Asking kids their opinion on divorcing

[Anonymous]

XDH asked 16-year-old DS. I don’t know how DS responded and I’d never ask DS.

But DS has said multiple times that it traumatized him. Even though both kids frequently point out that XDH has very poor social skills, DS hasn’t been able to let this one go.

It’s a terrible idea to put this responsibility on a kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No way, this isn't appropriate at all.

There is discernment counseling that can help you decide whether or not to divorce: https://www.familywellnessgroup.com/discernment-marriage-counseling-fairfax-northern-virginia/

Thanks! This is helpful. I only asked because a lot of my friends talk about how they wished their parents had divorced. So i thought what if we asked our kids?

Your friends are saying that AS ADULTS - with the life experience and understanding of relationships that comes with adulthood.

Yes I understand they are saying this as adults with hindsight. No need to shout. It's just the common refrain is that they really wanted their patents to divorce when they were children and to this day, they regret their parents staying together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No way, this isn't appropriate at all.

There is discernment counseling that can help you decide whether or not to divorce: https://www.familywellnessgroup.com/discernment-marriage-counseling-fairfax-northern-virginia/

Thanks! This is helpful. I only asked because a lot of my friends talk about how they wished their parents had divorced. So i thought what if we asked our kids?

I am one of those people.

But… my mom did ask me when I was about 10, and of course I said no, and it wasn’t the right answer because I did not understand all the details of my parents’ relationship. Then my mom blamed me for the next 20 or so years, and eventually my parents divorced anyway.

Don’t be like my mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No way, this isn't appropriate at all.

There is discernment counseling that can help you decide whether or not to divorce: https://www.familywellnessgroup.com/discernment-marriage-counseling-fairfax-northern-virginia/

Thanks! This is helpful. I only asked because a lot of my friends talk about how they wished their parents had divorced. So i thought what if we asked our kids?

I am one of those people.

But… my mom did ask me when I was about 10, and of course I said no, and it wasn’t the right answer because I did not understand all the details of my parents’ relationship. Then my mom blamed me for the next 20 or so years, and eventually my parents divorced anyway.

Don’t be like my mom.

OP here. I won't be like your mom, I promise. I wouldn't blame my kids either way. But if I'm staying in the marriage because of the kids, I want to know if they even want us to be together. If they don't, I'm ready to peace out. But I'm not going to ask...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No way, this isn't appropriate at all.

There is discernment counseling that can help you decide whether or not to divorce: https://www.familywellnessgroup.com/discernment-marriage-counseling-fairfax-northern-virginia/

Thanks! This is helpful. I only asked because a lot of my friends talk about how they wished their parents had divorced. So i thought what if we asked our kids?

This is the stupidest GD idea I have ever seen here and that is saying something

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No way, this isn't appropriate at all.

There is discernment counseling that can help you decide whether or not to divorce: https://www.familywellnessgroup.com/discernment-marriage-counseling-fairfax-northern-virginia/

Thanks! This is helpful. I only asked because a lot of my friends talk about how they wished their parents had divorced. So i thought what if we asked our kids?

I am one of those people.

But… my mom did ask me when I was about 10, and of course I said no, and it wasn’t the right answer because I did not understand all the details of my parents’ relationship. Then my mom blamed me for the next 20 or so years, and eventually my parents divorced anyway.

Don’t be like my mom.

OP here. I won't be like your mom, I promise. I wouldn't blame my kids either way. But if I'm staying in the marriage because of the kids, I want to know if they even want us to be together. If they don't, I'm ready to peace out. But I'm not going to ask...

They don't know what they want! They don't understand the question well enough to formulate an opinion that actually means anything. And they can't see into the future and find out if your next husband is going to be better or worse. You need to BE THE ADULT and make the decision on your own.

Staying because it's in the best interest of the kids is different from staying because the kids say they want you to. The kids don't have a clue what they want.

[Anonymous]

Please don’t ask your kids. My parent asked this of me in several occasions when I was young and it’s taken a lot of therapy to process ( along with all the other stuff but still)… it’s incredibly traumatizing and burdening for a child.

[Anonymous]

Why the hell are you going to make your shitted out marriage your kids’ responsibility?

You honestly suck, it’s bad enough you have a bad marriage and you are exposing them to that crap. Hopefully, the father is the same one and he gets full custody.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I didn’t ask but my child shared her fears about our relationship and gave me a clearly thought out pro/con list. It’s messed up because she sees the situation for all its gray areas as clearly as I do. I told her that’s for grownups to figure out and she comes first and that adults have to make and live with their own choices. She concluded with “I wish daddy would always go on work trips” and I kind of agree.

It helps to hear her say these things because in my mind I think, DC, you are a wise and generous little creature and even though your dad is a hot mess and unkind to boot, some of the best parts of you must come from him so what about our relationship is redeemable?

That’s where I’m at now.

Where you are now is trying to turn your kids against their father. Disgusting.

DP, but my youngest asked me several times why I didn't leave her dad. Any turning against her father was his own doing. She has eyes and ears.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I didn’t ask but my child shared her fears about our relationship and gave me a clearly thought out pro/con list. It’s messed up because she sees the situation for all its gray areas as clearly as I do. I told her that’s for grownups to figure out and she comes first and that adults have to make and live with their own choices. She concluded with “I wish daddy would always go on work trips” and I kind of agree.

It helps to hear her say these things because in my mind I think, DC, you are a wise and generous little creature and even though your dad is a hot mess and unkind to boot, some of the best parts of you must come from him so what about our relationship is redeemable?

That’s where I’m at now.

Where you are now is trying to turn your kids against their father. Disgusting.

DP, but my youngest asked me several times why I didn't leave her dad. Any turning against her father was his own doing. She has eyes and ears.

Yes, kids can see and hear and judge for themselves. It is not easy to hide some kinds of behavior and abuse. I planned to leave when they were 10 -11. I didn’t ask them, but gently informed them. They were terrified (understandably so) of changing schools and moving to a new place and said they’d prefer to remain in the same place even if their dad yelled at them. I was afraid of having to share custody with a person I couldn’t even leave the kids alone with. I didn’t bring it up again at the time.Their reaction broke my heart, and I resolved to get through somehow. By age 12- 14, they started asking why I didn’t leave him. It was complicated to explain, I didn’t wan them to get involved, and I would just not engage. However by age 16, things got unbearable with alcoholism, emotional and verbal abuse, financial abuse, narcissistic personality disorder and I was ready to file for separation. This time I had to inform them. I tried to tell them they were my number one priority, we both love them, and will try proceed with as little disruption as possible to their lives. They very politely requested if I can wait until they are done with high school. I said yes of course. We don’t talk about it. I know it’s all messed up and dysfunctional but 🤷‍♀️😭