What is the least effective parenting style?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Great question.

I would say an abusive parenting style would be least effective. That would include being passively abusive and neglectful - or actively abusive. Authoritarian parenting would also qualify as abusive.
So would parenting characterized by favoritism. So terribly damaging.

Just thought of Prince Harry and how it must have been terrible as a kid to be labeled the expendable extra. Talk about parents playing favorites!

Worth a read: https://raisingamericans.substack.com/p/a-royal-mistake-the-destructiveness

Not arguing that authoritarian parenting is good, but it is not necessarily abusive.

+1. My typical boomer parents were authoritarian and in no way abusive. Permissive parenting can be incredibly damaging

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The one where you get divorced, the kids start acting crazy and you let the kids rule because you don’t want them to like the other parent more. (Seen this one a lot.)

This is called permissive parenting. And I agree (and the experts agree) that permissive parenting is the worst possible thing you can do for kids. It’s even worse than neglect.

Unfortunately more and more parents do it. All the parents defending their kids and acting like they shouldn’t have punishments in schools for disruptive behavior are permissive parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Looking at adults, I think the two worst are hyper-coddling your kids so they never learn to be self-sufficient and break out of the nest. I know two families with adult children that have never married, still move home periodically, and interact with their parents like children/teenagers. Five total adult children I know and all ended up the exact same way. Objectively I think this is failed parenting and terrible, but in fairness those families all seem to love each other and don't have the awareness of how toxic it is. And abusive narcissism, particularly in mothers. Those are the adult children that go no contact and have trouble with their own relationships as adults.

Thinking more, perhaps these are both different manifestations of narcissism? Perhaps the parents in the first type of family are also narcissists, but loving to their kids so the kids never see their parents for what they really are?

This sounds like it might be some version of Attachment Parenting? Where you breastfeed the kids until they're five, co-sleep with them. Never do a date night or let the kids out of your sight.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Looking at adults, I think the two worst are hyper-coddling your kids so they never learn to be self-sufficient and break out of the nest. I know two families with adult children that have never married, still move home periodically, and interact with their parents like children/teenagers. Five total adult children I know and all ended up the exact same way. Objectively I think this is failed parenting and terrible, but in fairness those families all seem to love each other and don't have the awareness of how toxic it is. And abusive narcissism, particularly in mothers. Those are the adult children that go no contact and have trouble with their own relationships as adults.

Thinking more, perhaps these are both different manifestations of narcissism? Perhaps the parents in the first type of family are also narcissists, but loving to their kids so the kids never see their parents for what they really are?

This sounds like it might be some version of Attachment Parenting? Where you breastfeed the kids until they're five, co-sleep with them. Never do a date night or let the kids out of your sight.

We don’t do date nights because we’re poor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Great question.

I would say an abusive parenting style would be least effective. That would include being passively abusive and neglectful - or actively abusive. Authoritarian parenting would also qualify as abusive.
So would parenting characterized by favoritism. So terribly damaging.

Just thought of Prince Harry and how it must have been terrible as a kid to be labeled the expendable extra. Talk about parents playing favorites!

Worth a read: https://raisingamericans.substack.com/p/a-royal-mistake-the-destructiveness

Not arguing that authoritarian parenting is good, but it is not necessarily abusive.

+1. My typical boomer parents were authoritarian and in no way abusive. Permissive parenting can be incredibly damaging

Your parents were likely authoritative. Not authoritarian which is damaging and in most cases abusive.
Same as Permissive damaging and often neglectfy

[Anonymous]

Obviously physical and emotional abuse is the worst.

Permissive parenting is lazy but well-intentioned. The kids usually turn out entitled and out of control, parents blame biology instead of parenting because "we just love her so much."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Great question.

I would say an abusive parenting style would be least effective. That would include being passively abusive and neglectful - or actively abusive. Authoritarian parenting would also qualify as abusive.
So would parenting characterized by favoritism. So terribly damaging.

Just thought of Prince Harry and how it must have been terrible as a kid to be labeled the expendable extra. Talk about parents playing favorites!

Worth a read: https://raisingamericans.substack.com/p/a-royal-mistake-the-destructiveness

I can't take you seriously since you decided to use Harry as an example

seriously. So like, a monarchy should be like every kid gets to share the line of succession equally? Everybody gets a cookie? 2 Kings? What about Beatrice and Eugenie? Why should they be "spares?" This makes no sense.

[Anonymous]

Attachment parenting and ebf, in my observation this usually goes along with permissive parenting.

[Anonymous]

From what I have learned as a parent: any parenting driven by guilt and anxiety. I have a tendency to do that. I’m still working on it.

[Anonymous]

Authoritarian - the studies have been done.

[Anonymous]

The one that least matches the child.

Kids can be very, very different and what works very well on one will not work at all on another, something that is little noticed in these days of social class segregation and small family sizes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Looking at adults, I think the two worst are hyper-coddling your kids so they never learn to be self-sufficient and break out of the nest. I know two families with adult children that have never married, still move home periodically, and interact with their parents like children/teenagers. Five total adult children I know and all ended up the exact same way. Objectively I think this is failed parenting and terrible, but in fairness those families all seem to love each other and don't have the awareness of how toxic it is. And abusive narcissism, particularly in mothers. Those are the adult children that go no contact and have trouble with their own relationships as adults.

Thinking more, perhaps these are both different manifestations of narcissism? Perhaps the parents in the first type of family are also narcissists, but loving to their kids so the kids never see their parents for what they really are?

This sounds like it might be some version of Attachment Parenting? Where you breastfeed the kids until they're five, co-sleep with them. Never do a date night or let the kids out of your sight.

We don’t do date nights because we’re poor.

This and I love this comment because it reflects something that really annoys me:

Some people assume that every parenting choice you make is a reflection of a specficia parenting "style" you have adopted and believe all people should use.

And they think this because they are like this, they have adopted a specific style (usually due to reading a book that they will push on you repeatedly as the parenting bible) and they assume everyone is like this.

Well folks, let me let you in on something: most people don't have a parenting style. Their parenting is a combination of intentional choices based on how they want to raise their kids (like 15%), instincts based on how they were raised (say 35%), and then just the reality of their lives over which they have very limited control (like 50%).

Some people who had crap childhoods and want to change things can alter the percentages on the first two factors. If you had abusive parents and you do the work, you can make ti more like 40% intentional choices and 10% instincts based on your upbringing. But that second part, the 50%? It is what it is.

I stayed home with our kids when they were small because it was financially better for us than me continuing to work -- childcare was way more than my income for multiple kids.
I breastfed with my kids because I was already home and it was cheaper than buying formula, plus breastfeeding came easily with no issues.
Our kids slept in our room as babies because our home is small.
We used carriers instead of strollers more when they were very young because we lived in a 3rd floor walk up and it's annoying to haul a stroller up and down those stairs.

And so on. I've had people tell me "oh, you're so into attachment parenting" because they don't understand how much my parenting choices were constrained by finances and opportunity. It is only the very wealthy who truly "choose" a lot of this stuff, and even they are constrained by life circumstances in ways they may not understand. That's why often they all do the same things, because that's what people do and they don't want to be outliers. They didn't "choose" that style of parenting, it's just what their friends/neighbors/families already do and the pressure to conform is strong.