Four year old won't eat meals- so exhausted with the struggle

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She sounds like my ADHD child when they were 4.

OP where are you getting your expectations as to how much your DD should eat at each meal? Your own ideas? Is your pediatrician pressuring you to get your DD to eat more?

If you want to break the cycle, decide whether you need to be imposing your ideas about how much your DD should be eating. A pediatric gastroenterologist can check your DD and give advice. Hint: they won't be in favor of threats, cajoling or bribery.

OP here- it's not that I have some set idea of how much she needs to eat- it's more that I think she needs to eat SOMETHING. 3 bites of any food for dinner seems kind of like a minimum for staving off hunger until the next day.

For the record, I am also not in favor of threats, cajoling or bribery. But here we are.

NP. OP, you are projecting your needs on to her. My (overweight) DH did this to my (normal weight) son, and it was so unpleasant. Begging him to take a bite, obsessing over what was left in his lunch box, when the kid clearly got enough calories from eating the way he ate. DH just couldn't get past on how uncomfortable he would feel eating that small amount. Plus, honestly 3 bites is not going to make much difference in whether or not someone is hungry before the next day.

As someone else said, stop coaxing her to eat when she is not hungry. Let her listen to her body. Maybe the time you are offering meals are not right for her body, and the attention she gets from you about not eating is more rewarding than eating. Just relax. Offer food and just enjoy being together. If a sweet treat is going to be offered, offer it regardless of what else she eats, because otherwise you are teaching her that the other food is bad and the good food is the sweet she gets as a reward for eating the other food.

If she is hungry later, offer a snack. Do this for a couple weeks and see what time she is actually interested in eating. Think about if adjusting your meal schedule is doable. If not, I personally would continue to offer snack on request. I think learning to understand body cues for hunger and fullness are incredibly valuable.

+1

My DH is not overweight but he's a voracious eater and he often gets annoyed or upset about how much DD eats (or doesn't) because he struggles to make the adjustment from how he eats to what is "normal" for a preschooler. He will also often give her enormous servings of things, like the same serving he will eat, and be surprised or annoyed if she picks at it. I've explained that it makes more sense to give her a very small serving and then, if she likes it, she will ask for more. I think she gets overwhelmed by a huge plate of food and this actually makes her eat less.

He also just doesn't get child size servings. Like I explained to him that a serving is usually about the size of your fist, and obviously our 4 yr old has a very small fist. So a serving of broccoli for her might be two pieces of broccoli. And she might only eat one and that's fine! Or she might eat none but eat half her sweet potatoes and that's fine too. But he gets fixated on what he thinks a serving is and then measures her eating according to that and it's just such an enormous amount of food. Her stomach isn't even large enough at this age to consume that much food, not even if it was pancakes (her favorite).

Also, as another parent of a 4 yr old who doesn't eat a lot, we allow snacks and demand from 3pm to 5pm, as long as they are healthy snacks. Like you OP, she is very good with breakfast. But I think she doesn't eat amazing at school. Even when she likes the food -- I think she's just distracted by the socializing and doesn't always focus on eating the way we would at home. So sometimes she'll have multiple snacks after school, but I don't stress about it. I insist that her snack are fruit or vegetable heavy (she's not getting a bunch of crackers or chips or something) and that prevents her from being too full for dinner, plus means that if she doesn't eat the veggies we serve with dinner I don't stress.

She's 4. As long as you are offering healthy foods and modeling healthy eating, she has plenty of time to figure this out. She will eat when she's hungry!

[Anonymous]

I understand, OP. My kids eat pretty well during the day, but dinner is always a crapshoot. They are hungry at 4:00pm (after school), but can take up to two hours to touch any food we prepare. They nibble a little and mostly ignore the food.

Then, almost invariably, at 8:00pm, after teeth are brushed and we're getting ready for bed, they demand a full 8-course meal (and will eat it).

I have no idea what to do. Watching this thread closely for ideas.

[Anonymous]

Set a timer. Say nothing and throw away food when timer goes off. If she never takes 1 bite for the next 10 years oh well.

[Anonymous]

My son is very similar. He eats one big meal- normally breakfast and then flits the rest of the day. We make crazy breakfasts as a result and if he doesnt eat a good breakfast he will eat a big dinner.

Id work on breakfast since that is when she is naturally hungry- super nutrient dense.

Think full fat smoothies with chia, fruit, veg, hemp seeds/avocado/nut butters, etc.

Then let the rest of the cards lay where they lay. Provide 10-15 minutes to eat for lunch and dinner. Make sure everyone is seated, no electronics/no tv. Ask reflective questions that keep them occupied. Larlo, what centers did you play with today (our preschool calls them centers). Oh you played with the kitchen. Who did you play with and what did you make? They answer and then ask wow that sounds X. blah blah what color shirt was Karla wearing today?

We also do a 'what was your favorite part of the day" question and we go around the table so he gets to ask one of us that question.

And I didnt see it mentioned in previous posts but make sure there is always something on her plate that you know she likes/will eat. Even if its just bluberries.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I understand, OP. My kids eat pretty well during the day, but dinner is always a crapshoot. They are hungry at 4:00pm (after school), but can take up to two hours to touch any food we prepare. They nibble a little and mostly ignore the food.

Then, almost invariably, at 8:00pm, after teeth are brushed and we're getting ready for bed, they demand a full 8-course meal (and will eat it).

I have no idea what to do. Watching this thread closely for ideas.

Do you give them the dinner you prepared as the 8 course meal? Or something else? Why don’t you just serve it at 7:30 and then do bedtime routine?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Set a timer. Say nothing and throw away food when timer goes off. If she never takes 1 bite for the next 10 years oh well.

I wouldn't necessarily throw away the food in case she's hungry later, but when our kids were little, we had a rule about how long you had to stay at the table because dinnertime was about spending time together. Often kids would end up eating, if only because it was there, but they understood the drill: 10 minutes sitting properly in a chair, ask to be excused, put your own dishes in the dishwasher.

One of my kids was eager for breakfast and not much interested in other meals, so I made sure breakfast was hearty.

[Anonymous]

Maybe try healthy small meal-like snacks instead of full dinners? Id skip desserts entirely for a couple of months just to make sure she is getting the proper nutrients and not filling up on those.

[Anonymous]

Work on your dinner timing - notice when she is hungriest and set your meal around that time frame. And get her some exercise before hand. In winter I used to let my aDHD son swing in the basement and jump on a trampoline for a good while before sitting down to supper.

[Anonymous]

She's eating just fine. Maybe you are giving too much food.

[Anonymous]

If it ain't broke..... If she was very underweight, I might suggest something else but she's not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hate the Ellyn Satter advice. My 5 year old kid is the same, OP. She will ignore her body and her hunger and thirst as long as she can go. Then she will have multiple tantrums over it and still we have to suggest to her that it’s because she’s hungry and she will scream, I’m not hungry. Hysterics ensue. When we can get food into her, get her to use the bathroom, and then drink water she turns into a different kid. We talk when she’s calm about why that happened and remind her to pay attention to her body. Yet it happens with regularity. So we regularly bother and bribe her to eat to avoid an hour of hysteria that will follow if we don’t and prevent us from literally getting to school and to bed and anywhere else we ever need to go. I feel like a hostage with this behavior but we have routines we have to follow.

I think I posted this before in a similar thread but I also have a kid who will melt down when hangry. We allow fruit and vegetables any time and if the kid is truly hungry they will eat a piece of fruit and that is often enough to head off the tantrum. We also allow a glass of milk before bed if they are hungry. I think the problem is when snacks are junk food like white crackers so obviously kids want to fill up on that instead of their meals.

[Anonymous]

Has the pediatrician said there is a problem? If not, just literally say nothing. I would have one convo resetting, especially from last night. “Sometimes I have gotten frustrated with you at dinner. I’m going to make a healthy meal and you can eat what you need while we are having dinner.” The end.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hate the Ellyn Satter advice. My 5 year old kid is the same, OP. She will ignore her body and her hunger and thirst as long as she can go. Then she will have multiple tantrums over it and still we have to suggest to her that it’s because she’s hungry and she will scream, I’m not hungry. Hysterics ensue. When we can get food into her, get her to use the bathroom, and then drink water she turns into a different kid. We talk when she’s calm about why that happened and remind her to pay attention to her body. Yet it happens with regularity. So we regularly bother and bribe her to eat to avoid an hour of hysteria that will follow if we don’t and prevent us from literally getting to school and to bed and anywhere else we ever need to go. I feel like a hostage with this behavior but we have routines we have to follow.

I think I posted this before in a similar thread but I also have a kid who will melt down when hangry. We allow fruit and vegetables any time and if the kid is truly hungry they will eat a piece of fruit and that is often enough to head off the tantrum. We also allow a glass of milk before bed if they are hungry. I think the problem is when snacks are junk food like white crackers so obviously kids want to fill up on that instead of their meals.

The choice of snack thing is key. Our issue is that we tried the thing where she could always have fruit, but then she very suddenly started rejecting all fruit. It was tough.

So we still allow snacks but we’ve had t expand our ideas and it’s hard because so many snacks are cracker based. We do: apple sauce (this has escaped the fruit ban somehow), peanut butter on something (sometimes I can sneak fruit into this situation), popcorn, a small amount of goldfish, string cheese.

It’s not great because the popcorn doesn’t fill her up and contributes to mindless snacking. But at least then she’ll be hungry for dinner. Whereas peanut butter does calm the hangries but can also diminish appetite for dinner.

This kid really keeps me on my toes. Every time I think I’ve figured something out, she weaves left. Recently she told us she doesn’t like pizza anymore. Pizza! Thank gif she’ll still eat Mexican food. It’s the only thing keeping family dinners alive. And pasta, though she will only do a butter cream sauce right now. Sigh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I understand, OP. My kids eat pretty well during the day, but dinner is always a crapshoot. They are hungry at 4:00pm (after school), but can take up to two hours to touch any food we prepare. They nibble a little and mostly ignore the food.

Then, almost invariably, at 8:00pm, after teeth are brushed and we're getting ready for bed, they demand a full 8-course meal (and will eat it).

I have no idea what to do. Watching this thread closely for ideas.

Do you give them the dinner you prepared as the 8 course meal? Or something else? Why don’t you just serve it at 7:30 and then do bedtime routine?

Give an easy meal when they get home - sandwich, something you can reheat and then a snack/meal at 7:30. They are tired at that time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hate the Ellyn Satter advice. My 5 year old kid is the same, OP. She will ignore her body and her hunger and thirst as long as she can go. Then she will have multiple tantrums over it and still we have to suggest to her that it’s because she’s hungry and she will scream, I’m not hungry. Hysterics ensue. When we can get food into her, get her to use the bathroom, and then drink water she turns into a different kid. We talk when she’s calm about why that happened and remind her to pay attention to her body. Yet it happens with regularity. So we regularly bother and bribe her to eat to avoid an hour of hysteria that will follow if we don’t and prevent us from literally getting to school and to bed and anywhere else we ever need to go. I feel like a hostage with this behavior but we have routines we have to follow.

I think I posted this before in a similar thread but I also have a kid who will melt down when hangry. We allow fruit and vegetables any time and if the kid is truly hungry they will eat a piece of fruit and that is often enough to head off the tantrum. We also allow a glass of milk before bed if they are hungry. I think the problem is when snacks are junk food like white crackers so obviously kids want to fill up on that instead of their meals.

The choice of snack thing is key. Our issue is that we tried the thing where she could always have fruit, but then she very suddenly started rejecting all fruit. It was tough.

So we still allow snacks but we’ve had t expand our ideas and it’s hard because so many snacks are cracker based. We do: apple sauce (this has escaped the fruit ban somehow), peanut butter on something (sometimes I can sneak fruit into this situation), popcorn, a small amount of goldfish, string cheese.

It’s not great because the popcorn doesn’t fill her up and contributes to mindless snacking. But at least then she’ll be hungry for dinner. Whereas peanut butter does calm the hangries but can also diminish appetite for dinner.

This kid really keeps me on my toes. Every time I think I’ve figured something out, she weaves left. Recently she told us she doesn’t like pizza anymore. Pizza! Thank gif she’ll still eat Mexican food. It’s the only thing keeping family dinners alive. And pasta, though she will only do a butter cream sauce right now. Sigh.

Stop with the snacks and just give four meals a day. I like her style if she'll only have a cream sauce.