People who never ask you any questions about yourself

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you aren’t a skilled enough conversationalist to the point where you must wait like a child actor listening for a cue to volunteer information about yourself or steer a conversation, I don’t think we can help you.

Nope. Really skilled conversionalists understand give and take and do give openings for other people to share their experiences and thoughts. They don't just drone on and on about themselves.

OK, well…OP finds herself in a neighborhood where this is the norm. She can either sulk and expect things to magically change, or she can simply adapt and instead of wah-wah-ing and acting like a wallflower, jump in and volunteer more information about herself and steer the conversation. She can engineer things a little bit rather than whining on the sidelines.

You’re part of the problem. Affirming a person’s experience is part of human connection. FAIL but thanks for playing.

OK, enjoy your same, never-ending dynamic!

Ha ha I will just not hang around people like that and im assuming you. Instead I will find conversation with people who talk WITH me not AT me.

Good, mission accomplished. The one time I asked you a question, you monologued a never-ending paragraph (like the OP) with me, and I knew instantly you were one of THOSE people, and I was hoping to gently nudge you away from me. Success!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I run into these people too OP. They are clearly on this thread. I guess people just expect you to interject. I have started doing this to people like you describe- and they don't seem to even hear me they are just waiting to start talking about themselves again. Very very boorish, tacky and boring. I make a game of it now and just observe with wry amusement.

Jeez, I want to hug you guys. There are good people in this area that experience this daily. I wish there was a good way for parents to make friends with real (non-vapid, social climber) people here.

It’s OP. After reading the first few responses I was tempted not to return, so thanks. I haven’t posted about this before, and I get that I blabbed too long in my original post, SORRY. I guarantee you it’s more than I’ve shared in total with the neighbors. I’m not a social dolt and have outside friends and interests, which is why I find this dynamic so baffling. I have tried many ways to engage, “engineer,” “volunteer more information,” etc. The conversation returns to them. Appreciate the few people who confirmed this is not just me.

[Anonymous]

We have two acquaintances who are career diplomats who made it to ambassador. They have interesting lives but have terrible conversational skills. Talk incessantly about themselves, appear to have no interest in others’ lives, very transactional. After a lot of observation, I’ve realized that they have social climbing skills, not social skills. Maybe the ats like your neighbors. When you’re focused on social combing, it’s really not possible to engage in social connection. One is transactional and shallow, and the other is personal and substantive.

[Anonymous]

Many people are self-absorbed bores. You’re just seeing a lot of them in your circle, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you aren’t a skilled enough conversationalist to the point where you must wait like a child actor listening for a cue to volunteer information about yourself or steer a conversation, I don’t think we can help you.

Nope. Really skilled conversionalists understand give and take and do give openings for other people to share their experiences and thoughts. They don't just drone on and on about themselves.

OK, well…OP finds herself in a neighborhood where this is the norm. She can either sulk and expect things to magically change, or she can simply adapt and instead of wah-wah-ing and acting like a wallflower, jump in and volunteer more information about herself and steer the conversation. She can engineer things a little bit rather than whining on the sidelines.

You’re part of the problem. Affirming a person’s experience is part of human connection. FAIL but thanks for playing.

OK, enjoy your same, never-ending dynamic!

Ha ha I will just not hang around people like that and im assuming you. Instead I will find conversation with people who talk WITH me not AT me.

Good, mission accomplished. The one time I asked you a question, you monologued a never-ending paragraph (like the OP) with me, and I knew instantly you were one of THOSE people, and I was hoping to gently nudge you away from me. Success!

Ha ha no you are projecting. I'm the person listening while you word vomit everywhere. I try to interject my thoughts or experiences, get a sentence out then it's back to your incessant chattering.

[Anonymous]

Man, people are being brutal. I actually notice this dynamic. It’s a thing. Keep up relationships with this group, but find better friends. They’re there!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Many people are self-absorbed bores. You’re just seeing a lot of them in your circle, OP.

yes, and there are a lot of them in NW DC. I've been here for 10 years and have made a handful of very good friends but in the process have sorted through of dozens and dozens of self-absorbed bores.
At my kids' school I've suffered through countess (hundreds?) of conversations with another parent droning on and on about himself or herself (it's generally a man but some women as well). Sometimes when my husband and I go to a school event we both encounter these types and will end the evening and compare notes and realize that we did not talk to a single person who asked us one question. They just talked endlessly about themselves. I've become fairly good at just interjecting things about myself into conversations but that still feels weird. Then you have two people just talking AT each other.

But keep looking. The socially skilled are out there! I have met some lovely, lovely people here and some have become life-long friends. Some are among the most impressive and successful people I've met (so yes-- you can be wildly successful AND take a genuine interest in other people)

[Anonymous]

I totally relate to you, op.

I was thinking about this recently, how I know so much more about other people than they know about me because I ask a lot of questions. I tend to be pretty curious, so I love hearing about people's jobs or childhoods or hobbies and might ask specific questions and follow up to get more info, just to learn something new.

Whereas other people ask me broad questions like "how are you?" or "how've you been?" that don't usually lead to interesting answers. I have a hard time judging how much detail they might want, so I err on the side of giving a short basic answer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I totally relate to you, op.

I was thinking about this recently, how I know so much more about other people than they know about me because I ask a lot of questions. I tend to be pretty curious, so I love hearing about people's jobs or childhoods or hobbies and might ask specific questions and follow up to get more info, just to learn something new.

Whereas other people ask me broad questions like "how are you?" or "how've you been?" that don't usually lead to interesting answers. I have a hard time judging how much detail they might want, so I err on the side of giving a short basic answer.

I just don’t think there are as many curious people out there anymore. People are more self absorbed than ever. Keep looking though because we do exist!

[Anonymous]

I can relate to this too. It seems many people are afraid to “give too much away” or offend or can’t be bothered. It is frustrating! And I don’t like interjecting my contribution because it feels like parallel talking and not talking to each other.
It is these unsatisfying conversations that I find really draining

[Anonymous]

I have a "friend" like this....90 percent of the conversation is about her...she will ask me some questions but will then direct my answers back to talking about her own life. I'm trying to limit my interactions with her.

[Anonymous]

It’s even worse when it’s your sister and your husband’s sister and their husbands. They literally ask us nothing - even if we ask them something just begging for a reciprocal - “so, any trips planned?” “Is Jack still playing baseball?” “How’s Jim’s mom doing after her illness?”

Literally just answers but nothing back. Nothing. It’s a (sad) game to us now. We compare notes after a visit if we were asked any questions and we weren’t. Ever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have lived in our neighborhood for over a year now and while it's nice, kids have made friends, I don't feel connected or close to anyone. We are not excluded, have a decent time at backyard parties and other social gatherings, I'm in book clubs, things like that. But I have noticed when we socialize that people don't ask me or DH questions at all. They happily gab on and on about themselves without reciprocating. DH golfs with a few men in the neighborhood and reports the same. Lots of talk about themselves, he asks a lot of questions to try to connect, but it's not returned. I definitely dig deeper so that conversations go beyond small talk with people, and I offer things up but always find the conversation steered back to the other person. I know a LOT about the other families in the neighborhood. Who doesn't like who, whose marriage is on the rocks, where they went to school, their jobs, etc. People tend to confide in me. But there's no way they know anything beyond the basics about me, despite my attempts to offer things up or engage in conversation about topics that might be more relevant to me (which I am starting to feel weird about!). I find it really off-putting and isolating. Our previous neighborhood was very transient so we didn't get to know many people. Among my other social groups - coworkers, childhood and college friends - I think I'm known as chatty and funny, and I have interests that other people seem to enjoy talking about with me, and I don't doubt that it's genuine. My role in this social circle is to fangirl over everyone else. It's shaken my confidence. I'm not exactly an extrovert, but I feel obligated to keep up connections for the sake of our young kids and, frankly, because we want to be a part of the community here. Anyone else experienced something similar?

Wtf do you want here? Maybe you look odd and uninteresting

You are the odd one here, with your effed up response to the OP.

[Anonymous]

OP- Pet peeve of mine!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People are definitely more self-absorbed than in previous years, for sure.

I just had a convo with a friend where I said I have this habit and hate it and I'm trying to fix it. She made a good observation: We've spent the last two years consumed with worrying about ourselves, not socializing, and really isolated. It's sort of not surprising. The question (not to OP, but in general) is whether you recognize if you're doing it, and if yes, what are you doing to change?