My kids hate each other
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Anonymous
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I have 2 DDs, ages 12 and 8. They absolutely hate each other. Cannot be in the same room together without erupting. DD2 jumps around and sings and generally acts like an 8-year-old, and DD1 is not only thoroughly annoyed by any sound or movement from her sister, but also firmly believes that DD2 is purposely trying to annoy her. No amount of telling DD1 "she is not trying to annoy you, she is acting like a normal 8-year-old, you did the same things at her age, etc." seems to sink in. So DD1 yells at DD2 to shut up and/or tries to "discipline" DD2 by taking a toy away. For her part, DD2 freaks out whenever DD1 comes near her, accuses DD1 of things she didn't do, and refuses to stop doing the things that annoy DD1 (singing, jumping, etc.).
I'm sick of policing their relationship. I'm sick of all the yelling and drama. I'm sick of not being able to have a family dinner without someone losing their shit and being sent to their room (usually one of the kids  ).
My brother and I had the same age gap and I'm pretty sure we hated each other just as much, but we got over it when I was somewhere between 12 and 14 (I was the older sibling). So I'm hoping my kids will also get over it soon. In the meantime, I'm looking for success stories of siblings who went from mutual hatred to, at the very least, mutual tolerance. If you somehow made your kids get along with awesome parenting techniques, please share! I honestly don't know whether it's better to try and force family togetherness or just accept that my kids can't be around each other much right now. |
Anonymous
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Not for this specifically, but my best results for behavior issues have been immediate, mild consequences for which they can rack up several per day.
So maybe each time DD1 tries to "discipline" DD2 she loses 10 min of phone or screen time, or whatever else is appropriate. Likewise, if DD2 starts making noise in a room where DD1 was reading quietly, she gets one warning from DD1 to move to another room, and then you handle it with appropriate consequences for DD2. |
Anonymous
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I would not keep them apart. I mean, sometimes, yes, for everyone's sanity. But I think that's the path my parents took with my brother and I (also 4 years apart, also always kinda hated each other, never got along) - we just kinda stopped doing stuff all four of us. Which on one hand I understand - all the fighting must have made things really unpleasant for my parents. But that means that we never really figured out how to get along. We kinda low-key hated each other into adulthood. I mean, we stopped being openly nasty to each other by the time we were out of our teens, but that was about the high water mark.
Once my brother had a baby, things changed - we were... 27 and 31 at that point, and all of a sudden, we had this enormously awesome shared interest in this amazing baby, and we started enjoying each other's company, and now, 10 years later, we get along really well. Traveling together with our families next month, in fact. But I think we could have gotten there faster if we hadn't been able to exist so independently starting around the ages your kids are. |
Anonymous
| Separate them as much as possible, and tell them during family dinner they must have a cease fire and if they don't, they'll have to spend time cleaning the kitchen floor with toothbrushes. |
Anonymous
| Keep them separated and look at how you handle things. My sister and I were that way and patenting played a big part in it. |
Anonymous
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So what happens when your older daughter tells your younger to shut up? That’s not ok and should have repercussions. And the older daughter is not the parents. She’s not in a position to take away a toy as punishment.
The older daughter sounds like more of a problem than the younger one. |
Anonymous
| Have you read “Siblings Without Rivalry”? It’s the classic for dealing with this behavior. |
Anonymous
You’re disgusting. |
Anonymous
That’s an odd take. |
Anonymous
Yeah OP was very fair and described how they both contribute to the dynamic. Siblings Without Rivalry is the classic, as is finding a way to spend time together doing something as a whole family - gardening, hiking, whatever. Dinner will probably be the last place the dynamic calms down since everyone is tired and hungry then, so work on improving the relationship at other times. |
Anonymous
DP here. I read it several times and it didn't help us at all. Not sure why everyone on this board suggests it - maybe they just like the sound of the title? Anyway, OP. I was in a similar boat (my girls are 3 years apart) and sadly I think the only thing that really helped was time and them both maturing some. They are now 14 and 11 and its been much better for a year or two. My two sound very similar in temperment to yours. I know you hate policing, but meanness was a trigger for me. They could not be mean. You can be annoyed/frustrated but you can't be hurtful. Decide what things you will police and what things you will let go. DO NOT completely give up on them, but also don't yell at them constantly. Yes it sucks, but this too shall (hopefully) pass. |
Anonymous
| My stepdaughters are a year apart. Not the same dynamic but they have hated each other for as long as I have known them, which is when they were nine and eight. Fast forward and they are 22 and 21 now, and they still really struggle with getting along. Part of it is personality driven. The older one can be kind of high maintenance. The younger one can be a bit short tempered. The combination can be explosive. I hope they will be closer, but I wish their parents have done some therapy for them. |
Anonymous
| +1 to 15:48. Also, do they enough time away from each other? Both solo and with you as a parent? |
Anonymous
| We just endured the fights. Really found no solution. They adore each other now as young adults. |
Anonymous
This is how I'd deal with it. Older daughter isn't allowed to police the younger daughter. If she has an issue she can raise it nicely with an adult, but no yelling or meanness. She's not the parent and isn't queen. She doesn't get to decide what the younger one can or can't do. She doesn't get to decide what is annoying. That's not her call. If older daughte asks for help nicely, I'd assist and redirect the younger one to be less annoying. |