What punishments are acceptable for 18+ year olds?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Punishment for what?

Pay for their own bail, pay for the lawyer.

Sibling arguments, chore refusal, refusing to do something for sibling or parent in a time of panic etc

You still punish for a sibling argument? Oh wow.

For refusing to help around the house I stop doing something for them. Tell him to figure out his own meals without making a mess.

How much of an issue are you having with that?

[Anonymous]

The controlling aspect a PP posted about is definitely a thing. My SIL told me they moved to the exburbs when their kid hit middle school specifically so that the kid couldn’t get anywhere on their own without earning car privileges.

[Anonymous]

Are they still in Highschool? if so I would treat them as a minor.

[Anonymous]

Just have an adult to adult discussion of how to resolve the issue. Unless you are the type who can kick them out and not care about what happens to them, there is little a punishment can do. You need to use patience and talk logic.

[Anonymous]

OP, since this resentment exists --- you need to move them towards financial in dependence. Well, THEY need to move in this direction. YOU need to be pressuring for it to happen.

This is now an adult relationship between you two. Or needs to be. You can be disappointed. They can disappoint you. It should, however, be both adults navigating this --- and that required them to support themselves, completely, financially.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Punishment for what?

Pay for their own bail, pay for the lawyer.

Sibling arguments, chore refusal, refusing to do something for sibling or parent in a time of panic etc

Why aren’t they in college?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Punishment for what?

Pay for their own bail, pay for the lawyer.

Sibling arguments, chore refusal, refusing to do something for sibling or parent in a time of panic etc

I can't imagine punishing an adult for arguing with their sibling. And you don't assign chores to another adult. If they are living at home, they are expected to pick up after themselves and do their share of household tasks, just as they would if they were living with roommates. If they are unwilling to carry their weight, then (1) I'd stop doing chores and favors that benefit them and (2) we'd be setting a timeline for them to move out.

And I'd need more facts about "refusing to do something" in a "time of panic." What was the emergency? What did you want them to do? Was it really necessary for them to do that? Would doing that require them to, say, miss work? Generally, I just don't do favors for people who don't reciprocate, so the natural consequences of refusing to help out in a pinch would be that they shouldn't expect me to help them out when they are in a jam, barring actual or imminent bodily injury or danger.

Yeah, refusing to do something in a "time of panic" is a red flag for me because this indicates that the PARENT was in a panic and was asking their kid to help them out of a jam. This indicates a parent who operates on an emergency basis a lot and expects their children to pick up the slack. Problematic, to say the least. The fact that now that parent is looking to punish the child for not helping them out of a jam just speaks to a very dysfunctional relationship, likely one in which their adult child has been parentified and is probably fighting back against it now that they are not legally a minor.

The thing that's the red flag for me is that OP even came up with this as an example, suggesting that it's something that happens regularly. How many emergencies do you have, that your adult child not helping out is a major issue?

+1 with the “time of panic”.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They are adults. Time for punishment is over.

Essentially this. But pulling financial support is always an option. They don't need to live in my house if they are not acting like responsible adults.

+1 if they are adults and think they can do whatever they want, then they can also financially support themselves so that they can do whatever they want.

[Anonymous]

Some adults don't get along that well. Adults can disappoint each other.

No reason to think this is any different of a situation. Difference is: Op, you are not required, and it is not your place to manage, dictate or decide for another adult. BUT the adult can not be dependent on you, in any way. Not financially.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some adults don't get along that well. Adults can disappoint each other.

No reason to think this is any different of a situation. Difference is: Op, you are not required, and it is not your place to manage, dictate or decide for another adult. BUT the adult can not be dependent on you, in any way. Not financially.

It’s not that simple. If you never taught your child how to drive or forbid them from getting their license until 18+, didn’t provide for their basic needs and yet think you still get to call the shots, don’t be surprised if your child is dependent on you financially. Just because you didn’t groom them to be financially independent doesn’t mean you get to be an authoritarian.

[Anonymous]

At 18 the child had darn well better be paying for his own phone! Jeeez. No wonder we have an "entitlement" generation.

Take away car keys and any allowance you give. It makes me laugh to even say allowance for an adult child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:At 18 the child had darn well better be paying for his own phone! Jeeez. No wonder we have an "entitlement" generation.

Take away car keys and any allowance you give. It makes me laugh to even say allowance for an adult child.

Not at all. It costs nothing extra for our child to be on our family plan & they’ve had the same phone for four years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:At 18 the child had darn well better be paying for his own phone! Jeeez. No wonder we have an "entitlement" generation.

Take away car keys and any allowance you give. It makes me laugh to even say allowance for an adult child.

If your child is in college in 2023, I guarantee the vast majority of their classmates, especially the ones getting 3.8+ GPAs in difficult majors, are having their rent, tuition & food paid for my their parents. If you would prefer to handicap your child, feel free.

[Anonymous]

Weak parents defending their even weaker children.

[Anonymous]

It should be natural consequences vs punishment. Start seeing it that way and they may learn something.