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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I think ppl are being a super mean to OP.  Your kid's not perfect (most 18 yr olds aren't).  He's going off to college.  This could be a game changer.  Your son might just grow up and and your DH might just relax once he's out of the house.  I'd try to bring tensions down as much as possible and get that boy off to school.  Then, re-group and see where your relationship with your DH is.  Where I think you do need to assert yourself is in absorbing any toxic BS your DH sends your way.  If he's venting about his disappointment and blaming you I'd come up with a 1-2 line response that you repeat every time that ends the discussion.  Something like "I'm sorry you feel that way, perhaps you want to talk to a counselor about how we can improve our relationship with DS."  Whatever he says in response, you repeat your line, rinse, repeat, don't otherwise engage and leave the room.[/quote]

OP, I agree with this advice.  I think there's two issues, your DH's attitude towards his son, and then his attitude towards you.

I'm in a somewhat similar situation.  My husband, I have come to decide, has narcissistic tendencies.  He was fine with the kids when they were young, but when DS reached the age where he was coming into being his own person, DH hasn't dealt well with that.  He's seemingly only interested in his kids when he can shape them into what he thinks they should be.  His laser focus right now is on our 18 year son and what he thinks he should major in at college, what his career should be, and what he should do with his time.  Our DS is a "good" kid, we've had no disciplinary issues with him, 4.0 GPA, varsity sports, part-time job on top of all of that.  But my DH only uses that to puff up his own chest when talking to friends and family.  In the house it's how lazy DS is because he sleeps on weekends until noon, how he doesn't do enough yard work, DH goes nuts when DS has dented the 13-year old car we let him drive (isn't this why we let them drive old cars?), etc.  And of course it's sometimes blamed on me for being too permissive.  If I defend DS, I'm told I choose him over DH and that's not acceptable for our marriage to continue.

But DS isn't entirely blameless.  I can see him doubling down on some behaviors and actions to get at his father.  I ask him just get up at 10am on weekends, ask Dad what needs to be done around the yard and focus on doing it and completing it, and not taking so many breaks to get on his phone.  But he pushes back, won't do it, and I know for a sense of control.

It's easy for a poster here to proclaim your DH is  "douche" and you should leave him, disregarding the fact that it's just not that easy.  I have a younger child who would be devastated by a divorce.  So I'm doing what I can to diffuse situations, try to get to college time, and take it from there.  I'll see if DH calms down when DS is away at school and if his attitude towards him changes.  It's not a fun way to spend the remaining months with my son at home and boy do I wish I had had a crystal ball when I married DH.[/quote]

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