If it was the norm not to have kids, would you still have them?

[Anonymous]

I'm surrounded by adults who didn't have kids. I live in NYC and I feel like it's one of the few places where it's not unusual to make it through adulthood without having kids. I could totally see myself living an awesome life without kids -- I have plenty of models for what that might look like and I have to say it's pretty nice. That said, I didn't give parenthood much thought until I met my DH and realized that the only thing better than him alone would be raising kids with him, and I'm really glad we did (we have 2).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No but holy s*** do I think people downplay kids. I never wanted kids and if I wasn’t so old I’d have like 12. I enjoy them more than I’d ever known (only my kids though, still can’t stand other people’s kids). It’s all the cliches come true. So I’m glad a lot of society feels that way and pressured me into my own.

Wow, I feel the exact opposite.

I’m sorry. Have you considered adoption? All kids deserve to feel wanted.

[Anonymous]

I would definitely have kids. But maybe I would not be contemplating a third if there was more of a stigma associated with it.

[Anonymous]

Yes. I had kids so late that it was no longer the norm to have them at my age. I have plenty of child-free relatives and some child-free friends. It was a huge struggle to have a child and so worth it. There is tremendous pressure not to have a second - but I'm going to go for it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No but holy s*** do I think people downplay kids. I never wanted kids and if I wasn’t so old I’d have like 12. I enjoy them more than I’d ever known (only my kids though, still can’t stand other people’s kids). It’s all the cliches come true. So I’m glad a lot of society feels that way and pressured me into my own. [/quote

You do realize that your kids are "other peopleas kids?" to other people? what a terrible attitude

[Anonymous]

Yes because I didn't have kids because it was expected, I had them because I got baby-hungry (I had kids young so nobody was pressuring me).

But if I had known what I know now, I'm not sure I'd have kids. It was and continues to be a huge sacrifice, and my oldest wishes she had never been born because she has struggled with major mental health struggles her entire life. If you think about it, the fact that I chose to have kids is a little unfair to her. But her younger brother loves being alive and thanks me every day for his existence. I dunno, it's a very odd and existential issue to grapple with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No but holy s*** do I think people downplay kids. I never wanted kids and if I wasn’t so old I’d have like 12. I enjoy them more than I’d ever known (only my kids though, still can’t stand other people’s kids). It’s all the cliches come true. So I’m glad a lot of society feels that way and pressured me into my own. [/quote

You do realize that your kids are "other peopleas kids?" to other people? what a terrible attitude

Not PP but this is an odd thing to be offended by. People can be “not kid people” while adoring their own specific children.

[Anonymous]

IDK - I always wanted to have kids since I was little. I feel like it's innate or something haha.

I do like guys fwiw - always boy crazy - but if somehow the thing was for women to be with women, I think I could probably do that to hahah.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:IDK - I always wanted to have kids since I was little. I feel like it's innate or something haha.

I do like guys fwiw - always boy crazy - but if somehow the thing was for women to be with women, I think I could probably do that to hahah.

To be clear I have 3 kids and I am married to a man LOL. I think I would have the kids even if everyone else wasn't but who knows. I was the first to have kids in my crowd at 27.

[Anonymous]

I never wanted kids until I was about 32 and my biology completely took over my brain and my urge to procreate was strong. I may have fought it if it wasn’t the norm. But, you know, that urge is why humans still exist.

[Anonymous]

My main social group from the pre-kids era has a TFR well under .5, and, as I have oodles of children, it was not the norm and I had them anyway. Wouldn't mind more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No but holy s*** do I think people downplay kids. I never wanted kids and if I wasn’t so old I’d have like 12. I enjoy them more than I’d ever known (only my kids though, still can’t stand other people’s kids). It’s all the cliches come true. So I’m glad a lot of society feels that way and pressured me into my own.

I love this comment. I feel the same way. I totally didn't want kids. I remember at my baby shower everyone cooing at the gifts and me trying to look excited and my mom said later "Are you even excited about this baby?" Actually, not really, I wasn't. But I had hit my early 30s, had been married for a while, and I just felt it would be weird not to have at least one kid. Everyone around me was popping them out and I figured, with some reluctance, that it was time.

Then I had him and it was like choirs of angels emerged and my heart was beaming with passion and pride. I was forever changed. Seriously, I was the girl who would stay in her office when anyone brought their new baby in to show off. Like yeah, that's great, beautiful, now let me get back to work. Now I ooh and ahh at all the babies and at the new mother because I remember how I felt back then. Just awash with happiness and awe and love. I love being a mom. I went on to have two more babies after the first. My younger self would've been stunned (and probably a bit depressed) to see how my life turned out but I would just sit her down and explain to her that these kids are the best thing that could have ever happened. Reason for living, seriously.

So yeah, like you, I'm glad I felt like having kids was just the thing to do.

[Anonymous]

I don't think you can answer that question because you are both a product of society and your genes. I'm a guy, but I always envisioned myself being married with a couple kids ever since kindergarten (I distinctly remember the first girl that year that I was sure I was going to marry). You could say that social norms dictated that but apparently I also told my mom that I wanted to be a Transformer when I grew up, and becoming a transformer was not the social norm.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I honestly don't know. I think maybe not? I wasn't someone who desperately wanted kids or felt a "biological" urge - I just kind of assumed I would have them because it's the normal thing to do.

I'm very glad I did, it has brought me so much joy, but if it was the norm not to, I'm not sure I would have.

Same

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm surrounded by adults who didn't have kids. I live in NYC and I feel like it's one of the few places where it's not unusual to make it through adulthood without having kids. I could totally see myself living an awesome life without kids -- I have plenty of models for what that might look like and I have to say it's pretty nice. That said, I didn't give parenthood much thought until I met my DH and realized that the only thing better than him alone would be raising kids with him, and I'm really glad we did (we have 2).

This thread actually made me search to see if it was the norm, and wow! By age 40, 86% of U.S. women have had a child. I'm kind of shocked by that.