Reply to Asking kids their opinion on divorcing

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I didn’t ask but my child shared her fears about our relationship and gave me a clearly thought out pro/con list. It’s messed up because she sees the situation for all its gray areas as clearly as I do. I told her that’s for grownups to figure out and she comes first and that adults have to make and live with their own choices. She concluded with “I wish daddy would always go on work trips” and I kind of agree.

It helps to hear her say these things because in my mind I think, DC, you are a wise and generous little creature and even though your dad is a hot mess and unkind to boot, some of the best parts of you must come from him so what about our relationship is redeemable?

That’s where I’m at now.[/quote]

Where you are now is trying to turn your kids against their father. Disgusting.[/quote]

DP, but my youngest asked me several times why I didn't leave her dad. Any turning against her father was his own doing. She has eyes and ears.[/quote]

Yes, kids can see and hear and judge for themselves. It is not easy to hide some kinds of behavior and abuse. I planned to leave when they were 10 -11. I didn’t ask them, but gently informed them. They were terrified (understandably so) of changing schools and moving to a new place and said they’d prefer to remain in the same place even if their dad yelled at them. I was afraid of having to share custody with a person I couldn’t even leave the kids alone with. I didn’t bring it up again at the time.Their reaction broke my heart, and I resolved to get through somehow.  By age 12- 14, they started asking why I didn’t leave him. It was complicated to explain, I didn’t wan them to get involved, and I would just not engage. However by age 16, things got unbearable with alcoholism, emotional and verbal abuse, financial abuse, narcissistic personality disorder and I was ready to file for separation. This time I had to inform them. I tried to tell them they were my number one priority, we both love them, and will try proceed with as little disruption as possible to their lives. They very politely requested if I can wait until they are done with high school. I said yes of course. We don’t talk about it. I know it’s all messed up and dysfunctional but 🤷‍♀️😭[/quote]

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