Moving in with inlaws

[Anonymous]

OP here: thanks for sage advice, folks. Sorry I didn't check in earlier. Life got in the way. The overwhelming advice is not to do this, and I agree. Examples from your own lives helped me imagine the situation and I don't like that picture.

[Anonymous]

Are YOU moving in to THEIR house or are THEY moving into YOURS. Power dynamics matter.

Latter could work if you have an ADU, otherwise pass.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have a chance to move in with retiired inlaws. Considering this as one of them is having health issues and we want to spend time with them. Its a long flight away but the housing and school situation would be nice.

We have a good relationship but I wonder if anyone has been in a situation like this? What is it like having inlaws in the same house, especially for the children? I'm afraid of them spoiling the kids and disrupting their routines, as there has been signs of this during the contacts we've had so far. Do the benefits still outweigh the downsides?

There are pros and cons but if y'all can make it work, it sounds like a great set up for all parties involved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you unemployed or facing significant financial hardships?

I can’t imagine anyone moving their family with their in-laws unless there was something significant going on. Without knowing your circumstances, it’s hard to say if it’s worth it.

I will say that things would have to be really dire for me to consider this.

It’s not unusual in many cultures, PP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have a chance to move in with retiired inlaws. Considering this as one of them is having health issues and we want to spend time with them. Its a long flight away but the housing and school situation would be nice.

We have a good relationship but I wonder if anyone has been in a situation like this? What is it like having inlaws in the same house, especially for the children? I'm afraid of them spoiling the kids and disrupting their routines, as there has been signs of this during the contacts we've had so far. Do the benefits still outweigh the downsides?

This spells D.I.S.A.S.T.E.R!!

[Anonymous]

Don’t do it. My husband and I had to do this after 2008 because my in laws had financial issues so my DH bailed them out from (likely) financial ruin which meant we had to move in. I told him to get stuff in writing but he refused because it was his parents. They refused to sell their enormous house. Anyway, the dynamics were bad, they never paid him back and then told us we had to move out of “their” house.

We live across the country now and own a beautiful home and have kids. We visit them and they visit us but the dynamic has never been the same. My DH is still crushed about what happened and what they meant for our financial future for those years and how we were treated.

Really think about it when you have kids. The woman will do the brunt of the caregiving and work. My in laws expected us to do everything . Caregiving is hard work on top of any job and kid things you have.

My uncle moved into his moms house without his adult children and it’s awful for him. He works full time and my mom helps take care of my grandmother too but for both of them it’s an awful experience. I would never put kids in that situation. Can you move close by to help? What about hiring aides? If you do
Move in you need to hire out help because caregiving 24/7 is a lot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This has a high likelihood of disaster.

My sister and her husband moved in with his parents. They have no kids so no issues of spoiling kids, etc. It seemed like a good deal for all parties until the mom and dad really started to go downhill. My sister had not really contemplated what being a true caregiver would entail. Plus, she still works and it became clear the parents needed help during the day. My sister was totally freaked out about random caregivers being in and out of her home while she was at work. Honestly, I think my sister was totally naive. Perhaps not having children made it even harder for her to realize what true caregiving looks like.

You are the woman so be ready to bathe your MIL, clean up both their puke, lift them up off the floor.

Not true. My brother did all this for my mother. You are familiar with male nurses, right?

This does happen but is very rare. If you move in speak to your husband about who will do what. Many older folks expect the woman to do the majority of the housework.