -they- think you are less-than. But because there is a distance you have put between the two of you. It's not been explained. Less engaged, more guarded, more drawn-back. The friendship will suffer or end when it doesn't have to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm usually pretty good at just being genuinely happy for my friends and not allowing myself to wallow in envy or jealousy, but I absolutely am green with envy over friends who have kind parents aging well who are still kind and loving and who have wonderful siblings. I am the verbal punching bag for my aging mother and every thing has been a living hell from trying to get her evaluated for dementia to praying she doesn't go off meds AGAIN and any interactions are miserable. I have a truly disturbed sibling who feeds her fire and lives a life of chaos and drama and I am the bad one for not getting sucked into all the ways she tries to make her ex husband's life hell or her latest friendship or work explosion.

So I distract myself. Life is very busy and I allow myself my feelings. I count my blessings and I get immerse in my every day life.

Truth. For me this started when I had kids and only got worse through Covid. It's not the kind of envy that makes me hostile to my friends. At all. In fact many of them, I've met their parents and/or siblings and enjoy their company too, and I feel lucky to get to spend time with these wonderful functional families.

But yes, there is a very specific kind of pain in watching my friends interact with and gain love and support from their parents and siblings. My husband and I both come from very dysfunctional families and there is not a single person in either family to whom we could turn to for even the kind of support where someone is just a pleasure to be around and it boosts your mood. All three of our living parents turn to us regularly for emotional support themselves, especially our mothers who are working very hard to turn us into their free therapy service (we work hard to dissuade them of this and set boundaries -- I've even gone so far as to make lists of therapists for them who are in-network and offer to help call and make an appointment. Most of our siblings are in constant crisis -- job losses, divorce, substance abuse, mental health, lather, rinse, repeat.

The older I get, the heavier all of this weighs on me. It's a combination of constantly worrying about them all, setting boundaries to protect our own sanity, and feeling the profound loss of just having no support system within our families. We can't identify a family member who could take our kid if something happened to us. She doesn't know over half her cousins because my sibling's ex-spouses have full custody and we no longer see those nieces and nephews anymore. We cannot have family holidays with more than a couple family members at a time because while we are not estranged from anyone, pretty much everyone in our family is estranged from a sibling or parent and there is a ton of bad blood.

So yes, when we have cookout with friends and their lovely parents are there, or we meet our friend's sister at his 45th birthday party and she's funny and terrific and clearly loves him a lot, there's joy in that but also just pangs of envy. The older you get, the more family matters. And the older we get, the more our families feel like anchors instead of supports.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm usually pretty good at just being genuinely happy for my friends and not allowing myself to wallow in envy or jealousy, but I absolutely am green with envy over friends who have kind parents aging well who are still kind and loving and who have wonderful siblings. I am the verbal punching bag for my aging mother and every thing has been a living hell from trying to get her evaluated for dementia to praying she doesn't go off meds AGAIN and any interactions are miserable. I have a truly disturbed sibling who feeds her fire and lives a life of chaos and drama and I am the bad one for not getting sucked into all the ways she tries to make her ex husband's life hell or her latest friendship or work explosion.

So I distract myself. Life is very busy and I allow myself my feelings. I count my blessings and I get immerse in my every day life.

Truth. For me this started when I had kids and only got worse through Covid. It's not the kind of envy that makes me hostile to my friends. At all. In fact many of them, I've met their parents and/or siblings and enjoy their company too, and I feel lucky to get to spend time with these wonderful functional families.

But yes, there is a very specific kind of pain in watching my friends interact with and gain love and support from their parents and siblings. My husband and I both come from very dysfunctional families and there is not a single person in either family to whom we could turn to for even the kind of support where someone is just a pleasure to be around and it boosts your mood. All three of our living parents turn to us regularly for emotional support themselves, especially our mothers who are working very hard to turn us into their free therapy service (we work hard to dissuade them of this and set boundaries -- I've even gone so far as to make lists of therapists for them who are in-network and offer to help call and make an appointment. Most of our siblings are in constant crisis -- job losses, divorce, substance abuse, mental health, lather, rinse, repeat.

The older I get, the heavier all of this weighs on me. It's a combination of constantly worrying about them all, setting boundaries to protect our own sanity, and feeling the profound loss of just having no support system within our families. We can't identify a family member who could take our kid if something happened to us. She doesn't know over half her cousins because my sibling's ex-spouses have full custody and we no longer see those nieces and nephews anymore. We cannot have family holidays with more than a couple family members at a time because while we are not estranged from anyone, pretty much everyone in our family is estranged from a sibling or parent and there is a ton of bad blood.

So yes, when we have cookout with friends and their lovely parents are there, or we meet our friend's sister at his 45th birthday party and she's funny and terrific and clearly loves him a lot, there's joy in that but also just pangs of envy. The older you get, the more family matters. And the older we get, the more our families feel like anchors instead of supports.

This. Low-maintenance, even actually slightly helpful relatives, are the greatest gift a person can have.