Estranged Son an Daughter

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why was your daughter allowed to bully your son? You write as if she did it for years. Is that true?

It sounds like OP is heavily biased in favor of her son, down to her rationalizing him shaking (!) his sister, so I think there’s more to this story.

I don't favor any of the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So I know the bullying of your son is water under the bridge. But I hope you can see that you misjudged this by allowing it if you could have prevented it.

My take on your current situation as a parent of a very difficult child (now adult) with mental illness is this. As a parent, I try to help everyone see the other side and figure out how to reconcile. I will tell you if you are unreasonable. I will commiserate if you are being treated unfairly but will guide you to a solution if you are open. But if you can’t see your part or are not going to work at it, walk away and stop complaining and making everyone miserable. I will not choose between my kids. All this being said, we have figured this out. It sucks having a mental illness and it sucks being the younger kid. And it’s hard on the parents.

Well said, thank you. The son has mental illness and the daughter was the youngest in a family of all boys.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If their age gap is 11 years, how did she manage to bully him? He was an adult by the time she was old enough to do it. Was he still living with you? I'm confused how an elementary school child manages to bully an adult man.

If iti's true that she bullied him for years, why didn't you do anything about it? You're the parent.

It sounds like there's a lot more going on here than what you have told us. Maybe more than you know. Maybe things you don't want to know.

The son is slow because of his learning disabilities and that is why he is older then her but seems younger and seldom fights back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why was your daughter allowed to bully your son? You write as if she did it for years. Is that true?

It sounds like OP is heavily biased in favor of her son, down to her rationalizing him shaking (!) his sister, so I think there’s more to this story.

I don't favor any of the kids.

Yes, you clearly do. And you hate this son so just leave him alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would think that she has been abused or assaulted *by your son*, and this is the only time you know of, or the only incident you can't deny or rationalize away, but that it's been an ongoing thing and that's why she's mean to him.

It sounds like your daughter does not want to be assaulted again.

My son does not abuse. He simply was standing up for himself and maybe over-reacted out of bent up frustration. He never would hurt anyone. In fact he cuts himself to get frustration out and not act angry around others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would think that she has been abused or assaulted *by your son*, and this is the only time you know of, or the only incident you can't deny or rationalize away, but that it's been an ongoing thing and that's why she's mean to him.

It sounds like your daughter does not want to be assaulted again.

11 years age difference and she is younger? I would suspect assault and not she bullied an adult man while she was a child.

You are leaving out info, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have a huge bias in favor of your son! That must have eaten away at her for years.

He is an adult. Stop protecting him.
He should get treatment for anger management. If anyone is emotionally abusive to your son, he should avoid contact with them.

There is NO justification for a grown man to put his hands in his younger sister in anger. Yet you label his behavior as “very understandable.”

I suggest you try therapy, because your reaction to your children’s dynamic is not healthy.

Of course I favor the son here. The daughter is a bully. I don't favor them as people and love them both equally, but the daughter in their conflict is the one bullying and the son is the one who held it all in and then exploded one time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If their age gap is 11 years, how did she manage to bully him? He was an adult by the time she was old enough to do it. Was he still living with you? I'm confused how an elementary school child manages to bully an adult man.

If iti's true that she bullied him for years, why didn't you do anything about it? You're the parent.

It sounds like there's a lot more going on here than what you have told us. Maybe more than you know. Maybe things you don't want to know.

+1

Stay out of it. Your DD is struggling and hopefully she will see a therapist for herself. You are clearly biased towards her brother.
How old was she when she started talking about your son's disabilities? 5? 7? 11?
That would have made him 16, 18, or 22. You should have taught him how to handle taunting by a little child, which is what she was. They sound better off going their separate ways.
And dude better learn to keep his hands to himself even when pushed or he's going to end up in jail.

They were adults, not kids, when this happened. Son was 40 and daughter 26.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you continue to favor your son and minimize and/or invalidate your daughter's experience and feelings you will likely end up estranged from your daughter.

The best thing you can do is get therapy to figure out how to support your son without enabling and reinforcing the wrong behavior and how to respect your daughter.

I have validated that she was frightened when he grabbed her and reminded her he immediately apologized. I also have begged her to explain to me how and why she is so nervous around him. I did remind him at the time 4 years ago that he is stronger then he realized before kissing him and giving him his ice cream (sarcasm on that last bit about kissing him).

So, he misbehaves and you make him apologize. She misbehaves and its ok. Parenting fail.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell your daughter to leave you out of it. Don’t encourage your son to come to you with issues between him and sister. If he does, tell him you have decided to stay out if it.

They are grown ups, and can decide how they want to handle it. If they’re both abusive toward one another, it’s probably better for them not to spend extended amounts of time together. Some people just do not get along, and you enabling one kid or another is going to come back to bite you.

I have never been able to spend time with my BIL. I don’t know what it is about him, but he knows what buttons to push to make my blood boil. I have endless amounts of patience with seemingly everyone else in the world. I have gotten physically aggressive twice in my adult life, and both times it was him. It was 27 years ago, and it has never happened with anyone else. I stopped being around him for more than an hour at a time. He eventually bailed on his wife and his kids.

I try to but I am a Mom. Plus I feel for my son. Usually it is my daughter who comes to me about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have a huge bias in favor of your son! That must have eaten away at her for years.

He is an adult. Stop protecting him.
He should get treatment for anger management. If anyone is emotionally abusive to your son, he should avoid contact with them.

There is NO justification for a grown man to put his hands in his younger sister in anger. Yet you label his behavior as “very understandable.”

I suggest you try therapy, because your reaction to your children’s dynamic is not healthy.

Of course I favor the son here. The daughter is a bully. I don't favor them as people and love them both equally, but the daughter in their conflict is the one bullying and the son is the one who held it all in and then exploded one time.

You clearly favor the daughter or you'd tell her not to come.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If I were your daughter, I would tell both you and the brother to get a grip on his "emotional disabilities", because the next time police would be called for an assault.

He did not hurt her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If their age gap is 11 years, how did she manage to bully him? He was an adult by the time she was old enough to do it. Was he still living with you? I'm confused how an elementary school child manages to bully an adult man.

If iti's true that she bullied him for years, why didn't you do anything about it? You're the parent.

It sounds like there's a lot more going on here than what you have told us. Maybe more than you know. Maybe things you don't want to know.

The son is slow because of his learning disabilities and that is why he is older then her but seems younger and seldom fights back.

My DH was youngest and ASD but smartest - he has yet to learn how to cope. Give him the necessary skills, so this does not happen again. All the money in the world does not matter if he is alone, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If your son attacked your daughter at 37, this was not the first time he physically attacked her, it's just the first time you witnessed it. I mean he's 11 years older than her, I'm not saying she's innocent in all this, but when did all this bullying start? You have a very clear bias for your son and your daughter has grown up seeing that. If you have 5 kids and he took a lot of your time and energy, did she ever have you in her corner?

Trust me, it was a first. This is why she was so startled by it. Last time he got angry he was a high school Junior 20 years earlier and it was at school, not her. He hit me once when he was eleven but that was the most of any anger we ever saw and that was a normal kid temper tantrum (he was punished there).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I’m sorry for your kids that you enabled any one of them to be a bully. Parenting kids is so much more than housing, clothing and feeding them. Education begins at home and education in character is the most important obligation of a parent. The interaction between siblings is fertile ground for this education and guidance. As the daughter of parents who allowed and even encouraged my elder sibling to bully me physically and emotionally for my entire childhood and young adulthood until I estranged myself from all three of them at 30, I have no judgment for your daughter. You are lucky she still has a relationship with you. If you want to keep it, you need to STFU about her estrangement from her brother. You let this happen and it is way too late now for you to try to play the fixer. The only thing you should do is apologize to both your kids for failing them as a parent.

Maybe so but my son is the victim, my daughter the bully I may have created. Was busy with another son (not the one in the story) who had major behavior problems and so let the daughter off too easily. Now she is a narcissist with much anxiety who is codepandant on us but sasses us like a kid.