Infuriating!

[Anonymous]

Last night DH posted a FB update about our date night. It was our first night out since we had our ninth loss. (Total nightmare situation there. I almost died.) Anyway, my BIL's girlfriend commented on the post about how lucky we were since they haven't had a night out alone since their baby was born last July. This is just the latest in a long history of emotionally tone deaf comments from this gal, though it's definitely the worst. Honestly lady, you want ME to feel sorry for YOU??? I just deleted the post but should I say something?

[Anonymous]

Yet another example why we all need to just get off Facebook.

Do you see this woman on a regular basis? Do you care at all about her, or is she just your brother's stupid baby-mama?

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm sorry for your losses. Protect yourself by staying off Facebook.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yet another example why we all need to just get off Facebook.

Do you see this woman on a regular basis? Do you care at all about her, or is she just your brother's stupid baby-mama?

We don't see her. I've never actually met her in person. She friended me on FB though and comments frequently on my posts. I've actually sometimes wondered if she's a little... envious might not be the right word... but she always says how she wishes she could have whatever nice things we might post about.

Unfortunately, unfriending her is not really an option. FB is how DH's family communicates since we are all in different states and they don't see each other in person very often. It's just expected that you friend family members, even if you don't know them very well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yet another example why we all need to just get off Facebook.

Do you see this woman on a regular basis? Do you care at all about her, or is she just your brother's stupid baby-mama?

We don't see her. I've never actually met her in person. She friended me on FB though and comments frequently on my posts. I've actually sometimes wondered if she's a little... envious might not be the right word... but she always says how she wishes she could have whatever nice things we might post about.

Unfortunately, unfriending her is not really an option. FB is how DH's family communicates since we are all in different states and they don't see each other in person very often. It's just expected that you friend family members, even if you don't know them very well.

Presumably your DH wouldn't be dumb enough to share private details about your infertility struggle since that would be really inappropriate and disrespectful of your family privacy. And since you don't really know this woman all that well, I would also expect that she doesn't know the details since, well, how can she really be emotionally deaf>

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm so sorry for all your losses. Does she know what you guys are going through? I try not to fault people if they don't know. But if she does known, then shame on her.

I would say something off line to her just so she knows and can at least be on notice that her comments are hurtful. I love my sister but sometimes she says really boneheaded things and I have to say something like "Hey! That's kind of hurtful for someone who is having a really hard time getting pregnant."

I too hate FB and avoid the prolific baby posters or block them from my feed. I hope you are doing ok.

[Anonymous]

Yes, get off of Facebook. It's a terrible place when dealing with infertility. I'm so sorry for your loss.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yet another example why we all need to just get off Facebook.

Do you see this woman on a regular basis? Do you care at all about her, or is she just your brother's stupid baby-mama?

We don't see her. I've never actually met her in person. She friended me on FB though and comments frequently on my posts. I've actually sometimes wondered if she's a little... envious might not be the right word... but she always says how she wishes she could have whatever nice things we might post about.

Unfortunately, unfriending her is not really an option. FB is how DH's family communicates since we are all in different states and they don't see each other in person very often. It's just expected that you friend family members, even if you don't know them very well.

Presumably your DH wouldn't be dumb enough to share private details about your infertility struggle since that would be really inappropriate and disrespectful of your family privacy. And since you don't really know this woman all that well, I would also expect that she doesn't know the details since, well, how can she really be emotionally deaf>

OP here. She knows. The whole family knows.

[Anonymous]

OP again. Thanks everyone for your kind words. This last loss was really traumatic, especially since the doctor said we can't ever get pg again because it will kill me. So, now we have to find a way to come to terms with the finality of that.

And yes, I know for certain that this woman knows. DH told her and his brother during their pregnancy because of some things that were done and said at that time. Plus, everyone in the family knows what we have gone through. It's a big ethnic family and that's just how things work. For the most part, it's actually been good that people know because then they don't say hurtful things. At least, not usually! It's just this one gal.

If I did say something to her, what do I say? Do I just come out and tell her she's being tone deaf?

[Anonymous]

Some people just don't get it. They even think things like what she said are somehow supposed to make you feel better.

Disengage from Facebook. It was the best thing I ever did. Delete it off your phone and change your password to something really hard to remember.

I am sorry for what you're going through.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yet another example why we all need to just get off Facebook.

Do you see this woman on a regular basis? Do you care at all about her, or is she just your brother's stupid baby-mama?

We don't see her. I've never actually met her in person. She friended me on FB though and comments frequently on my posts. I've actually sometimes wondered if she's a little... envious might not be the right word... but she always says how she wishes she could have whatever nice things we might post about.

Unfortunately, unfriending her is not really an option. FB is how DH's family communicates since we are all in different states and they don't see each other in person very often. It's just expected that you friend family members, even if you don't know them very well.

Presumably your DH wouldn't be dumb enough to share private details about your infertility struggle since that would be really inappropriate and disrespectful of your family privacy. And since you don't really know this woman all that well, I would also expect that she doesn't know the details since, well, how can she really be emotionally deaf>

OP here. She knows. The whole family knows.

She's not family, right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

OP here. She knows. The whole family knows.

She's not family, right?

OP here. I understand what you are getting at, but that's just not a direction to go in this case. There are cultural issues at play. This woman is the mother of my nephew, which makes her family in the eyes of DH and his family. I'm ok with this.

[Anonymous]

8:38 here. I'm sorry that your BIL's gf is being so terrible.

I would try saying something along the lines of: I just wanted to let you know that we've been having a really tough time lately and some of your comments have been really hurtful. You may not realize how they come across, but you should know that a night out for us is not "lucky." Such a comment just reminds us of all the losses we have suffered. We are happy you and BIL have a healthy baby and we wish we could be as blessed as you to have that too. Please understand that no one wants to suffer with infertility and there is nothing lucky or wonderful about it. I would just ask that you please think and be sensitive about that before you make a comment about how "lucky" we are.

Sorry if that was a bit much. A bit of venting on my part from the last few months. Glad to hear most people have been supportive for you. That is so important, especially when dealing with jerks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:8:38 here. I'm sorry that your BIL's gf is being so terrible.

I would try saying something along the lines of: I just wanted to let you know that we've been having a really tough time lately and some of your comments have been really hurtful. You may not realize how they come across, but you should know that a night out for us is not "lucky." Such a comment just reminds us of all the losses we have suffered. We are happy you and BIL have a healthy baby and we wish we could be as blessed as you to have that too. Please understand that no one wants to suffer with infertility and there is nothing lucky or wonderful about it. I would just ask that you please think and be sensitive about that before you make a comment about how "lucky" we are.

Sorry if that was a bit much. A bit of venting on my part from the last few months. Glad to hear most people have been supportive for you. That is so important, especially when dealing with jerks.

Thanks 8:38. OP here. That's a great approach. Going to give myself a few days to calm down and then send her a pm along the lines that you have outlined. Much better than calling her a tone deaf idiot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:8:38 here. I'm sorry that your BIL's gf is being so terrible.

I would try saying something along the lines of: I just wanted to let you know that we've been having a really tough time lately and some of your comments have been really hurtful. You may not realize how they come across, but you should know that a night out for us is not "lucky." Such a comment just reminds us of all the losses we have suffered. We are happy you and BIL have a healthy baby and we wish we could be as blessed as you to have that too. Please understand that no one wants to suffer with infertility and there is nothing lucky or wonderful about it. I would just ask that you please think and be sensitive about that before you make a comment about how "lucky" we are.

Sorry if that was a bit much. A bit of venting on my part from the last few months. Glad to hear most people have been supportive for you. That is so important, especially when dealing with jerks.

Thanks 8:38. OP here. That's a great approach. Going to give myself a few days to calm down and then send her a pm along the lines that you have outlined. Much better than calling her a tone deaf idiot.

PS - It sounds like you've been dealing with something similar. Just want you to know you have my sympathies.