My kids hate each other

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Keep them separated and look at how you handle things. My sister and I were that way and patenting played a big part in it.

OP here. Would you please elaborate on how your parents contributed to the dynamic between you and your sister?

[Anonymous]

I'm someone who likes Siblings Without Rivalry. I like it because it gave practical advice about how to deal with issues that always come up with siblings.

Can one intrude on a playdate? Borrow a sweater?

It turns out my instincts for how to deal with this (trying to force kids to share, as an example) were wrong and when I tried some techniques, it helped.

My kids are closer in age and not perfect, but they don't fight and I think the book helped frame the parenting better.

But I also agree that dividing and conquering is both necessary and good for kids- everyone gets what they need plus one on one time.

Small and successful family time is easier to manage - all 4 go to ice cream, 30 minutes, everyone happy. Then you can improve on that success.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So what happens when your older daughter tells your younger to shut up? That’s not ok and should have repercussions. And the older daughter is not the parents. She’s not in a position to take away a toy as punishment.

The older daughter sounds like more of a problem than the younger one.

OP here. I do tend to think the older one is more of a problem, but I was trying to present both sides. When DD2 yells at DD1 to shut up, she is told that's unacceptable and she needs to go to her room. Maybe that's not strong enough. We have also told her many times that she is not DD2's parent and cannot discipline her or take her toys. Now I'm thinking part of the problem is that we are not coming down hard enough on DD1's behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:+1 to 15:48. Also, do they enough time away from each other? Both solo and with you as a parent?

OP here. They spend most of their time away from each other because DD1 tends to stay in her room. We also spend time with each of them separately, but it's hard to say if it's enough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So what happens when your older daughter tells your younger to shut up? That’s not ok and should have repercussions. And the older daughter is not the parents. She’s not in a position to take away a toy as punishment.

The older daughter sounds like more of a problem than the younger one.

This is how I'd deal with it. Older daughter isn't allowed to police the younger daughter. If she has an issue she can raise it nicely with an adult, but no yelling or meanness. She's not the parent and isn't queen. She doesn't get to decide what the younger one can or can't do. She doesn't get to decide what is annoying. That's not her call.

If older daughte asks for help nicely, I'd assist and redirect the younger one to be less annoying.

OP here. This is basically what we've been doing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So what happens when your older daughter tells your younger to shut up? That’s not ok and should have repercussions. And the older daughter is not the parents. She’s not in a position to take away a toy as punishment.

The older daughter sounds like more of a problem than the younger one.

the younger one seems annoying. I have a 8 year old, too, and she is not randomly singing and jumping all the time.

OP here. Maybe most 8-year-olds don't behave that way. Both my kids have ADHD and are fairly hyperactive. Honestly I am really good at tuning out kid noise (my own ADHD superpower) and I don't even notice the singing until DD1 starts yelling about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your older daughter is responding to younger daughter based off of what she has observed from you and DH, OP. Take a look at that and correct if needed. Their behavior towards each other is more about how you and DH treat them than it is about their relationship with each other.

OP here. Can you elaborate on how you think our behavior is contributing? We definitely do not treat them, or anyone, the way they treat each other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your older daughter is responding to younger daughter based off of what she has observed from you and DH, OP. Take a look at that and correct if needed. Their behavior towards each other is more about how you and DH treat them than it is about their relationship with each other.

This, kindness is taught and children reflect how their parents behaviors.

+1

I suspect OP and/or DH are short w/ both girls. They could be stressed, inattentive, etc. Honestly look at how you treat them and if there are deficiencies, try to work on improving. Also, do more (positive) things as a family where you all can bond.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No good advice - I have the same age gap, but mine are younger. Mine have adored each other since day 1. When did this issue start with your kids?

OP here. It started pretty much from the time DD2 became mobile.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your older daughter is going through puberty, I assume. That is going to make her hate most people in the family.

My sister and I are 3 years apart, and we FOR SURE had a rocky adolescence together. There were certainly times I thought she hated me (I was the younger one) and when I was sort of scared of her, but also desperately wanted her to TALK to me and want to be with me. She never really did, but as we got older, things got better.

I'd say the year she was a senior and I was a freshmen was a turning point. I knew she'd be leaving, and I was really sad about it. But we were also old enough to actually be friends a bit. She still didn't tell me much, but things shifted. Then I went to visit her at college a few times and that really helped cement a more mature bond between us.

I have never screamed "I hate you" at anyone in my life more than I screamed it at my sister during the time I was 9-13. So try not to get in the middle, encourage them to appreciate the good things about having a sibling, and ride it out.

+1 same age gap with my older sister and very similar experience. We had very few things in common as kids- she was introverted, artsy, a bit nerdy. I was outgoing, sporty, lots of friends so we just didn’t relate. By high school, she took me to parties and we went shopping together, etc. Have been good friends ever since we were 18 and 15. As adults with kids, we talk almost every day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is why it's so much better to have an only child. It's so selfish to have two kids who might not get along. How sad for those kids.








Just kidding. But now you know how parents of onlies feel when people hijack threads all the time to say dumb black and white stuff about family choices.

+1. Lol, yep.

[Anonymous]

Mine are like this too, but a little younger than yours and older DS/younger DD. What bothers me about it is DS can also lavish love and affection on DD, so she’s constantly on edge for what kind of reaction he may have. Also started around the time dd was mobile. DS also has ADHD and anxiety and that plays into it - frustration tolerance is zero, big meltdowns still occur that put everyone on edge. Sometimes I feel very alone about it - family times like movie night, dinner, etc are miserable Bc DD is “annoying” and DS is pouting about it or they’re fighting and running around. I wonder what it would be like to have peaceful, chill family times. Sometimes DD is legitimately provocative and loud and other times she’s just living her life. I will say the biggest difference I’ve seen is when I’m cool and detached and do not make a big deal out of things. We give consequences and stick to them. We try to stay neutral and validate each kids’ feelings. Other than that I just adhere to early bedtimes and hope it gets better in a few years.