My husband is so disappointed in our son

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think ppl are being a super mean to OP. Your kid's not perfect (most 18 yr olds aren't). He's going off to college. This could be a game changer. Your son might just grow up and and your DH might just relax once he's out of the house. I'd try to bring tensions down as much as possible and get that boy off to school. Then, re-group and see where your relationship with your DH is. Where I think you do need to assert yourself is in absorbing any toxic BS your DH sends your way. If he's venting about his disappointment and blaming you I'd come up with a 1-2 line response that you repeat every time that ends the discussion. Something like "I'm sorry you feel that way, perhaps you want to talk to a counselor about how we can improve our relationship with DS." Whatever he says in response, you repeat your line, rinse, repeat, don't otherwise engage and leave the room.

OP, I agree with this advice. I think there's two issues, your DH's attitude towards his son, and then his attitude towards you.

I'm in a somewhat similar situation. My husband, I have come to decide, has narcissistic tendencies. He was fine with the kids when they were young, but when DS reached the age where he was coming into being his own person, DH hasn't dealt well with that. He's seemingly only interested in his kids when he can shape them into what he thinks they should be. His laser focus right now is on our 18 year son and what he thinks he should major in at college, what his career should be, and what he should do with his time. Our DS is a "good" kid, we've had no disciplinary issues with him, 4.0 GPA, varsity sports, part-time job on top of all of that. But my DH only uses that to puff up his own chest when talking to friends and family. In the house it's how lazy DS is because he sleeps on weekends until noon, how he doesn't do enough yard work, DH goes nuts when DS has dented the 13-year old car we let him drive (isn't this why we let them drive old cars?), etc. And of course it's sometimes blamed on me for being too permissive. If I defend DS, I'm told I choose him over DH and that's not acceptable for our marriage to continue.

But DS isn't entirely blameless. I can see him doubling down on some behaviors and actions to get at his father. I ask him just get up at 10am on weekends, ask Dad what needs to be done around the yard and focus on doing it and completing it, and not taking so many breaks to get on his phone. But he pushes back, won't do it, and I know for a sense of control.

It's easy for a poster here to proclaim your DH is "douche" and you should leave him, disregarding the fact that it's just not that easy. I have a younger child who would be devastated by a divorce. So I'm doing what I can to diffuse situations, try to get to college time, and take it from there. I'll see if DH calms down when DS is away at school and if his attitude towards him changes. It's not a fun way to spend the remaining months with my son at home and boy do I wish I had had a crystal ball when I married DH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s ruining our marriage. 18 year old senior in high school. Definitely had challenges from the beginning. DH is old school and never really tried to understand him. He also was gone a ton with work travel, which didn’t help. My son has a lot of wonderful things about him but he’s not the go getter, disciplined person his father is. He’s made some poor choices, likes marijuana etc. however, he has good friends, he is going to a good college next fall. I just don’t know how to reconcile my husband’s feelings, which have sn undercurrent of blame toward me as in, he’d be a different person if I weren’t so empathic, weak, or whatever.

I'd tell your husband to get some GD perspective.

One of my closest friends has two boys. The oldest was always kind of anxious, but was a smart kid, good grades, did all the activities, etc. the anxiety snowballed into depression his junior year. They spent $100k out of pocket to bring him back from the brink of suicide and pulled him from one of the best private schools in the state and he finished high school elsewhere. He is thankfully doing well and in his freshmen year at a school that's definitely not the state flagship alma mater of his parents.

Their second son is physically disabled, in a wheelchair, and has autism. The hope is he will find some work he can do. Four year college is out of the question, and they will likely support him financially forever.

Your husband has it pretty good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't take the blame. Just love on your son harder. If your DH makes a comment, tell him you will not entertain it; end of discussion. I would probably also tell him (without anger) that his disappointment in your son is causing you to feel disappointment in him.

Love everything about this response.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't take the blame. Just love on your son harder. If your DH makes a comment, tell him you will not entertain it; end of discussion. I would probably also tell him (without anger) that his disappointment in your son is causing you to feel disappointment in him.

Love everything about this response.

I agree. My DH can be really hard on our kids. I’m not going to change him, and if I divorced him he’d continue to be really hard on the kids. And he has a lot of wonderful qualities.

I try really hard to make sure the kids know that they are awesome and we love them and there is nothing wrong with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think ppl are being a super mean to OP. Your kid's not perfect (most 18 yr olds aren't). He's going off to college. This could be a game changer. Your son might just grow up and and your DH might just relax once he's out of the house. I'd try to bring tensions down as much as possible and get that boy off to school. Then, re-group and see where your relationship with your DH is. Where I think you do need to assert yourself is in absorbing any toxic BS your DH sends your way. If he's venting about his disappointment and blaming you I'd come up with a 1-2 line response that you repeat every time that ends the discussion. Something like "I'm sorry you feel that way, perhaps you want to talk to a counselor about how we can improve our relationship with DS." Whatever he says in response, you repeat your line, rinse, repeat, don't otherwise engage and leave the room.

OP, I agree with this advice. I think there's two issues, your DH's attitude towards his son, and then his attitude towards you.

I'm in a somewhat similar situation. My husband, I have come to decide, has narcissistic tendencies. He was fine with the kids when they were young, but when DS reached the age where he was coming into being his own person, DH hasn't dealt well with that. He's seemingly only interested in his kids when he can shape them into what he thinks they should be. His laser focus right now is on our 18 year son and what he thinks he should major in at college, what his career should be, and what he should do with his time. Our DS is a "good" kid, we've had no disciplinary issues with him, 4.0 GPA, varsity sports, part-time job on top of all of that. But my DH only uses that to puff up his own chest when talking to friends and family. In the house it's how lazy DS is because he sleeps on weekends until noon, how he doesn't do enough yard work, DH goes nuts when DS has dented the 13-year old car we let him drive (isn't this why we let them drive old cars?), etc. And of course it's sometimes blamed on me for being too permissive. If I defend DS, I'm told I choose him over DH and that's not acceptable for our marriage to continue.

But DS isn't entirely blameless. I can see him doubling down on some behaviors and actions to get at his father. I ask him just get up at 10am on weekends, ask Dad what needs to be done around the yard and focus on doing it and completing it, and not taking so many breaks to get on his phone. But he pushes back, won't do it, and I know for a sense of control.

It's easy for a poster here to proclaim your DH is "douche" and you should leave him, disregarding the fact that it's just not that easy. I have a younger child who would be devastated by a divorce. So I'm doing what I can to diffuse situations, try to get to college time, and take it from there. I'll see if DH calms down when DS is away at school and if his attitude towards him changes. It's not a fun way to spend the remaining months with my son at home and boy do I wish I had had a crystal ball when I married DH.

I'm sorry PP. I'm the PP you quoted. My DH has some bad moments when he's anxious himself. Luckily, he's is not typically unreasonable. He did some therapy a few years back and one thing that helped is that the therapist did a lot of educating him about teenage brains, what expectations are reasonable, what types of decision-making one should expect from teens. I don't know if your DH would be open to therapy or even books on teens. But there are a lot of good books about teen development that really do inform parents' expectations and how parents respond when teens don't consistently meet their expectations (they are really part adult, part child, and it's hard to remember that their brains literally aren't fully formed yet).

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry OP that's a tough one. No advice, just commiserations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't take the blame. Just love on your son harder. If your DH makes a comment, tell him you will not entertain it; end of discussion. I would probably also tell him (without anger) that his disappointment in your son is causing you to feel disappointment in him.

Love everything about this response.

I wish we could get DH's side of the story. I think it is safe to say that you will end up divorced though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, if I were you, I would tell your husband that he is a disappointment to you in terms of the kind of father you want for your child, one that loves him unconditionally and loves him for him not for what he achieves or how much he is like his father.

What a disappointing father he is.

You won worst advice of the day. Congratulation

I disagree. This is exactly what I would tell my DH in this situation.

[Anonymous]

A lot kids are using drugs. More than you’d think.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why is it the Dad’s fault? Why cannot he feel bad about a child that is wildly different than him? It doesn’t mean he doesn’t love his child but why cannot he express to his wife that he is disappointed?

OP: were you a stay at home mom? I work full time and am single parenting the majority of the time. My husband works abroad. It has taken a toll on my kid but it grew up with a lot less than my kid and am pretty disappointed at the lack of drive and poor decision making. I blame myself that I didn’t do a better job instilling worth ethic when he was younger.

This is BS. If OP’s negligent husband couldn’t be bothered to participate in the parenting, he has no right to be disappointed in the outcome. Plus, if the kid has good friends and is off to a good college, that sounds like success in my book. Individual and family therapy, OP, or divorce. You and your son deserve better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your DH is definitely a douchebag. My DH is 57, and very engaged with our kids. We are *both* responsible for raising our children. We both created them; we both raise them.

Disagree. Your husband travels to provide for his family…that is his job. Your job as the non-primary provider is to raise the kids.
If you are unhappy get divorced. I hope your husband has an airtight prenup like I do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, if I were you, I would tell your husband that he is a disappointment to you in terms of the kind of father you want for your child, one that loves him unconditionally and loves him for him not for what he achieves or how much he is like his father.

What a disappointing father he is.

You won worst advice of the day. Congratulation

I disagree. This is exactly what I would tell my DH in this situation.

Good chance you would get b-slapped.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Most of the time our marriage is good. This is just an issue that rears it’s head occasionally, usually during stressful term situations, and it’s emotional and loaded to some degree. I was definitely not a perfect parent. And I do accept I had a lot of influence as the stay at home parent.

[Anonymous]

Teen situations *

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a similar kid but single mom. I’m dealing with my disappointment and trying to get to the other side a let go.

I am in the same boat, except my son is younger. I don’t blame his dad, I think it’s how the kid is wired.
I just hope he doesn’t know the full extent of my disappointment