If you're professionally ambitious, do you feel you spend enough good time with your kids?

[Anonymous]

If so, what are the things you do that help you feel that way?

[Anonymous]

When I'm with my kids, I'm with them. I'm not also on my phone, checking emails, taking calls, etc. I try to be "all in" whatever I'm doing at the moment, whether it's family, friends, work, etc.

I get up early to get stuff done. I always say the only part of my day I know I can control is what time I get up. I may walk with a friend, do some work, work out, whatever, but getting up early gives me extra time in the day because I'm not a night owl and I get tired after putting the kids to bed so I'm better at getting things done first thing.

I do my best to keep my weekends free for family stuff. But if my kids are going to have to work on homework, or be away at a play date, or doing something that keeps them busy and gives me time, then I try to use it wisely (and sometimes that means taking a nap!).

My kids get on the bus at 7:30 and off the bus at 3:30. That's 8 solid hours of them not being at home (I work from home, as does my husband). One day a week he takes them after school to their sport and I can work or get other things done until about 7:20. I really try to maximize those 12-hour days. It's amazing what I can accomplish during those! Other days I can work again after they get home and we've spent some time together (i.e. I'll get them from the bus and do snacks but then work from 4-6 until we make dinner together, then after dinner it's family time).

Personally I find blocking chunks of the day to be helpful. If 7:30-3:30 is work, then I'll look up summer camps or plan our next vacation another time. If 3:30-4 is bus pick up and snacks, that's what I'm doing, I'm not thinking ahead to what else I need to do when I sit back down at 4. Personally, I think multitasking has been way overhyped. I think it's better to single task things and then move on to something else. But that's just me.

[Anonymous]

I was professionally ambitious and did not feel I spent enough time with my children so I took some time off. I had two kids when I stopped working and had another baby. I either had to stay at the office or if I came home early, I always had work to finish. When I got home, it felt like a rush to eat dinner. That is, if I made it home for dinner. Then after what felt like very little time, I had to our kids to bed. I would have to clean up, get ready for the next day, finish up my work, etc.

DH is a surgeon. Although he works long hours, he absolutely thinks he spends a ton of quality time with our kids. He doesn’t seem to have any guilt. If he has to work late and misses dinner a few times a week, no big deal. He drives kids to sports when he can. He goes to most or all the weekend games.

I think we are just built differently. For me, an hour in the morning rushing to get ready is not quality time with kids. 1-2 hours of time with kids before bed is also not enough quality time when I am making dinner, cleaning, etc.

[Anonymous]

I chose professional stability over ambition, but looking at all of my friends, you have to choose between time and stress. You can reduce stress a lot by outsourcing (au pair, after school nanny, etc.), but then you don’t have what you’d probably consider “enough” time. Or you do the bulk of the daily parenting yourself, but then use every bit of free time on work and household needs.

There are a lot of VERY stressed out mothers on this city, and it may seem like it’s normal because it feels like everyone around you is in the same boat. But it’s not normal and it’s not a moral failing or waste of potential to realize you can’t do it all. Happiness and quality of life in the moment is worthwhile too.

[Anonymous]

I'm professionally ambitious and work a strict 7:30-4pm. I pick up my kids and have them home by 4:30pm, we cook dinner, and play or go to the park. I answer any urgent emails for 15 mins after they go to sleep. It's been working this way for 5 years and my company will likely retain me forever for this reason.

[Anonymous]

Yes. Quality over quantity. I am rarely on my phone when with my kids, no phones during meals, etc.

[Anonymous]

Working from home a lot, outsourcing the cooking and a lot of housework, rarely being on the phone in front of them, and sending them to my ILs for an overnight a couple of times a month so I can catch up on work and home/family-related admin things and be more relaxed during the week.

[Anonymous]

I wish I had more time with my kids. I made a career change from finance to medicine in my late 20s and am currently in medical school with 2 toddlers. It has definitely been a huge challenge trying to spend time with them but also feeling extremely guilty about not studying as much as my childfree peers. The kids attend full-time school and daycare and are often staying with grandparents overnight 2-3 nights per week. Some days I feel regretful that I have taken on more than I can comfortably handle while other days I feel that the current state of things is temporary. The one thing that I do feel good about is that I read to them 30-60min every night that I can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Working from home a lot, outsourcing the cooking and a lot of housework, rarely being on the phone in front of them, and sending them to my ILs for an overnight a couple of times a month so I can catch up on work and home/family-related admin things and be more relaxed during the week.

Also, DH and I do plenty of divide and conquer. Especially during the weekdays and sometimes during weekends. We all eat meals together though.

[Anonymous]

My kids are in elementary school, and my answer is no. I actually felt better when they were little and in daycare—I was able to drop them off for a big chunk of time and work. I am actually considering taking a step back, which feels counterintuitive given I have done what’s logically the hard part (working fulltime while having babies/toddlers, working fulltime throughout online schooling). But I do feel like they need me more than ever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kids are in elementary school, and my answer is no. I actually felt better when they were little and in daycare—I was able to drop them off for a big chunk of time and work. I am actually considering taking a step back, which feels counterintuitive given I have done what’s logically the hard part (working fulltime while having babies/toddlers, working fulltime throughout online schooling). But I do feel like they need me more than ever.

I actually think this is one thing people underestimate. I think late elementary and middle school are when our kids need our time the most. But it is hard to see that when they are little. I feel like I lucked out. I outsourced a TON when they were little. But upper elementary, I’ve made it to the top. I can now delegate, etc. in a way that lets me spend a ton of time with my fifth grader, etc.

Years ago, a friend of mine with older kids said “I think I need to become a SAHM now that they are in middle school.” At the time, I didn’t get it at all. Now, I get it.

[Anonymous]

I worked 6am-3:30, was with my kids 4-9, worked 9-11.

My H went to work at 9 so as a baby my kids were napping 9-10 and 1-3 so they were with someone else 10-1 and 3-4 … that’s 4 hours a day.

When they were not babies they are in preschool 9/10-1, nap 1-2, so we only missed 2-4 with them.

Then they were in school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kids are in elementary school, and my answer is no. I actually felt better when they were little and in daycare—I was able to drop them off for a big chunk of time and work. I am actually considering taking a step back, which feels counterintuitive given I have done what’s logically the hard part (working fulltime while having babies/toddlers, working fulltime throughout online schooling). But I do feel like they need me more than ever.

I actually think this is one thing people underestimate. I think late elementary and middle school are when our kids need our time the most. But it is hard to see that when they are little. I feel like I lucked out. I outsourced a TON when they were little. But upper elementary, I’ve made it to the top. I can now delegate, etc. in a way that lets me spend a ton of time with my fifth grader, etc.

Years ago, a friend of mine with older kids said “I think I need to become a SAHM now that they are in middle school.” At the time, I didn’t get it at all. Now, I get it.

+1 I have heard this from friends with kids older than mine as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kids are in elementary school, and my answer is no. I actually felt better when they were little and in daycare—I was able to drop them off for a big chunk of time and work. I am actually considering taking a step back, which feels counterintuitive given I have done what’s logically the hard part (working fulltime while having babies/toddlers, working fulltime throughout online schooling). But I do feel like they need me more than ever.

I actually think this is one thing people underestimate. I think late elementary and middle school are when our kids need our time the most. But it is hard to see that when they are little. I feel like I lucked out. I outsourced a TON when they were little. But upper elementary, I’ve made it to the top. I can now delegate, etc. in a way that lets me spend a ton of time with my fifth grader, etc.

Years ago, a friend of mine with older kids said “I think I need to become a SAHM now that they are in middle school.” At the time, I didn’t get it at all. Now, I get it.

I worked my ass off from when they were about 2 until 7th grade, and then switched professions to one that involves almost zero travel, working from home and can be around after school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kids are in elementary school, and my answer is no. I actually felt better when they were little and in daycare—I was able to drop them off for a big chunk of time and work. I am actually considering taking a step back, which feels counterintuitive given I have done what’s logically the hard part (working fulltime while having babies/toddlers, working fulltime throughout online schooling). But I do feel like they need me more than ever.

I actually think this is one thing people underestimate. I think late elementary and middle school are when our kids need our time the most. But it is hard to see that when they are little. I feel like I lucked out. I outsourced a TON when they were little. But upper elementary, I’ve made it to the top. I can now delegate, etc. in a way that lets me spend a ton of time with my fifth grader, etc.

Years ago, a friend of mine with older kids said “I think I need to become a SAHM now that they are in middle school.” At the time, I didn’t get it at all. Now, I get it.

+1. I could have written this post as I had a friend do the same thing. Now that I have a tween my desire to be home is much stronger than it was when DD was younger.