If you're professionally ambitious, do you feel you spend enough good time with your kids?

[Anonymous]

I am ambitious in the sense that I was to achieve a lot in my career, but most importantly, in the sense that my work is recognized as deserving flexibility and autonomy. I worked really hard through my 20s and 30s to achieve this, so now in my early 40s with two ES kids, I work hard but I work when and where I want. I do travel and work nights 1-2x/month but I’m also a room parent, available for field trips and volunteering, walk to the bus, etc. I completely agree that my kids need me now more than when they were little… and it increases as they get older. As babies, they needed caring comfort to feed and change them. Now my 10 yo DD needs HER MOM. And we’re making that work - through my strong boundaries and pushes for flexibility, through my husband’s very 8-6 job, and through a lot of conversations about how a woman’s job is important, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kids are in elementary school, and my answer is no. I actually felt better when they were little and in daycare—I was able to drop them off for a big chunk of time and work. I am actually considering taking a step back, which feels counterintuitive given I have done what’s logically the hard part (working fulltime while having babies/toddlers, working fulltime throughout online schooling). But I do feel like they need me more than ever.

I actually think this is one thing people underestimate. I think late elementary and middle school are when our kids need our time the most. But it is hard to see that when they are little. I feel like I lucked out. I outsourced a TON when they were little. But upper elementary, I’ve made it to the top. I can now delegate, etc. in a way that lets me spend a ton of time with my fifth grader, etc.

Years ago, a friend of mine with older kids said “I think I need to become a SAHM now that they are in middle school.” At the time, I didn’t get it at all. Now, I get it.

I thought I was in the home stretch when my oldest started kindergarten. I was not prepared for all the times we were asked to come to the school. Of course you can skip but then your kid will be the handful of kids whose parents don’t come to pastries for parents, thanksgiving lunch on a random day in November, Halloween, field trip to Cox farms, Halloween, meeting during the middle of the day to actually plan the Halloween party, pta meeting also late morning, book fair, fun fridays, etc. then there were the 10+ 2 hour delays and the 10+ snow days. Add on sick days, doc appointments, teacher work days, random holidays I never knew existed, spring break, winter break. It made it very difficult.

My third child just started kindergarten and my oldest is in middle school. I thought I could finally go back to work but they seem to need me more, not less.

Crap, mine are in 3rd and 4th and this is what I was afraid of. I'm trying to get back but between sick days, student events, activities, cooking, cleaning, etc...it will be a miracle.

It’s not that hard. Seriously. You’ll always come up with a reason to not return to work.

This. Many people do it and do it well. If you don’t want to work and don’t financially need to work, then don’t work! But don’t use these excuses, unless your kids are truly high needs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am ambitious in the sense that I was to achieve a lot in my career, but most importantly, in the sense that my work is recognized as deserving flexibility and autonomy. I worked really hard through my 20s and 30s to achieve this, so now in my early 40s with two ES kids, I work hard but I work when and where I want. I do travel and work nights 1-2x/month but I’m also a room parent, available for field trips and volunteering, walk to the bus, etc. I completely agree that my kids need me now more than when they were little… and it increases as they get older. As babies, they needed caring comfort to feed and change them. Now my 10 yo DD needs HER MOM. And we’re making that work - through my strong boundaries and pushes for flexibility, through my husband’s very 8-6 job, and through a lot of conversations about how a woman’s job is important, too.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kids are in elementary school, and my answer is no. I actually felt better when they were little and in daycare—I was able to drop them off for a big chunk of time and work. I am actually considering taking a step back, which feels counterintuitive given I have done what’s logically the hard part (working fulltime while having babies/toddlers, working fulltime throughout online schooling). But I do feel like they need me more than ever.

I actually think this is one thing people underestimate. I think late elementary and middle school are when our kids need our time the most. But it is hard to see that when they are little. I feel like I lucked out. I outsourced a TON when they were little. But upper elementary, I’ve made it to the top. I can now delegate, etc. in a way that lets me spend a ton of time with my fifth grader, etc.

Years ago, a friend of mine with older kids said “I think I need to become a SAHM now that they are in middle school.” At the time, I didn’t get it at all. Now, I get it.

I thought I was in the home stretch when my oldest started kindergarten. I was not prepared for all the times we were asked to come to the school. Of course you can skip but then your kid will be the handful of kids whose parents don’t come to pastries for parents, thanksgiving lunch on a random day in November, Halloween, field trip to Cox farms, Halloween, meeting during the middle of the day to actually plan the Halloween party, pta meeting also late morning, book fair, fun fridays, etc. then there were the 10+ 2 hour delays and the 10+ snow days. Add on sick days, doc appointments, teacher work days, random holidays I never knew existed, spring break, winter break. It made it very difficult.

My third child just started kindergarten and my oldest is in middle school. I thought I could finally go back to work but they seem to need me more, not less.

The majority of moms at your school likely work. You pick a handful of days and have childcare for the breaks. What you described isn’t a reason to not have a job. If you simply don’t want to work, then fine. But if you want to work and you’re truly not working because of pastries for parents then you’re doing it all wrong! Just get a job and stop having anxiety about all of the reasons you can’t work. Take it a day at a time and it will fall into place.

NP - agreed. You don’t have to attend every school event for your child to feel loved. One benefit of older kids is that you can have coherent conversations with them about these kinds of trade-offs. “I would love to be there for pastries with parents, Larlo, but I can’t this time. I’ll be chaperoning your field trip in two weeks, though, and I’m so excited to be with you!”

Tweens/teens absolutely need their parents, just in different ways than when they were infants/toddlers. That requires a lot more emotional and logistical flexibility than when kids are very young, generally, and things are in some ways more predictable. And some parents really struggle with that, especially if they tend towards perfectionism (as many professionally ambitious people do).

I’m moderately ambitious and took the perspective that parenting and careers are both long, ideally. I tried hard not to burn myself out in either early on and have become skilled at setting appropriate boundaries and expectations. I’m comfortable saying no to my kids about some things they want, in part because I’m also confident I can help them learn to tolerate disappointment and because I know they’ll have plenty of quality time with me in other ways. I don’t have to do *everything* to be a supportive parent, even to older kids.

I’m the pp. I had a kid in elementary, preschool and a baby plus a husband with a demanding job. I also had a lot of help - daycare, nanny, housekeeper. I felt I was outsourcing out my entire life. Those few hours in the evening did not feel enough. I had zero time to myself and stressed out all the time.

But that’s not what your post was about. You commented that even with the youngest in K, you couldn’t go back to work.

Pp here. I am considering going back to work. Let me rephrase. I would like to go back to work next year. I have 3 kids in 3 different schools. Even though I don’t work now, I often feel stretched thin. At least my youngest will be able to get off the bus alone by then. I’m not sure if I will feel comfortable with that but at least it is allowed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kids are in elementary school, and my answer is no. I actually felt better when they were little and in daycare—I was able to drop them off for a big chunk of time and work. I am actually considering taking a step back, which feels counterintuitive given I have done what’s logically the hard part (working fulltime while having babies/toddlers, working fulltime throughout online schooling). But I do feel like they need me more than ever.

I actually think this is one thing people underestimate. I think late elementary and middle school are when our kids need our time the most. But it is hard to see that when they are little. I feel like I lucked out. I outsourced a TON when they were little. But upper elementary, I’ve made it to the top. I can now delegate, etc. in a way that lets me spend a ton of time with my fifth grader, etc.

Years ago, a friend of mine with older kids said “I think I need to become a SAHM now that they are in middle school.” At the time, I didn’t get it at all. Now, I get it.

I thought I was in the home stretch when my oldest started kindergarten. I was not prepared for all the times we were asked to come to the school. Of course you can skip but then your kid will be the handful of kids whose parents don’t come to pastries for parents, thanksgiving lunch on a random day in November, Halloween, field trip to Cox farms, Halloween, meeting during the middle of the day to actually plan the Halloween party, pta meeting also late morning, book fair, fun fridays, etc. then there were the 10+ 2 hour delays and the 10+ snow days. Add on sick days, doc appointments, teacher work days, random holidays I never knew existed, spring break, winter break. It made it very difficult.

My third child just started kindergarten and my oldest is in middle school. I thought I could finally go back to work but they seem to need me more, not less.

The majority of moms at your school likely work. You pick a handful of days and have childcare for the breaks. What you described isn’t a reason to not have a job. If you simply don’t want to work, then fine. But if you want to work and you’re truly not working because of pastries for parents then you’re doing it all wrong! Just get a job and stop having anxiety about all of the reasons you can’t work. Take it a day at a time and it will fall into place.

NP - agreed. You don’t have to attend every school event for your child to feel loved. One benefit of older kids is that you can have coherent conversations with them about these kinds of trade-offs. “I would love to be there for pastries with parents, Larlo, but I can’t this time. I’ll be chaperoning your field trip in two weeks, though, and I’m so excited to be with you!”

Tweens/teens absolutely need their parents, just in different ways than when they were infants/toddlers. That requires a lot more emotional and logistical flexibility than when kids are very young, generally, and things are in some ways more predictable. And some parents really struggle with that, especially if they tend towards perfectionism (as many professionally ambitious people do).

I’m moderately ambitious and took the perspective that parenting and careers are both long, ideally. I tried hard not to burn myself out in either early on and have become skilled at setting appropriate boundaries and expectations. I’m comfortable saying no to my kids about some things they want, in part because I’m also confident I can help them learn to tolerate disappointment and because I know they’ll have plenty of quality time with me in other ways. I don’t have to do *everything* to be a supportive parent, even to older kids.

I’m the pp. I had a kid in elementary, preschool and a baby plus a husband with a demanding job. I also had a lot of help - daycare, nanny, housekeeper. I felt I was outsourcing out my entire life. Those few hours in the evening did not feel enough. I had zero time to myself and stressed out all the time.

But that’s not what your post was about. You commented that even with the youngest in K, you couldn’t go back to work.

Pp here. I am considering going back to work. Let me rephrase. I would like to go back to work next year. I have 3 kids in 3 different schools. Even though I don’t work now, I often feel stretched thin. At least my youngest will be able to get off the bus alone by then. I’m not sure if I will feel comfortable with that but at least it is allowed.

Go back tomorrow and hire an afternoon nanny. Seriously it’s not that difficult to work.

[Anonymous]

Not sure this is everyone's definition of ambition but I worked hard in my 20s and 30s so that in my 40s when my kid is in upper elementary I have a job where i work from home, can drive her to activities, etc. I used my leverage to get what I needed at work - which is basically gain as much flexibility as possible - so I could be the parent I wanted to be.

It's still a struggle and I realize this does not meet the definition of ambition I had when I was in my 20s and 30s, which was more about climbing to something bigger and better. In fact not sure I would even accept a promotion at current state because I don't want to work more.

I will say working through the younger years even when I made no money because of daycare has paid off in a big way now, when I can both earn and be there in the way I want for my kids.

I also feel like in a few years they will be in high school and then college so if I want to go bigger the door isn't closed.

[Anonymous]

Nanny lives in our in law suite. I work from home 3/5 days a week, so I see the kids even though the nanny is the one that does the heavier lifting with things like their laundry, packing lunches, and supervising homework (though I step in when they need me). We ski together every weekend in winter and we spend summers at our lake house. We spend as much time together as we all can take. The older they've gotten, the less relevant my income has become, so I've started to "soft quit" my job in the sense that I do only what I need to do to keep my current situation and never raise my hand for anything extra.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am ambitious in the sense that I was to achieve a lot in my career, but most importantly, in the sense that my work is recognized as deserving flexibility and autonomy. I worked really hard through my 20s and 30s to achieve this, so now in my early 40s with two ES kids, I work hard but I work when and where I want. I do travel and work nights 1-2x/month but I’m also a room parent, available for field trips and volunteering, walk to the bus, etc. I completely agree that my kids need me now more than when they were little… and it increases as they get older. As babies, they needed caring comfort to feed and change them. Now my 10 yo DD needs HER MOM. And we’re making that work - through my strong boundaries and pushes for flexibility, through my husband’s very 8-6 job, and through a lot of conversations about how a woman’s job is important, too.

They don’t need you less when they are little they are just unable to voice their need. Parents are important at every stage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am ambitious in the sense that I was to achieve a lot in my career, but most importantly, in the sense that my work is recognized as deserving flexibility and autonomy. I worked really hard through my 20s and 30s to achieve this, so now in my early 40s with two ES kids, I work hard but I work when and where I want. I do travel and work nights 1-2x/month but I’m also a room parent, available for field trips and volunteering, walk to the bus, etc. I completely agree that my kids need me now more than when they were little… and it increases as they get older. As babies, they needed caring comfort to feed and change them. Now my 10 yo DD needs HER MOM. And we’re making that work - through my strong boundaries and pushes for flexibility, through my husband’s very 8-6 job, and through a lot of conversations about how a woman’s job is important, too.

They don’t need you less when they are little they are just unable to voice their need. Parents are important at every stage.

Disagree with this. Young kids often just need a qualified caregiver. Older kids want and need their real parents. Bigger kids, bigger problems.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am ambitious in the sense that I was to achieve a lot in my career, but most importantly, in the sense that my work is recognized as deserving flexibility and autonomy. I worked really hard through my 20s and 30s to achieve this, so now in my early 40s with two ES kids, I work hard but I work when and where I want. I do travel and work nights 1-2x/month but I’m also a room parent, available for field trips and volunteering, walk to the bus, etc. I completely agree that my kids need me now more than when they were little… and it increases as they get older. As babies, they needed caring comfort to feed and change them. Now my 10 yo DD needs HER MOM. And we’re making that work - through my strong boundaries and pushes for flexibility, through my husband’s very 8-6 job, and through a lot of conversations about how a woman’s job is important, too.

They don’t need you less when they are little they are just unable to voice their need. Parents are important at every stage.

Disagree with this. Young kids often just need a qualified caregiver. Older kids want and need their real parents. Bigger kids, bigger problems.

DP - nope. Nope, nope, nope. Young kids just need a qualified caregiver - are you nuts? Newborns can identify their mothers through smell and voice; you think it’s fine for them to be raised by some random caregiver? GTFO.

PP is right - kids still need their parents when they’re little, but they can’t voice that need, nor can they guilt you if you don’t meet it.