Financially supporting estranged mother

[Anonymous]

I agree that she should file for bankruptcy sooner rather than later. If you help at this point it should only be to help her file for bankruptcy and help her sign up for public assistance.

Later, once all of that has happened, you could help her by paying one bill, like cable, directly each month if you want. But you don't need to if you don't want to.

Never give her money directly.

[Anonymous]

Agree with previous posters to go to bankruptcy. Then decide if you want to financially help her or not (and include funeral expenses in your calculations).

If you choose to help financially, set a specific amount that you'll contribute each month and hold firm on that. Make sure it's not cash, but something like a regular grocery card gift certificate or the electric bill. Otherwise, she may be asking for many unplanned expenses.

Also, if you do decide to help her, make it contingent upon her having a will, power of attorney, funeral plans, and health care proxy in place.

Good luck, OP, this stuff isn't easy.

[Anonymous]

Check the legality of it in your state / her state. Sometimes the adult children of aging parents are legally obliged to provide financial assistance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Check the legality of it in your state / her state. Sometimes the adult children of aging parents are legally obliged to provide financial assistance.

Not for bankruptcy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mother is in her early 70s and does not live nearby. My parents divorced when I was young, and while I was and remain very close to my father, my relationship with my mother has always been distant. Without going into too many details, she made a lot of bad and selfish choices during my youth, which have taken me decades of therapy to sort through. We've never been completely estranged, but it is a real chore to spend more than an hour with her.

Among my mother's bad choices was financial management, and a second husband who got away with most of their money and property in their divorce five years ago. She cashed out most of her modest pension to help his son buy a house, and started taking social security early so now her monthly payments are far lower than they otherwise would be. She also has had a compulsive spending problem and racked up a ton of credit card debt.

Her financial situation has gotten to a point where she will either need to declare bankruptcy and scrape by on a very modest remaining pension and reduced social security, or I (the only child) will need to help support her. She barely ever calls, but last week she asked if we're able to help her out so she doesn't need to file bankruptcy. DH and I do pretty well by national standards (probably middle class by DC suburbs standards), and have fairly aggressively built our 401k's and other savings. We have a son in elementary school who, for a variety of reasons, we had been planning to put into private school next year. If I have to start supporting my mom on a monthly basis, private school will be out of the question. I hate the thought of my mother being in poverty toward the end of her life, but I get angry thinking about our son getting a worse education because my mother has made some pretty bad life choices.

DH is amazing and said he'll support whatever I choose, but I'm really torn. I'm wondering if others have been in a similar situation and what they have done.

Make the best choice for your child. Your mother didn't. She made her bed and she can lay in it.

[Anonymous]

Bankruptcy is GOOD.

She doesn't need to qualify for a mortgage in the next 7 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Check the legality of it in your state / her state. Sometimes the adult children of aging parents are legally obliged to provide financial assistance.

Not true.

[Anonymous]

You say that you “hate the thought of my mother being in poverty toward the end of her life.” She needs to declare bankruptcy to get back to zero. Then she has a little pension and Social Security coming in, so she won’t be in abject poverty living under a bridge somewhere. If she squanders that after getting a second chance then it’s 100% on her. Do what’s best for your family (family being you, your spouse, and son).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Check the legality of it in your state / her state. Sometimes the adult children of aging parents are legally obliged to provide financial assistance.

Not true.

Yes true.