Would you let your kid transfer colleges a second time?

[Anonymous]

Op — I allow suggest changing your language. What do you mean should you allow her to transfer? She doesn’t need your permission. You can suggest, recommend, support, but she can do what she wants as far as school. She does not need your permission.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op — I allow suggest changing your language. What do you mean should you allow her to transfer? She doesn’t need your permission. You can suggest, recommend, support, but she can do what she wants as far as school. She does not need your permission.

OP here. She cares about my input and has asked me to help her think about the pros & cons of it. She is doing the same thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would allow, even encourage, it, but I would also push hard for mental health treatment.

This.

They can help harden her resilience, but for now it sounds like she needs to be surrounded by a safe and loving family.
She is lucky to have that, and it is healthy for her to realize that.

Sounds like no time for tough love (i.e., she thought the first college was the problem, now you both realize that she needs to be kept close...).

That is okay. There are much worse stories out there...So, step up and parent her because she is not ready to be out on her own. She will get there, with your help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op — I allow suggest changing your language. What do you mean should you allow her to transfer? She doesn’t need your permission. You can suggest, recommend, support, but she can do what she wants as far as school. She does not need your permission.

Oh come on. Most of us are underwriting our kid's education. It would be very hard for them to cut us (and our input) loose.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op — I allow suggest changing your language. What do you mean should you allow her to transfer? She doesn’t need your permission. You can suggest, recommend, support, but she can do what she wants as far as school. She does not need your permission.

OP here. She cares about my input and has asked me to help her think about the pros & cons of it. She is doing the same thing.

Maybe, but you’re still approaching it like should you ALLOW this or that. This may be part of why she is struggling. Present her options, but don’t tell her what to do. She needs to make and own the decisions, not you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:At worst, you are status obsessed (she went from SLAC to lesser-than), controlling ("should I 'let' her") and really, I wonder if you are a support or a purse.

+100

[Anonymous]

I have another idea. Does the college have a mom or parent Facebook page? I am not usually a fan of these, but sometimes, people can be helpful or have resources for you and your DD to investigate. Of course, you are aware apartment living by yourself is always more expensive than a sharing situation. You can also try the college confidential website under your specific college for some useful assistance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have another idea. Does the college have a mom or parent Facebook page? I am not usually a fan of these, but sometimes, people can be helpful or have resources for you and your DD to investigate. Of course, you are aware apartment living by yourself is always more expensive than a sharing situation. You can also try the college confidential website under your specific college for some useful assistance.

OP here. Will try that. We’re aware and DC is actively looking for “quiet” roommate(s), but their options are subleases or one-off rooms in someone else’s friend group for the most part at this time of year, which is unpredictable.

[Anonymous]

Are there sororities on campus? She’d have an instant friend group and usually there are housing options as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP— I have an anxiety disorder. And as a result, transitions are tough for me. Transition to college, to grad school, to career, to marriage, to motherhood. Now to empty nest— all tough. So, I have gotten therapy and learned how to set up good situations (I’m now laying the groundwork of things to do for when my 2022 kid leaves) and to tolerate uncomfortable ones until they become familiar.

Sometimes, transferring is the right call. But, I look and I see a kid who had a tough first year in transferred— in 2020 during COVID, when everyplace was less than ideal. I have 2020 kid. It was not ideal, but most kids dealt with less than ideal and looked forward to more normal this year. And now your wants to transfer again— because of housing. And that point, she has 2 “failures” under her belt in places where most college kids were or are able to make it work.

At some point, you DD will have to stick with a less than ideal, unfamiliar or difficult situation or she will never be able to live independently, have a career or have a family. Those are skills you learn. And every time she does’t stick with a situation that has issues but isn’t terrible, she has less confidence in herself.

I would do whatever it took to make this situation work. It has a downside: housing. State college will have a downside too. The grass is always greener. Help her find housing, have her take a gap year to get therapy and work, work with disability services to keep her on campus— whatever. Filling in as her friend is not healthy. Helping her avoid dealing with uncomfortable situations is not a good idea.

FWIw, my kid has sensory issues. I call them bat ears. If your DD advertised for a roommate looking for a quiet environment, she’d sign on for that over living with a noisy BFF. There are definitely other kids looking for quiet roommates.

Agree with all this, excellent advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are there sororities on campus? She’d have an instant friend group and usually there are housing options as well.

Based on OP's description, she's not a candidate for that.

[Anonymous]

The housing and other issues might be a symptom of something primary. It seems like the daughter wants to be sheltered/protected by her parents at a time when she should be building independence. It’s like the daughter just isn’t ready to deal with the life of an independent adult. What is the cause of that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The housing and other issues might be a symptom of something primary. It seems like the daughter wants to be sheltered/protected by her parents at a time when she should be building independence. It’s like the daughter just isn’t ready to deal with the life of an independent adult. What is the cause of that?

The horror.

[Anonymous]

OP, there is something very odd about your child -wanting- to live at home, seeking that out. Not saying you can't allow it but she is not on track.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, there is something very odd about your child -wanting- to live at home, seeking that out. Not saying you can't allow it but she is not on track.

NP. Just so you are aware, the “going away to college” thing is niche among the (white) upper middle class & upper class only. In most socioeconomic classes and cultures in the US, it would be highly unusual to move out the home for college.