My mom is dead. My two best friends have theirs

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you really loved your mom and enjoyed spending time with her. A lot to of people can not say that. I can’t. Focus on the memories you have of her. At least you had a good mom for decades, which is more than most can say

I ordinarily dislike a response that basically tells someone to look in the bright side if something painful because it can feel minimizing. But I’m going to +1 this one because you are focused on what your friends are getting to have that you cannot have. But so many people have never had good relationships with either if their parents. If you did, that’s a gift. And you may not understand the dividends that gift pays you.

PPs, would you tell refugees currently fleeing to Poland to be glad they have the legs to do so?

OP, I'm sorry you're in a hard place right now. Your loss is still very fresh, so of course it's painful to be reminded that your mom is gone.

You're allowed to feel what you're feeling. Don't try to push it away. Eventually you will indeed be able to focus on the good memories you have, but it takes time to get there.

You misunderstand. I am not telling PP to be grateful for what she had. I'm suggesting that her resentment towards her friends is misplaced and will not help her process her grief. The issue is not that they have something she doesn't (unless they have the exact same relationship with their mothers that OP had with hers, which is impossible to know and unlikely), but simply that she has lost something very meaningful to her. My suggestion is to focus on her own loss and not compare herself to her friends.

There is a tendency when you lose a parent to view every person who hasn't lost a parent as more fortunate than you. This is simply false. So many parents are terrible, and there are so many fraught and burdensome parent-child relationships in the world. Thinking of the world this way (as divided between people with living, loving mothers and people without) overlooks the fact that many people with living mothers grieve the fact that they don't have loving (or mentally stable, or emotionally mature, or sober, etc.) mother every day, perhaps even including OP's friend. There is no cornering the market on pain or grief.

Thus it is better to avoid the comparison and simply think only of what you have or what you have lost. You don't have to be happy or grateful for it -- you can be angry, sad, bitter, whatever feeling comes to you. But inward focus will help you feel and process those feelings, and outward focus will not. It's a distraction.

I think you are way, way overthinking this and projecting. OP is sad/angry because this situation is a reminder of the loss of her mother. She is not saying everyone with a parent has it so much better than her. She is simply overwhelmed with the grief of loosing her mom. Seeing or hearing other people with their moms is going to be tough for a while. It's about her and her loss. And her reaction is perfectly normal and ok.

HUGS OP!

[Anonymous]

My mom is still with me but she has dementia and is a shell of the person she once was. Acknowledge the grief, take the day off, get drunk if that’s your thing, cry, scream, whatever it takes to get it out of your system and then move forward as best you can. There’s a quote that says something like, you can’t stop the birds of sadness from flying around your head but you can stop them from nesting in your hair. Peace and big hugs to you, OP.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think you should take the day to cry, if you'd like to. But also don't be upset with your friends because I think until you lose your mom (or another parent) its hard to understand that absence.

This coming Sunday is the anniversary of my mom's death four years ago, and earlier this week I woke up sobbing because in my dream she hugged me and I could feel her, and was so sad to let her go. I've been sort of emotionally handicapped by that this week and I didn't anticipate that.

I'm really sorry. I know it hurts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom died when I was 3, my brother when I was 13, my dad when I was 22. I’ve lived the past 13 years without any family. Life is what you make of it and dwelling on what other’s have that you do not will not make you happy.

Oh I am so so sorry. Sending you peace.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think you should take the day to cry, if you'd like to. But also don't be upset with your friends because I think until you lose your mom (or another parent) its hard to understand that absence.

This coming Sunday is the anniversary of my mom's death four years ago, and earlier this week I woke up sobbing because in my dream she hugged me and I could feel her, and was so sad to let her go. I've been sort of emotionally handicapped by that this week and I didn't anticipate that.

I'm really sorry. I know it hurts.

I’ve had dreams like that. I like to think they are a visit. They make me sad and happy at the same time.

[Anonymous]

You misunderstand. I am not telling PP to be grateful for what she had. I'm suggesting that her resentment towards her friends is misplaced and will not help her process her grief. The issue is not that they have something she doesn't (unless they have the exact same relationship with their mothers that OP had with hers, which is impossible to know and unlikely), but simply that she has lost something very meaningful to her. My suggestion is to focus on her own loss and not compare herself to her friends.

There is a tendency when you lose a parent to view every person who hasn't lost a parent as more fortunate than you. This is simply false. So many parents are terrible, and there are so many fraught and burdensome parent-child relationships in the world. Thinking of the world this way (as divided between people with living, loving mothers and people without) overlooks the fact that many people with living mothers grieve the fact that they don't have loving (or mentally stable, or emotionally mature, or sober, etc.) mother every day, perhaps even including OP's friend. There is no cornering the market on pain or grief.

Thus it is better to avoid the comparison and simply think only of what you have or what you have lost. You don't have to be happy or grateful for it -- you can be angry, sad, bitter, whatever feeling comes to you. But inward focus will help you feel and process those feelings, and outward focus will not. It's a distraction.

+1. I don't think you are overthinking PP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you really loved your mom and enjoyed spending time with her. A lot to of people can not say that. I can’t. Focus on the memories you have of her. At least you had a good mom for decades, which is more than most can say

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They will join the club you are in eventually, don't be angry with them, be happy for them.

You probably would benefit from a grief group. It's been too long.

It's been too long for what?

+1 Who are you to tell another person they are taking too long to mourn?