What do you do when your adult child says she's suicidal?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are you posting here and not driving there?

She's at work and told us she didn't want us to come

You’re the only one here who knows her and the only one here who has to live with what you do or do not. It is certainly possible that she’s engaged in some level of manipulation, but you haven’t said she has much history of this.

A dear friend died by suicide last fall in a situation like this—distant from relatives, and telling them not to come get him. He told his wife he didn’t want her to come where he was. In retrospect she sees this as part of his effort to make it easier for him to do what he did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm so sorry, OP. My DD25 has often been in that situation, though she's doing better now with an antidepressant that's been effective for her.

Has she ever made any attempts, or has she only threatened? Has she always contacted you? Does she live alone? What's her support system like?

She's never made an attempt, only idealization/planning. She contacts us sometimes but says, not all the time. She lives alone. She's shy and doesn't have much of a support system. She is doing great professionally! But has always struggled socially.

I think you're focusing on the wrong thing, OP. While it's good she's never made an attempt, it's *really* concerning that she has mentioned specific plans. Having a specific plan is always mentioned as a marker for serious concern or hospitalization.

She needs to be seeing a psychiatrist, not a PCP, and she may need help finding one and getting to the appointment. You might even go to the first one with her and share what she has told you for a few minutes at the beginning.

The fact that she is managing well in several areas but not socially, would really make me wonder about getting a complete neuropsych w/ some assessment of social pragmatic functioning.

Thanks. I'll talk to her about seeing a psychiatrist. She's really wanting to be happy and work on these things, so I think if she knows this would be something that will help her get there, she'll do it no question.

She has brought up a few times that she's read articles about late-diagnosed, high functioning females with autism and sort of feels like she's "reading [her] autobiography", but has also said...what would a diagnosis do for me? She's a speech therapist by trade, and has a bachelor's degree in psychology, so she knows a lot about autism and diagnosis type stuff.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No one has brought this up but this sounds like it might be part of BPD behavior.

Does your daughter have any of the other behaviors on this list?

If so, I strongly recommend you get her into DBT stat.

A pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self image and affects, and marked impulsivity beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:

1. Fear of abandonment
2. Unstable or changing relationships
3. Unstable self-image; struggles with identity or sense of self
4. Impulsive or self-damaging behaviors (e.g., excessive spending, unsafe sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating).
5. Suicidal behavior or self-injury
6. Varied or random mood swings
7. Constant feelings of worthlessness or sadness
8. Problems with anger, including frequent loss of temper or physical fights
9. Stress-related paranoia or loss of contact with reality

Interesting. Most of these are yeses.

OP,

I'm sorry you have to deal with this situation. Given that your daughter displays many of these traits and that feeling suicidal one day but not remembering having felt so the next day is textbook BPD, it's likely that she does have it, but obviously, you'll want a confirmed diagnosis.
I second the advice for your daughter to start DBT as soon as possible if that is not the kind of therapy she's getting already--and with a therapist who specializes in personality disorders.

That said, there is no cure for BPD, only management of the condition which is impossible without genuine, consistent investment in long term therapy, and people with BPD have low capacity for maintaining stable, healthy relationships of any kind (you said that she is "doing great" with family relationships, but if you are referring to her relationships with you and your husband, I wonder how much accommodation you and he have been making in order to facilitate them, consciously or unconsciously as part of a longstanding pattern over the years. It's very telling that she has no longstanding friends). Indeed, telling people that one is suicidal every six months or so is not only manipulative but downright emotionally and psychologically abusive.

So you asked what you should do. Well, you are already on the right track in not overreacting when your daughter calls to say she's feeling suicidal. That is, aside from encouraging your daughter to get the therapy she needs, you and your husband need to create healthy boundaries by creating some emotional and psychological distance between yourselves and your daughter. Channel your energy into healthy relationships with friends and family. Prioritize your relationships with any healthy children you may have (your daughter's behavior didn't come out of nowhere; any immediate family members who have had to live with this dynamic have been affected by it and likely in ways that have sidelined them).

Dh, myself, and her sister (our other daughter). She does have a few longstanding friends from HS and college, but none in the city where she resides (she moved there 3 yrs ago).

What do you mean sharing suicidality is manipulative/downright emotionally and psychologically abusive?

I'm also interested to know what you mean by the "dynamic". What boundaries do you recommend? We have a great relationship with both girls (young women!), love spending time with them, they live close to each other and spend a lot of time together and I always feel refreshed and happy after we visit both or one of them, whether it's just me or both DH and I.

[Anonymous]

Just posting this because I'm not sure anyone else has: The Suicide Hotline number is 988
My heart goes out to you, OP. She needs someone close by she can talk to. And talking with parents isn't the same as talking to someone who has been in the same boat. Perhaps the therapist can refer her to a group? Even if she goes only a few times (my daughter went twice and then said she was too busy), she'll know she's not alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just posting this because I'm not sure anyone else has: The Suicide Hotline number is 988
My heart goes out to you, OP. She needs someone close by she can talk to. And talking with parents isn't the same as talking to someone who has been in the same boat. Perhaps the therapist can refer her to a group? Even if she goes only a few times (my daughter went twice and then said she was too busy), she'll know she's not alone.

Good idea.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:call 911.

+1

If she's sobbing and talking about suicide, she is at real risk of completing suicide. She needs to be taken to the emergency room and admitted inpatient. She's in crisis when this happens and she needs in-patient admission to be kept safe.

[Anonymous]

Idealizing and planning means it’s time for hospitalization. I know it’s hard, but she needs intensive treatment. A psychiatrist, not a PCP to manage her meds, and intensive therapy.

Time to go to her, and if you’re not with her when she calls next time call 911. Then leave immediately to meet her at the hospital.

[Anonymous]

Get this book. The author is a practicing therapist and college professor who is an expert on suicidal thoughts.

https://www.amazon.com/Loving-Someone-Suicidal-Thoughts-Harbinger/dp/1648480241

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Get this book. The author is a practicing therapist and college professor who is an expert on suicidal thoughts.

https://www.amazon.com/Loving-Someone-Suicidal-Thoughts-Harbinger/dp/1648480241

Thanks!

[Anonymous]

high functioning autistic women/girls are often misdiagnosed with borderline personality disorder.

[Anonymous]

I had a daughter who shared a very similar story to the one you share . I can only share my response: I stopped everything, and got to her to the ER , where they did an evaluation, and recommended inpatient treatment .sadly no bed were available, so for 2 months, with the help of her doctor, therapist , I was the nurse, cook, therapist, trainer...we walked daily, had a regular sleep/wake schedule, added journaling, art, gardening, movies..........and it was explained that at any time when she shares ideation etc, it will be taken seriously and she will be taken to the ER by me or an ambulance. I will not be held hostage to threats , but will do anything of the depression or overwhelm is so severe that she is drowning . Don't dismiss it , suicide rates are higher than ever...so are depression and anxiety, our children are struggling in this crazy world . And for her, her family is her world within the chaos that can help her .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would stick to her like white on rice. FFS.

I don't care if my kid is dramatic or just need attention. I would drop everything and bring her back home. Then I would be with her and hug her and just comfort her to the best of my abilities. Next day - a therapist and ask her to be given anti-anxiety meds. I would take any abuse she heaped on me in the process and spend as much money as was needed to make her happy, healthy and functional again. I would think that it would be a long road and I and my DH would pour every resource in fixing it. I would make sure that she is getting therapy, that she is being taken care of by us.

+1 This is what I would do.

There’s no way I’m going to sleep at home while my suicidal child is 2 hrs away crying for help.

Adult or not they clearly still need your help

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would stick to her like white on rice. FFS.

I don't care if my kid is dramatic or just need attention. I would drop everything and bring her back home. Then I would be with her and hug her and just comfort her to the best of my abilities. Next day - a therapist and ask her to be given anti-anxiety meds. I would take any abuse she heaped on me in the process and spend as much money as was needed to make her happy, healthy and functional again. I would think that it would be a long road and I and my DH would pour every resource in fixing it. I would make sure that she is getting therapy, that she is being taken care of by us.

+1 This is what I would do.

There’s no way I’m going to sleep at home while my suicidal child is 2 hrs away crying for help.

Mom of a kid who used to have suicidal ideations here - this is the time to step up, go there and figure out what's going on with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This reminds me of my sister growing up. It was very tough and she's still not a happy person, but has a dog she's obsessed with and has "evened out" some. I touch base with her daily over dumb things like a movie I saw, some work anecdote, etc.

Therapy, SSRIs, and regular contact.

It reminds me of my sister too who killed herself as a young adult.

OP, please don’t let internet strangers try to diagnose your daughter with BPD and commend you for not overreacting to a specific plan for suicide. She is waving major red flags. As a pp said, please get her to a psychiatrist. PCPs often know a lot less than they think they do in situations like this. As many others have said I would also be very uneasy about letting her live alone right now.

[Anonymous]

I would and have taken my son to the ER. Two recommendations - Shady Grove Adventist in Rockville or Sheppard Pratt in Baltimore.

He was hospitalized for a week while they adjusted medications, had him attend group and individual therapy.