Financially supporting estranged mother

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would have her file bankruptcy and then support or don't support afterwards. Trying to forestall bankruptcy is just flushing money down the toilet in this situation, because she is irresponsible.

+1

Plus, help her sign up for what3ver she is eligible. Eg housing assistance, food assistance, health care…….

This. And I'd give her MINIMAL support, if any. Only enough to keep her safe. She's going to squander whatever you give her.

Agree with both PPs. She’ll be okay with SS and public assistance, will need to live simply and within her means. Do not feel bad about that.

[Anonymous]

Mine's in a homeless shelter for older adults and doing fine. It's really nice. Taxpayer dollars at work. She made bad decisions her entire life and was abusive to her 3 kids. This is the fate she built.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She's going to be in poverty even if you do give her money, because she'll make bad choices with it. Maybe that will help you feel at peace with saying no.

This is my assumption as well. She already had money and lost it (exhusband, stepson). If you give her more money, this cycle could repeat. Maybe instead help her file bankruptcy then help her qualify for government assistance, that way you'll know you've done what you can to help.

[Anonymous]

I agree with pps... unfortunately she needs to declare bankruptcy. I would tell her you won't be able to afford to support her asap so she can start getting her sh-t together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mother is in her early 70s and does not live nearby. My parents divorced when I was young, and while I was and remain very close to my father, my relationship with my mother has always been distant. Without going into too many details, she made a lot of bad and selfish choices during my youth, which have taken me decades of therapy to sort through. We've never been completely estranged, but it is a real chore to spend more than an hour with her.

Among my mother's bad choices was financial management, and a second husband who got away with most of their money and property in their divorce five years ago. She cashed out most of her modest pension to help his son buy a house, and started taking social security early so now her monthly payments are far lower than they otherwise would be. She also has had a compulsive spending problem and racked up a ton of credit card debt.

Her financial situation has gotten to a point where she will either need to declare bankruptcy and scrape by on a very modest remaining pension and reduced social security, or I (the only child) will need to help support her. She barely ever calls, but last week she asked if we're able to help her out so she doesn't need to file bankruptcy. DH and I do pretty well by national standards (probably middle class by DC suburbs standards), and have fairly aggressively built our 401k's and other savings. We have a son in elementary school who, for a variety of reasons, we had been planning to put into private school next year. If I have to start supporting my mom on a monthly basis, private school will be out of the question. I hate the thought of my mother being in poverty toward the end of her life, but I get angry thinking about our son getting a worse education because my mother has made some pretty bad life choices.

DH is amazing and said he'll support whatever I choose, but I'm really torn. I'm wondering if others have been in a similar situation and what they have done.

I know it's not comparable, but do not make your son goes through the same thing. It's bad enough that her decisions made you suffer(ed), it would be worse if you let it affects your son's future. It would be one thing to support a loving mom/grandma, it's another...

I have an estranged mother, and we have not crossed that bridge yet. I would give her enough to survive and might sacrifice some of my spending, but not at the expense of my kids' education or future.

[Anonymous]

It's the stigma of BANKRUPTCY that makes it such a daunting decision. The reality is that it makes excellent financial sense for a lot of people and most put it off too long. The person who said that dripping along to avoid bankruptcy is like throwing money down the drain was 100% correct.

I'd really throw myself into helping to navigate scary administrative processes for my parents, but wouldn't throw money at the situation and expect it to ever get better.

[Anonymous]

She needs to file bankruptcy. I'm not really pro or anti private schools, but your kid shouldn't suffer educationally because his grandmother made a series of lifelong bad decisions. She needs to get out from under the debt and figure this out. At most, you can point her in the direction of social services that can help her with the things she needs. It sucks to have a parent who wasn't there for you and then wants help later on.

[Anonymous]

Echoing the others to take care of your own family, not help your mother financially (which would likely be wasted anyway), and at most help her navigate bankruptcy and assistance processes. My mother is very similar to yours and we barely have a relationship. I am dreading the day if/when her poor financial decisions and shopping habit bring her to the brink of bankruptcy. Telling her no will not be pleasant.

Sounds like we're unanimous, or nearly unanimous, which is rare on DCUM.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would have her file bankruptcy and then support or don't support afterwards. Trying to forestall bankruptcy is just flushing money down the toilet in this situation, because she is irresponsible.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So, my siblings and I have BTDT. We paid her rent for almost 2 years. The thanks we got? She said if any of us had real jobs, we would be able to give her the lifestyle she deserves. There was no end to what she thought she deserved. We finally cut her off.

If I were in your shoes, I would let her file for bankruptcy. If you give her money, would it mess up her financial records for purposes of the bankruptcy?

Wow, that sounds awful. Were you and your siblings all on the same page? What did she think she deserved? Did she have a "real" job?

[Anonymous]

Let her declare bankruptcy. This is not your problem. After that’s dealt with, then if she needs money for food/shelter then help her with that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mother is in her early 70s and does not live nearby. My parents divorced when I was young, and while I was and remain very close to my father, my relationship with my mother has always been distant. Without going into too many details, she made a lot of bad and selfish choices during my youth, which have taken me decades of therapy to sort through. We've never been completely estranged, but it is a real chore to spend more than an hour with her.

Among my mother's bad choices was financial management, and a second husband who got away with most of their money and property in their divorce five years ago. She cashed out most of her modest pension to help his son buy a house, and started taking social security early so now her monthly payments are far lower than they otherwise would be. She also has had a compulsive spending problem and racked up a ton of credit card debt.

Her financial situation has gotten to a point where she will either need to declare bankruptcy and scrape by on a very modest remaining pension and reduced social security, or I (the only child) will need to help support her. She barely ever calls, but last week she asked if we're able to help her out so she doesn't need to file bankruptcy. DH and I do pretty well by national standards (probably middle class by DC suburbs standards), and have fairly aggressively built our 401k's and other savings. We have a son in elementary school who, for a variety of reasons, we had been planning to put into private school next year. If I have to start supporting my mom on a monthly basis, private school will be out of the question. I hate the thought of my mother being in poverty toward the end of her life, but I get angry thinking about our son getting a worse education because my mother has made some pretty bad life choices.

DH is amazing and said he'll support whatever I choose, but I'm really torn. I'm wondering if others have been in a similar situation and what they have done.

First, kudos to your DH. Mine is the same so never had to fret with my parents, who were thrifty - you can't squeeze money out of working class jobs, but fortunately we were able to arrange ways to support them in their last few years that didn't drain us.

Second, how did her second husband get away with the money? What was she thinking when she lent the money to someone who sounds like they were her stepson for a minute?

[Anonymous]

She has to start with bankruptcy and applications for any and all aid she’s eligible for. Don’t stave it off because she’s embarrassed. She has nothing left to lose so she needs to go all in and live out the consequences of her bad choices. At best I would provide modest assistance in grocery gift cards by irregularly so she’s not counting on it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So, my siblings and I have BTDT. We paid her rent for almost 2 years. The thanks we got? She said if any of us had real jobs, we would be able to give her the lifestyle she deserves. There was no end to what she thought she deserved. We finally cut her off.

If I were in your shoes, I would let her file for bankruptcy. If you give her money, would it mess up her financial records for purposes of the bankruptcy?

Wow, that sounds awful. Were you and your siblings all on the same page? What did she think she deserved? Did she have a "real" job?

No, she’s never had a job for more than a few weeks in her life. I was the only one speaking to her at the time, but we did all agree to share the cost, mostly for one another. I think it was my sister who felt the most responsible, so we all paid it.

This whole entitlement thing is her schtick. She’s been demanding my sister give her a kidney lately. That’s a story for another thread.

[Anonymous]

Bankruptcy and help her qualify for more assistance. Giving her money to delay or prevent bankruptcy only really helps her creditors.