Mom leaving children out of will

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This topic is often posted. Half of the responses will say that mom is mean and selfish for her actions, the other half will say that you are entitled and selfish for expecting her money. I tend to side with the latter, but I was raised in an environment that prioritized self-reliance. My parents taught us from an early age that we had no expectations of their money once grown. Do you not have children so you are feeling left out?

Op here. I do have kids, and all 3 of us siblings have roughly the same amount of kids.

I'm just hurt that it's yet another example of being dismissed and not being taken care of.

Usually, I'm over focusing on my childhood and don't dwell, but the will thing I bringing it all again.

I keep thinking that I would never not leave money to my kids, regardless of how well they were doing. It's a fairly standard thing to give money to your kids, right?

(It's really not about the actual money. It's the thought.)

OP I so get it. I don't think some people who don't come from a certain brand of dysfunction can truly get it. I have gotten therapy and she understood. It's not about the money so much, especially when your kids will benefit. It's about all the dysfunction you endured for so any years with gaslighting and you just hope in some way you will get some message of caring. People will yell at you money isn't about caring and stop having your feelings. There is just so much to unpack when you come from a family where you didn't get those basic feelings of love and security-emotional security.

That said, you will see, unless your mom passes suddenly, the money will go fast and you will be lucky if the kids get anything.

My mom has done and continues to do so many things with her will to get a reaction. Sure I stay calm, remind her it's money and whatever, but in my case she has played favorites my whole life, used me for her own needs and continued to raise the bar to please her and while I have distanced and detached and set boundaries it is just these constant reminders I will never have an emotionally mature, stable, fair and empathetic mother. She will try to find any way she can to get a reaction and will probably do something nasty hoping she can get a reaction post death.

Strange story to share, but this sums up my mom. I basically spent early childhood being raised by neighbors because even as young as 3 I couldn't take all the dramatics and favoritism at home. She tried to do all these things to purchase my love-buying cookies for when i cam home, buying a toy and insisting I must do x, y and z to show love. Even then I tried to explain at those houses they were just calm and kind and we were allowed to be kids and play. At my house we had few toys-mostly they believed in just books. We were expected to be helping out or doing something educational at all times. There was a lot of yelling. I don't remember my mom ever playing with me, but my dad did some-though he worked a lot. It wasn't about cookies or gifts or anything you could buy. I felt safe, secure, welcome and free to be me in other homes.

Thank you for understanding where I'm coming from. I'm sorry too that you had to come to that understanding the hard way. Thank you for sharing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This topic is often posted. Half of the responses will say that mom is mean and selfish for her actions, the other half will say that you are entitled and selfish for expecting her money. I tend to side with the latter, but I was raised in an environment that prioritized self-reliance. My parents taught us from an early age that we had no expectations of their money once grown. Do you not have children so you are feeling left out?

Op here. I do have kids, and all 3 of us siblings have roughly the same amount of kids.

I'm just hurt that it's yet another example of being dismissed and not being taken care of.

Usually, I'm over focusing on my childhood and don't dwell, but the will thing I bringing it all again.

I keep thinking that I would never not leave money to my kids, regardless of how well they were doing. It's a fairly standard thing to give money to your kids, right?

(It's really not about the actual money. It's the thought.)

OP I so get it. I don't think some people who don't come from a certain brand of dysfunction can truly get it. I have gotten therapy and she understood. It's not about the money so much, especially when your kids will benefit. It's about all the dysfunction you endured for so any years with gaslighting and you just hope in some way you will get some message of caring. People will yell at you money isn't about caring and stop having your feelings. There is just so much to unpack when you come from a family where you didn't get those basic feelings of love and security-emotional security.

That said, you will see, unless your mom passes suddenly, the money will go fast and you will be lucky if the kids get anything.

My mom has done and continues to do so many things with her will to get a reaction. Sure I stay calm, remind her it's money and whatever, but in my case she has played favorites my whole life, used me for her own needs and continued to raise the bar to please her and while I have distanced and detached and set boundaries it is just these constant reminders I will never have an emotionally mature, stable, fair and empathetic mother. She will try to find any way she can to get a reaction and will probably do something nasty hoping she can get a reaction post death.

Strange story to share, but this sums up my mom. I basically spent early childhood being raised by neighbors because even as young as 3 I couldn't take all the dramatics and favoritism at home. She tried to do all these things to purchase my love-buying cookies for when i cam home, buying a toy and insisting I must do x, y and z to show love. Even then I tried to explain at those houses they were just calm and kind and we were allowed to be kids and play. At my house we had few toys-mostly they believed in just books. We were expected to be helping out or doing something educational at all times. There was a lot of yelling. I don't remember my mom ever playing with me, but my dad did some-though he worked a lot. It wasn't about cookies or gifts or anything you could buy. I felt safe, secure, welcome and free to be me in other homes.

Thank you for understanding where I'm coming from. I'm sorry too that you had to come to that understanding the hard way. Thank you for sharing.

Sounds like in both situations, you people just don’t like your moms. It is not a requirement that parents play with their kids. Kids can play with each other. Signed, working mom who never liked playing as an adult and hence didn’t do it much. Neither did my mom but that would be a total non-issue in my list of complaints. It seems that something went wrong in your developments, I don’t know what it is but to blame parents for not playing with dolls or puzzles and encouraging reading and education does make a bad parent. This is just weird.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This topic is often posted. Half of the responses will say that mom is mean and selfish for her actions, the other half will say that you are entitled and selfish for expecting her money. I tend to side with the latter, but I was raised in an environment that prioritized self-reliance. My parents taught us from an early age that we had no expectations of their money once grown. Do you not have children so you are feeling left out?

Op here. I do have kids, and all 3 of us siblings have roughly the same amount of kids.

I'm just hurt that it's yet another example of being dismissed and not being taken care of.

Usually, I'm over focusing on my childhood and don't dwell, but the will thing I bringing it all again.

I keep thinking that I would never not leave money to my kids, regardless of how well they were doing. It's a fairly standard thing to give money to your kids, right?

(It's really not about the actual money. It's the thought.)

OP I so get it. I don't think some people who don't come from a certain brand of dysfunction can truly get it. I have gotten therapy and she understood. It's not about the money so much, especially when your kids will benefit. It's about all the dysfunction you endured for so any years with gaslighting and you just hope in some way you will get some message of caring. People will yell at you money isn't about caring and stop having your feelings. There is just so much to unpack when you come from a family where you didn't get those basic feelings of love and security-emotional security.

That said, you will see, unless your mom passes suddenly, the money will go fast and you will be lucky if the kids get anything.

My mom has done and continues to do so many things with her will to get a reaction. Sure I stay calm, remind her it's money and whatever, but in my case she has played favorites my whole life, used me for her own needs and continued to raise the bar to please her and while I have distanced and detached and set boundaries it is just these constant reminders I will never have an emotionally mature, stable, fair and empathetic mother. She will try to find any way she can to get a reaction and will probably do something nasty hoping she can get a reaction post death.

Strange story to share, but this sums up my mom. I basically spent early childhood being raised by neighbors because even as young as 3 I couldn't take all the dramatics and favoritism at home. She tried to do all these things to purchase my love-buying cookies for when i cam home, buying a toy and insisting I must do x, y and z to show love. Even then I tried to explain at those houses they were just calm and kind and we were allowed to be kids and play. At my house we had few toys-mostly they believed in just books. We were expected to be helping out or doing something educational at all times. There was a lot of yelling. I don't remember my mom ever playing with me, but my dad did some-though he worked a lot. It wasn't about cookies or gifts or anything you could buy. I felt safe, secure, welcome and free to be me in other homes.

Thank you for understanding where I'm coming from. I'm sorry too that you had to come to that understanding the hard way. Thank you for sharing.

Sounds like in both situations, you people just don’t like your moms. It is not a requirement that parents play with their kids. Kids can play with each other. Signed, working mom who never liked playing as an adult and hence didn’t do it much. Neither did my mom but that would be a total non-issue in my list of complaints. It seems that something went wrong in your developments, I don’t know what it is but to blame parents for not playing with dolls or puzzles and encouraging reading and education does make a bad parent. This is just weird.

Ok defensive working-mom, I think the main idea of PP's post was That she "will never have an emotionally mature, stable, fair and empathetic mother. " Her mom not playing with her when she was a child was perhaps emblematic of her mom's general lack of warmth, caring, and interest in her, as a child.

Hope this helps you understand.

[Anonymous]

I question the emotional maturity of a person who calls other women “defensive working moms”. You disqualified yourself right there.

[Anonymous]

I know that generation skipping has become "a thing" but I don't really understand the reasoning behind it. People never used to do it that way. Is this a tax a thing?

Personally, I feel that any money should naturally go to your adult children and it will be the adult children who will hand down to your grandchildren (their children).

Why muddy the water?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm the child and am going to talk to my mom about how I feel. But I'm pretty upset, so wanted to get feedback before I do.

I am one of 3 kids. My mom has said since we are all doing great and have plenty of money (debatable on both points), she is going to leave all of her money to the grandchildren (ages 9-24).

Nice thought on the grandchildren, but I'm really hurt, and it brings up a lot of memories about how my mom has always done the minimum (emotionally and financially) for me and my siblings.

My siblings and I are all doing fine, but not crazy well. It's not a huge amount of money ($600K at the most, but I'm sure most/all of it will be used up for mom's care as she ages).

One more point, my mom and one of my siblings have a turbulent relationship/don't talk much. I wonder if the grandchildren thing is a way to cut my sibling out of the will.

I get it, OP. It's weirdly painful to be left out of a will. It's your parents' last act and they didn't think of you or acknowledge you. It's sh*tty.

But it's not your money and not worth fighting over. Just let it go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I guess I would see giving my children (her grandchildren) money is essentially giving me money. I’d be ok with it and happy for my kids.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous[b wrote:]Just be thankful it’s not a dog shelter[/b] or her new husband. Also I would worry about my kids and not my sibling with a turbulent relationship.
Hopefully you will get to guide your kids on how to use the money wisely.

If it's the grandparents' money to do as they wish they can give it to a dog's shelter and it doesn't deserve any side eye or judgement from you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know that generation skipping has become "a thing" but I don't really understand the reasoning behind it. People never used to do it that way. Is this a tax a thing?

Personally, I feel that any money should naturally go to your adult children and it will be the adult children who will hand down to your grandchildren (their children).

Why muddy the water?

It’s because people are living longer. My parents are in their 70s and their parents are starting to pass away (both have one surviving parent). My parents retired 5-10 years ago and don’t need the money now. Giving to grandkids helps skip this problem.

People need to start rethinking wills. Money should ideally be passed along the way, not some huge amount you get when you’re elderly already. It would be better to pay for kids colleges, weddings and down payments instead like the rich do. Instead middle class parents are making kids take on debt and then leaving money later.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This topic is often posted. Half of the responses will say that mom is mean and selfish for her actions, the other half will say that you are entitled and selfish for expecting her money. I tend to side with the latter, but I was raised in an environment that prioritized self-reliance. My parents taught us from an early age that we had no expectations of their money once grown. Do you not have children so you are feeling left out?

Op here. I do have kids, and all 3 of us siblings have roughly the same amount of kids.

I'm just hurt that it's yet another example of being dismissed and not being taken care of.

Usually, I'm over focusing on my childhood and don't dwell, but the will thing I bringing it all again.

I keep thinking that I would never not leave money to my kids, regardless of how well they were doing. It's a fairly standard thing to give money to your kids, right?

(It's really not about the actual money. It's the thought.)

OP I so get it. I don't think some people who don't come from a certain brand of dysfunction can truly get it. I have gotten therapy and she understood. It's not about the money so much, especially when your kids will benefit. It's about all the dysfunction you endured for so any years with gaslighting and you just hope in some way you will get some message of caring. People will yell at you money isn't about caring and stop having your feelings. There is just so much to unpack when you come from a family where you didn't get those basic feelings of love and security-emotional security.

That said, you will see, unless your mom passes suddenly, the money will go fast and you will be lucky if the kids get anything.

My mom has done and continues to do so many things with her will to get a reaction. Sure I stay calm, remind her it's money and whatever, but in my case she has played favorites my whole life, used me for her own needs and continued to raise the bar to please her and while I have distanced and detached and set boundaries it is just these constant reminders I will never have an emotionally mature, stable, fair and empathetic mother. She will try to find any way she can to get a reaction and will probably do something nasty hoping she can get a reaction post death.

Strange story to share, but this sums up my mom. I basically spent early childhood being raised by neighbors because even as young as 3 I couldn't take all the dramatics and favoritism at home. She tried to do all these things to purchase my love-buying cookies for when i cam home, buying a toy and insisting I must do x, y and z to show love. Even then I tried to explain at those houses they were just calm and kind and we were allowed to be kids and play. At my house we had few toys-mostly they believed in just books. We were expected to be helping out or doing something educational at all times. There was a lot of yelling. I don't remember my mom ever playing with me, but my dad did some-though he worked a lot. It wasn't about cookies or gifts or anything you could buy. I felt safe, secure, welcome and free to be me in other homes.

Thank you for understanding where I'm coming from. I'm sorry too that you had to come to that understanding the hard way. Thank you for sharing.

Sounds like in both situations, you people just don’t like your moms. It is not a requirement that parents play with their kids. Kids can play with each other. Signed, working mom who never liked playing as an adult and hence didn’t do it much. Neither did my mom but that would be a total non-issue in my list of complaints. It seems that something went wrong in your developments, I don’t know what it is but to blame parents for not playing with dolls or puzzles and encouraging reading and education does make a bad parent. This is just weird.

np I would have settled for my mom to love me unconditionally. But she is a narcissist so it is all about her. If we are thin and have the "right" job and have gone to the "right" schools than we are worthy of her love. And btw, she never played with us and we weren't allowed too many toys because it would clutter her house. No matter what we do for her it is never enough. She is never happy.

I actually am assuming she won't give me any money ( or my kids) and so I have let everything go. But, in my past it would have hurt.

Op I wouldn't bring it up becasue it will do no good

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know that generation skipping has become "a thing" but I don't really understand the reasoning behind it. People never used to do it that way. Is this a tax a thing?

Personally, I feel that any money should naturally go to your adult children and it will be the adult children who will hand down to your grandchildren (their children).

Why muddy the water?

It’s because people are living longer. My parents are in their 70s and their parents are starting to pass away (both have one surviving parent). My parents retired 5-10 years ago and don’t need the money now. Giving to grandkids helps skip this problem.

People need to start rethinking wills. Money should ideally be passed along the way, not some huge amount you get when you’re elderly already. It would be better to pay for kids colleges, weddings and down payments instead like the rich do. Instead middle class parents are making kids take on debt and then leaving money later.

If a parent leaves their 70 year adult child an inheritance then the adult child would leave an inheritance to their own children and so on and so forth.

Ultimately it's the parents' money to do with as they see fit. But a grandchild's big wedding is more of a want than a 70 year old person's need for help with yard work, house keeping, etc. is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know that generation skipping has become "a thing" but I don't really understand the reasoning behind it. People never used to do it that way. Is this a tax a thing?

Personally, I feel that any money should naturally go to your adult children and it will be the adult children who will hand down to your grandchildren (their children).

Why muddy the water?

It’s because people are living longer. My parents are in their 70s and their parents are starting to pass away (both have one surviving parent). My parents retired 5-10 years ago and don’t need the money now. Giving to grandkids helps skip this problem.

People need to start rethinking wills. Money should ideally be passed along the way, not some huge amount you get when you’re elderly already. It would be better to pay for kids colleges, weddings and down payments instead like the rich do. Instead middle class parents are making kids take on debt and then leaving money later.

If a parent leaves their 70 year adult child an inheritance then the adult child would leave an inheritance to their own children and so on and so forth.

Ultimately it's the parents' money to do with as they see fit. But a grandchild's big wedding is more of a want than a 70 year old person's need for help with yard work, house keeping, etc. is.

The 70year old kid already saved plenty for their retirement and is done saving for that. Whereas the money would mean the 30 or 40 year old grandkid can have more kids, pay for their kids college, afford a home in a school district.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know that generation skipping has become "a thing" but I don't really understand the reasoning behind it. People never used to do it that way. Is this a tax a thing?

Personally, I feel that any money should naturally go to your adult children and it will be the adult children who will hand down to your grandchildren (their children).

Why muddy the water?

It’s because people are living longer. My parents are in their 70s and their parents are starting to pass away (both have one surviving parent). My parents retired 5-10 years ago and don’t need the money now. Giving to grandkids helps skip this problem.

People need to start rethinking wills. Money should ideally be passed along the way, not some huge amount you get when you’re elderly already. It would be better to pay for kids colleges, weddings and down payments instead like the rich do. Instead middle class parents are making kids take on debt and then leaving money later.

If a parent leaves their 70 year adult child an inheritance then the adult child would leave an inheritance to their own children and so on and so forth.

Ultimately it's the parents' money to do with as they see fit. But a grandchild's big wedding is more of a want than a 70 year old person's need for help with yard work, house keeping, etc. is.

The 70year old kid already saved plenty for their retirement and is done saving for that. Whereas the money would mean the 30 or 40 year old grandkid can have more kids, pay for their kids college, afford a home in a school district.

The grandchildren are young and able bodied and can still work. The 70 year old is usually not still working. And most people lose their parents when they are in their 50's and 60's anyway. Most 70 year old people do not still have living parents.

But the bottom line is, it is the parents' money to do with as they please. If they want to skip over their own children and leave money for the grandkids, instead. They can do it. I, personally, would prefer to leave to my next of kin which would be my children.

[Anonymous]

Also remember that older people earned their income during pre-inflation years. What they thought was a nice nest egg has really been hit hard.

[Anonymous]

I don't understand the resentment. My husband and I would be very happy if our kids were direct beneficiaries of their grandparents' money.