Adult oldest girl and younger brother relationships?

[Anonymous]

Older sister, brother (DH) younger by two years. She still carries on as if she were 12 and he were ten. He works hard at the relationship as it is his only sibling. While it has improved, there are still moments, e.g., claiming no money to visit parents, then takes a six-week trip to Europe with her husband. Tells DH (her brother), "well, it is easier for you to visit them anyways." It's a flight for either one of them, we do not live next door or across town.

When I look at his larger family, they seem very wedded to an older sibling, younger sibling dynamic. I get it, maybe into their early 20s, but after that it seems fairly immaterial.

[Anonymous]

We fit that description, about 9 years apart. I’m married, working with teen kids. He’s single. We live far apart.

Considering all of that, it’s decent. In the past couple of years the texts and FaceTimes have been less frequent. My immediate family is very busy and we are at very different places in life. My brother only has to think about himself. I’m constantly scrambling with my kids and their stuff plus work.

I ask him to come visit several times per year but he doesn’t. He asks us to come there but we are too busy. We are trying to plan a visit to my parents at the same time this summer, since they live in a different part of the country from both of us.

I have a feeling we will be closer again when my kids are grown and all of us are older.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know anyone with a brother so far apart in age, normally it's 2-3 years apart.

Older girl, younger boy is really the best combo of boy/girl. The sister really leads the siblings and is close to their family. She's helpful when the brother is younger.

My friends who had boy then girl aren't as happy. Their sons don't care for the sister at all and aren't helpful. When they're older, they go hang out without their sister.

This was a very common gap when I was growing up. Now people have kids closer, maybe because they start later, but a lot of my fifth grade classmates had kindergarten siblings.

Agree with the posters who say hard to see the younger brother as grown up. I plan the holidays and family get together and he just gets to come along. I talked care of parents health stuff. He may help but has to be told what to do. He is in a much more lucrative field of work but I still pay for more things for the family or buy the food when we're together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The issue here is (will be? Not sure what the context of this question is) the big age spread, not the genders. 5 years is pretty far apart. If it was 2-3 years, it’s much more likely they will be really close.

I’d say gender matters. In some families, daughter is expected to act like little mom and give up her own needs in a way a big brother would not be.

Disagree. It's not some family expectation. I didn't ask my daughter to do anything, nor does she need to give up her own needs. When my son was born, she just love absolutely everything about him. She was desperate to give him bottles and to rock him. I think a lot of girls have an innate maternal feeling. Some of my friends with boys said that their sons wouldn't even look at the new baby or would hit it.

Very narrow and simple view. The bottle years are short. Teens don’t actually want to care for their bratty younger brothers. It just gets reinforced as something good girls do.

[Anonymous]

I’m 35 and my brother is 32…so closer in age than 5 years. We are very close. Neither of us have kids yet, although I got divorced when I was 30 and remarried this year. I talk to him on the phone at least once to several times a week. I think my divorce and COVID made us closer, but we’ve always been pretty close. His girlfriend is 29 and he’s finally inching into the stage of life where I think he’s contemplating settling down, but not completely sure about it. My husband has two older brothers and always remarks on how much closer we are than he is to his brothers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The issue here is (will be? Not sure what the context of this question is) the big age spread, not the genders. 5 years is pretty far apart. If it was 2-3 years, it’s much more likely they will be really close.

I’d say gender matters. In some families, daughter is expected to act like little mom and give up her own needs in a way a big brother would not be.

Disagree. It's not some family expectation. I didn't ask my daughter to do anything, nor does she need to give up her own needs. When my son was born, she just love absolutely everything about him. She was desperate to give him bottles and to rock him. I think a lot of girls have an innate maternal feeling. Some of my friends with boys said that their sons wouldn't even look at the new baby or would hit it.

Very narrow and simple view. The bottle years are short. Teens don’t actually want to care for their bratty younger brothers. It just gets reinforced as something good girls do.

+1

[Anonymous]

Great relationship with my brother who is 10 years younger. We talk every week. If he is in town, he spends a lot of time with my kids. Their teachers know him by name because they won't stop talking about him. He is the only relative their teachers know by name.

I would say it's more of a mother/son relationship except we talk about his dating life, and he would never discuss this with our parents.

[Anonymous]

I'm 37. Brother is 20 in college. I initiate texts all the time and give birthday and Christmas presents. My dad decided to have a new family when I was about to head off to college, it sucks

[Anonymous]

My brother is five years younger than me -- I have a teenager, and he got married last year and now has a baby. So for many years he was single with no kids.

We weren't in touch often. We don't have a strained relationship at all, but it wasn't close; we'd chat a couple times a year and see each other at holidays.

Now he has a baby I make more of an effort to videochat more often.

[Anonymous]

45 over here and younger brother's in his 30's. We're pretty close. I did a lot of his care when he was a baby, he annoyed me so much as a kid, and started turning to me for advice in HS. My DH has a good relationship with him, too. DC loves him lots. He visits when he can, and now it's our turn (we live far apart). We regularly catch up.

I have two other siblings I adore, but I would say I'm closest to him. We have similar personalities.

[Anonymous]

Distant

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know anyone with a brother so far apart in age, normally it's 2-3 years apart.

Older girl, younger boy is really the best combo of boy/girl. The sister really leads the siblings and is close to their family. She's helpful when the brother is younger.

My friends who had boy then girl aren't as happy. Their sons don't care for the sister at all and aren't helpful. When they're older, they go hang out without their sister.

Girl then boy was the only combo I did NOT want.

[Anonymous]

I am 38 and brother is 26. We were close growing up.....my sister and I basically helped raise him. But it became distant after I moved from our hometown. Even more distant when I got married and had my own kids.

Admittedly, we (mom, sister, me) infantilized him for a long time. In the past few years (really since having my own), I have come to understand the BIG difference between being a big sister and an actual mother so made a concerted effort to treat him like a peer. He also has a wonderful girlfriend who is pushy in a very good way and has helped him be a bit more independent (though I often wonder if he sought out a woman who was similar to the women in his life!). That and him wanting to spend time with my kids has made us closer.

I will always love him, but its not the same as when he was that little baby/toddler/boy. And I have become a better sister for understanding that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know anyone with a brother so far apart in age, normally it's 2-3 years apart.

Older girl, younger boy is really the best combo of boy/girl. The sister really leads the siblings and is close to their family. She's helpful when the brother is younger.

My friends who had boy then girl aren't as happy. Their sons don't care for the sister at all and aren't helpful. When they're older, they go hang out without their sister.

Girl then boy was the only combo I did NOT want.

Same. Oldest daughter with three younger brothers... as an adult I appreciate the positives and I like planning holidays etc but as a child I think it's the worst. My parents were great about not expecting me to do any caretaking but I think being the oldest girl with no sister is lonely.