Mom leaving children out of will

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would prefer this actually.

+1 My parents never gave me a dime, they didn't really have money and when they passed away, there was barely enough to cover their debt. But if they had 600k leftover, I'd be thrilled. And if they chose to give it to my kids instead of me, I'd be really happy. I think it's a great thing to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sadly parents sometimes use wills as their final way to create dysfunction. As you implied it isn’t much given cost if care and you will be lucky if it even covers her care. Sharing your feelings may just feed drama. Her money, her choice. You get to chose how you do or do not help and how you remember her. Spend the money on her care and do only what you can handle without resentment. She did minimum and you can too.

+1

Parents (usually mothers, since women generally live longer than men) prone to drama like to extend it to their grave, OP. Expect nothing. At least they are leaving it evenly to the grandkids!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hmmm. This would not bother me in the slightest.

+1
As long as she leaves it to all grandkids equally, I would have zero issue with it. Could help for college, a down payment, etc. Would not bother me at all

[Anonymous]

This is why people should never ever rely on getting an inheritance when planning for their future.

Anyway, it's not like she's leaving all her money to a stranger or some random charity. It's going to your children. It's actually very, very common to skip a generation. My own parents are planning to do this, too and I'm not the least bit concerned about it.

I read your update and you need therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This topic is often posted. Half of the responses will say that mom is mean and selfish for her actions, the other half will say that you are entitled and selfish for expecting her money. I tend to side with the latter, but I was raised in an environment that prioritized self-reliance. My parents taught us from an early age that we had no expectations of their money once grown. Do you not have children so you are feeling left out?

Op here. I do have kids, and all 3 of us siblings have roughly the same amount of kids.

I'm just hurt that it's yet another example of being dismissed and not being taken care of.

Usually, I'm over focusing on my childhood and don't dwell, but the will thing I bringing it all again.

I keep thinking that I would never not leave money to my kids, regardless of how well they were doing. It's a fairly standard thing to give money to your kids, right?

(It's really not about the actual money. It's the thought.)

You have issues.

[Anonymous]

Since every sibling has a roughly equal number of kids, I wouldn’t worry about this.

One, you will probably end up spending most of it on her care anyway.

Two, it will benefit you because your kids can use it to pay for things you might otherwise have paid for. College, wedding etc.

[Anonymous]

OP I would NOT engage on this. Your feelings are legit. But if your mom doesn't understand why this is hurtful, there is nothing you can do or say.

[Anonymous]

Just remind her to call the grandkids when she needs someone to take care of her.

[Anonymous]

Let her do what she wants. You shouldn’t expect anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is why people should never ever rely on getting an inheritance when planning for their future.

Anyway, it's not like she's leaving all her money to a stranger or some random charity. It's going to your children. It's actually very, very common to skip a generation. My own parents are planning to do this, too and I'm not the least bit concerned about it.

I read your update and you need therapy.

OP here. Clearly I do! This has brought up a lot of bad feelings from my youth. And it doesn't help that my mom is going through early stages of dementia (and in denial and angry).

Thanks for everyone's input. I think it will help me to get over my negative feelings.

[Anonymous]

Hmm. If you think this is another proof that your mother doesn't care about you, then maybe you need to re-examine the things she did before that led you to that conclusion. Maybe she's been a decent parent all along, because this will thing sure isn't a bad move!

[Anonymous]

I feel like this is good for you OP, you can essentially direct this for your kid’s, wedding, down payment and use it as a reason to not pay for those you chose not to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This topic is often posted. Half of the responses will say that mom is mean and selfish for her actions, the other half will say that you are entitled and selfish for expecting her money. I tend to side with the latter, but I was raised in an environment that prioritized self-reliance. My parents taught us from an early age that we had no expectations of their money once grown. Do you not have children so you are feeling left out?

Op here. I do have kids, and all 3 of us siblings have roughly the same amount of kids.

I'm just hurt that it's yet another example of being dismissed and not being taken care of.

Usually, I'm over focusing on my childhood and don't dwell, but the will thing I bringing it all again.

I keep thinking that I would never not leave money to my kids, regardless of how well they were doing. It's a fairly standard thing to give money to your kids, right?

(It's really not about the actual money. It's the thought.)

OP I so get it. I don't think some people who don't come from a certain brand of dysfunction can truly get it. I have gotten therapy and she understood. It's not about the money so much, especially when your kids will benefit. It's about all the dysfunction you endured for so any years with gaslighting and you just hope in some way you will get some message of caring. People will yell at you money isn't about caring and stop having your feelings. There is just so much to unpack when you come from a family where you didn't get those basic feelings of love and security-emotional security.

That said, you will see, unless your mom passes suddenly, the money will go fast and you will be lucky if the kids get anything.

My mom has done and continues to do so many things with her will to get a reaction. Sure I stay calm, remind her it's money and whatever, but in my case she has played favorites my whole life, used me for her own needs and continued to raise the bar to please her and while I have distanced and detached and set boundaries it is just these constant reminders I will never have an emotionally mature, stable, fair and empathetic mother. She will try to find any way she can to get a reaction and will probably do something nasty hoping she can get a reaction post death.

Strange story to share, but this sums up my mom. I basically spent early childhood being raised by neighbors because even as young as 3 I couldn't take all the dramatics and favoritism at home. She tried to do all these things to purchase my love-buying cookies for when i cam home, buying a toy and insisting I must do x, y and z to show love. Even then I tried to explain at those houses they were just calm and kind and we were allowed to be kids and play. At my house we had few toys-mostly they believed in just books. We were expected to be helping out or doing something educational at all times. There was a lot of yelling. I don't remember my mom ever playing with me, but my dad did some-though he worked a lot. It wasn't about cookies or gifts or anything you could buy. I felt safe, secure, welcome and free to be me in other homes.

[Anonymous]

I’d be fine with it. The amount won’t change my life but it will be great for my kids. I declined my inheritance so it could go directly to my kids who were in their early 30’s, married and having kids.

[Anonymous]

That money will be life changing for your kids but will not change your life much at all. People used to die at like 50 and leave their kids the family farm. Now it’s like 90 and their kids are already retired.