How do people do this: caregiving, kids, jobs, etc

[Anonymous]

I would just say you will visit once a week and call once a week. Do they have books, magazines, etc?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I also could’ve written something similar to this. I moved my parent into an AL place and have taken over POA while having a family (young kids) and demanding job of my own. It’s only been half a year, but it never ends. We visit my parent and they always want more, more, more despite parent being VERY active in the community and activities. But parent is a narcissist, was a neglectful and terrible parent, yet here I am… I even am contemplating getting on anti anxiety or anti depressants because the burden has been so much on my stress levels trying to keep everything afloat while feeling like I have zero time to even exercise or spend any time on myself. Sorry this isn’t more cheerful or uplifting, but wanted you to know there are many of us like you out there. There is so much guilt for women especially in society to give, give, give - even if the parent we are helping is undeserving.

absolutely recommend doing this! In my first marriage, we were stuck at an impasse where my spouse and our couples therapist insisted that we weren't making progress because I was depressed. I insisted that we weren't making progress because the situation sucked, which made me depressed. I met separately with a psychopharmacologist, who put me on antidepressants. The antidepressants didn't do anything to make me happier (because the situation sucked), but within two weeks, the medication turned off that internal setting where I put everyone else's needs before my own. It's kind of exhilarating to put ones own needs first, without GAF about how it would impact other people. It allowed me to cut bait, and do what I needed to for me- end the marriage. I moved out, got off antidepressants (because honestly I was really kind of mean without the tempering influence of considering other people), and haven't needed them in 20 years because it did give me the skills to recognize when I needed to put my own needs before the other people, even when difficult. Also still friends with ex-spouse, because while a decent person they were not good for me as a partner.

Thank you! I was just prescribed LexiPro, haven’t taken any yet and you’re right. I’ve been a people pleaser for most of my life bc of my crazy upbringing and boy, does it get exhausting. And yes, marriage is suffering bc of all this stress too. There is so little left to give at the end of the day… it would be nice to have one moment to myself without someone being angry about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have had to have a pointed Come to Jesus discussion with my own relative.

"Listen - you are not senile. You are a fully capable, grown ass adult. I have my own family and a job I need to take care of. Your job, right now, it to manage your own happiness and your own entertainment. You have money that you earned in your life, at your disposal. It is now there to help you manage your own care needs, and your needs for entertainment and social life. I can help you connect with people, or research things, but it has to be YOUR job to actually reach out and make connections with people and find things that are enjoyable. It can't be me all the time. Again, you are a fully capable, cogent adult. I expect that you can and will manage your own social life."

When they're at the stage of Never Happy, And Sometimes Angry For No Reason... they have dementia. I'm not sure OP's relative can change for the better, even with your pep talk. They'll probably start to cry or pout, and make themselves out to be the victim. And then OP will be either forced to apologize and make-up for her offense, or walk out and enforce her boundaries. If you get there, OP, choose the latter.

OK, if they actually have dementia or are senile - but OP didn't say that.

Because the formal diagnosis postdates actual start of symptoms by many years. A lot of high-functioning patients with memory loss linked to their "future" (but actually already in-progress) dementia will pass their first screen with flying colors. Our current tests are not sensitive enough.

The way OP describes her relative, it's likely that dementia has already taken hold. There is no reasoning with people in that state. Which is why you have to detach.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have had to have a pointed Come to Jesus discussion with my own relative.

"Listen - you are not senile. You are a fully capable, grown ass adult. I have my own family and a job I need to take care of. Your job, right now, it to manage your own happiness and your own entertainment. You have money that you earned in your life, at your disposal. It is now there to help you manage your own care needs, and your needs for entertainment and social life. I can help you connect with people, or research things, but it has to be YOUR job to actually reach out and make connections with people and find things that are enjoyable. It can't be me all the time. Again, you are a fully capable, cogent adult. I expect that you can and will manage your own social life."

When they're at the stage of Never Happy, And Sometimes Angry For No Reason... they have dementia. I'm not sure OP's relative can change for the better, even with your pep talk. They'll probably start to cry or pout, and make themselves out to be the victim. And then OP will be either forced to apologize and make-up for her offense, or walk out and enforce her boundaries. If you get there, OP, choose the latter.

OK, if they actually have dementia or are senile - but OP didn't say that.

Because the formal diagnosis postdates actual start of symptoms by many years. A lot of high-functioning patients with memory loss linked to their "future" (but actually already in-progress) dementia will pass their first screen with flying colors. Our current tests are not sensitive enough.

The way OP describes her relative, it's likely that dementia has already taken hold. There is no reasoning with people in that state. Which is why you have to detach.

This is what I am struggling with - the irony that I am finally ready to "gray rock" or stand up to the narcissism (I now know what it is) just as my mother exhibits the first signs of dementia. I guess the answer in either case is to detach but somehow it feels cruel when the person is losing their mind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have had to have a pointed Come to Jesus discussion with my own relative.

"Listen - you are not senile. You are a fully capable, grown ass adult. I have my own family and a job I need to take care of. Your job, right now, it to manage your own happiness and your own entertainment. You have money that you earned in your life, at your disposal. It is now there to help you manage your own care needs, and your needs for entertainment and social life. I can help you connect with people, or research things, but it has to be YOUR job to actually reach out and make connections with people and find things that are enjoyable. It can't be me all the time. Again, you are a fully capable, cogent adult. I expect that you can and will manage your own social life."

When they're at the stage of Never Happy, And Sometimes Angry For No Reason... they have dementia. I'm not sure OP's relative can change for the better, even with your pep talk. They'll probably start to cry or pout, and make themselves out to be the victim. And then OP will be either forced to apologize and make-up for her offense, or walk out and enforce her boundaries. If you get there, OP, choose the latter.

OK, if they actually have dementia or are senile - but OP didn't say that.

Because the formal diagnosis postdates actual start of symptoms by many years. A lot of high-functioning patients with memory loss linked to their "future" (but actually already in-progress) dementia will pass their first screen with flying colors. Our current tests are not sensitive enough.

The way OP describes her relative, it's likely that dementia has already taken hold. There is no reasoning with people in that state. Which is why you have to detach.

This. My dad was doing dangerous things (especially driving) due to his dementia, but when he would sit in front of a doctor doing a Montreal test, he seemed perfect!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have had to have a pointed Come to Jesus discussion with my own relative.

"Listen - you are not senile. You are a fully capable, grown ass adult. I have my own family and a job I need to take care of. Your job, right now, it to manage your own happiness and your own entertainment. You have money that you earned in your life, at your disposal. It is now there to help you manage your own care needs, and your needs for entertainment and social life. I can help you connect with people, or research things, but it has to be YOUR job to actually reach out and make connections with people and find things that are enjoyable. It can't be me all the time. Again, you are a fully capable, cogent adult. I expect that you can and will manage your own social life."

When they're at the stage of Never Happy, And Sometimes Angry For No Reason... they have dementia. I'm not sure OP's relative can change for the better, even with your pep talk. They'll probably start to cry or pout, and make themselves out to be the victim. And then OP will be either forced to apologize and make-up for her offense, or walk out and enforce her boundaries. If you get there, OP, choose the latter.

OK, if they actually have dementia or are senile - but OP didn't say that.

Because the formal diagnosis postdates actual start of symptoms by many years. A lot of high-functioning patients with memory loss linked to their "future" (but actually already in-progress) dementia will pass their first screen with flying colors. Our current tests are not sensitive enough.

The way OP describes her relative, it's likely that dementia has already taken hold. There is no reasoning with people in that state. Which is why you have to detach.

These are wise words. Our experience has also been a very high functioning person passes that screen when it's clear it has set in and it take a while for them to fail it. There is no reasoning with them and you have to detach. Took me a while to figure this out and I have been through it with 2 parents and an inlaw.

[Anonymous]

This is all so helpful for me to read, especially the advice about lying and not feeling guilty for not giving enough. My mom is at the beginning of this and I’m an only child (daughter) with young children. It’s only been 4 months but I am burning out and need to set some clear limits. She’s never happy, has never been happy. My therapist likes to say that she could sleep in between my husband and I in bed every night and be with me all day every day and she would still be complaining.

I recommend the working daughter Fb group to the Op. It has a lot of similar complaints and advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is all so helpful for me to read, especially the advice about lying and not feeling guilty for not giving enough. My mom is at the beginning of this and I’m an only child (daughter) with young children. It’s only been 4 months but I am burning out and need to set some clear limits. She’s never happy, has never been happy. My therapist likes to say that she could sleep in between my husband and I in bed every night and be with me all day every day and she would still be complaining.

I recommend the working daughter Fb group to the Op. It has a lot of similar complaints and advice.

I try to remind myself that this is the absolute truth of it when it comes to my mother. It will never ever ever be enough. It's sad that she is always miserable and full of complaints, but running myself into the ground hasn't permanently moved the needle for her one bit. It helps me when my inner child starts thinking I can somehow relieve my parent's cosmic discomfort to look at the lifetime of evidence and accept that I may buy a little bit of peace in the short term, but as it stands, this dynamic does not have a happy ending.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is all so helpful for me to read, especially the advice about lying and not feeling guilty for not giving enough. My mom is at the beginning of this and I’m an only child (daughter) with young children. It’s only been 4 months but I am burning out and need to set some clear limits. She’s never happy, has never been happy. My therapist likes to say that she could sleep in between my husband and I in bed every night and be with me all day every day and she would still be complaining.

I recommend the working daughter Fb group to the Op. It has a lot of similar complaints and advice.

I try to remind myself that this is the absolute truth of it when it comes to my mother. It will never ever ever be enough. It's sad that she is always miserable and full of complaints, but running myself into the ground hasn't permanently moved the needle for her one bit. It helps me when my inner child starts thinking I can somehow relieve my parent's cosmic discomfort to look at the lifetime of evidence and accept that I may buy a little bit of peace in the short term, but as it stands, this dynamic does not have a happy ending.

I wish we could get all our miserable (and borderline narc) moms together so they can sit and complain together and have coffee and at least get that social stimulation. I guarantee you no matter how much you mom complains about you, my mom would twist it into how all of you are much better daughters that I will ever be.