Guilty FRiday Feelings

[Anonymous]

My husband and I both work out of the house and our 2year old attends daycare for 10 hrs a day 5 days a week. We stagger our schedules for pickup and drop off but this is still the least amount of time we could work out for him to be in daycare. We are extremely happy with our center and our son seems to be doing really well there. We both like our jobs so the timing is not likely to change any time soon.

So what's the problem? Every so often, today for example, I feel crazy guilty about putting my child in daycare 50hrs a week. I feel like perhaps there are times throughout the day where he just wants to be home relaxing or where he misses us. I feel like he's there longer than a lot of other kids. I feel like I'm less of a mother for having him there for so long.

He's given me no indication that he's unhappy so I don't know why I let myself feel this way. I'm not really looking for advice on how to change the situation,but maybe some insight on how to change my perspective. Thanks.

[Anonymous]

You are not less of a mother. Your kid is fine at daycare. Seriously. At two he is making friendships and his brain is growing by leaps and bounds. He is into all of that stimulation.

I have three kids. Two are in daycare and the baby is at home. My toddlers love going to school. They love being home with us but I discovered that if they are home for several days in a row (usually more than 4) they get sort of bored of mom and dad and we cannot keep up. We try VERY hard to make sure our weekends are all about our kids. We go to museums, parks, parties, playdates, etc. We play puzzles, read books, and run errands. We keep them super busy with non-stop adventures.

If I was a SAHM I know that I would not have that in me. So that is why daycare works. Commit to putting the time you are with your child to being great. Summer is coming take some days off and goto some amusement parks or the beach.

[Anonymous]

I'm in a similar situation. My 11 month old is happy to see me at pick up, but just started crawling away from me to continue playing and then screeching when I scoop him up. So that makes me feel better about daycare, and worse about me as a mom, LOL. At least I've seen the older kids at daycare pitch fits when they have to leave, so I know it's not about me.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like doing what is best for your family is a priority for you. When your mind questions some of your choices or you wonder how things might be different, it is worth taking some honest time to review where you are. Family life is a fast changing environment as the kids develop and their interests and activities change.

For instance, we homeschool and have one income, but I'm having my hours cut by more than half. So. We might decide this weekend whether my wife or I or both are going to be looking for a new job.

I'm sure you are not in your perfect situation - none of us are. But be honest. Only you and your spouse can know what you think is best for you right now.

[Anonymous]

I know a couple with 2 kids. The parents work similar hours to yours and travel frequently for work. Yet on the weekends they dump the kids in gym daycare so that they can work out together for a couple of hours, and they also are frequently training for marathons, triathlons and long bike races on top of that- hours more away from the kids per week. Add in weekend evening babysitters so the parents can go out and kid-free vacations and you've got the picture. The younger kid (a preschooler) has behavioral issues and has been under the care of a psychologist.

OP, I get your guilt but I think you are doing well as a parent if you focus on your child outside of work. Some people choose otherwise and suffer no guilt for doing so.

[Anonymous]

If your kid is happy and healthy and doing well, why feel guilty? He may miss you sometimes, but he's also having fun, socializing, and learning new skills. I sometimes feel a little guilt, but I remind myself that my job is to raise a healthy kid who can make her way in the world--I think that being able to work and earn money to pay for health care, education, and travel to see family is part of that. And I really enjoy our time together in the mornings, evenings, and weekends.

Your son will let you know if he is unhappy. If he's not, be grateful that you found more caring people to be a part of his life and help him grow.

[Anonymous]

I get your angst OP. My 4yo cried half the way to daycare today and yesterday... but when he gets there, he runs in with a giant smile on his face and hugs his teachers. We do manage to keep his hours pretty short, but honestly I'm never sure it's worthwhile tradeoff for any of us. We are more stressed trying to keep up with work while at home, and the kids wind up fighting over toys and watching too much TV. At least at daycare they are doing fun stuff and presumably learning a bit too.

[Anonymous]

I feel your pain OP. Am in the same situation--I always feel like my husband and I are rushing to and from work, trying to finish up our work as soon as possible to pick up DC but even so it ends up being a 9-10 hour day for DC in daycare.

The one thing that I've started to do that has made me happier about the situation is that when DC has a doctor's appointment I usually block the whole day off and make it a fun outing instead of taking DC back to daycare. I also try to take a vacation or comp day every other month to hang out with DC on a weekday.

[Anonymous]

I used to SAH but now work part time and my DS is school full time. When I was home with him I always seemed busy, I had laundry, groceries and other work to do. Now I enjoy the few hours a day I have with him fully.

I think the saying is its better to give 100% 80% of the time then give 80% 100% of the time.

[Anonymous]

OP can you afford a nanny?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I used to SAH but now work part time and my DS is school full time. When I was home with him I always seemed busy, I had laundry, groceries and other work to do. Now I enjoy the few hours a day I have with him fully.

I think the saying is its better to give 100% 80% of the time then give 80% 100% of the time.

Except it's not 80% of the time. If the kids are awake 12 hours a day, that's 84 hours a week. If they are in daycare 10 hours, 5 days a week, 34 hours a week of family time, hardly the 80% you quote.

Listen OP, I have o doubt you are a wonderful mom who adores your kids. This is not aimed at you. But I am so over the moms who assume that those of us who SAH are lazy and don't give 100

[Anonymous]

21:40 here- I hit submit before I could check my typos.
Point being, we all try to do our best as moms, and it's not fair to assume that because some of us are with our kids all day, we don't cherish and take advantage of every moment as well

[Anonymous]

While perhaps not directly answering your question, I will share my experience with with a nanny. I worked at home and had a full time nanny for five years. It was a good situation, where I got to have snacks and snuggle time, unless it wasn't, when I was trying to block out the sounds of screaming toddlers downstairs while on teleconferences and felt completely distracted by what was going on two rooms away. On top of that, my husband and I argued that I would have to do every doctors visit/school program/grocery run, simply because I was at home. All of this, and I still felt the pressure to focus on my kids intensely between the hours of 5 and 8, taking very little time for myself even on the weekends because of the guilt of not spending more time with them.

It was stressful. I burned out. I couldn't be everything to everyone, and I ended up leaving my job. I'm a SAH now, and I can say that I am not giving nearly the intense attention to them that I did, I would say our "quality time" may even be less than when I worked (thus, me typing away madly on my iPad as they try to get my attention.) That stated, we're all happier than we were, I think they're better-adjusted and I'm certainly less stressed, but I walked away from a lucrative career at a point when it may be difficult for me to recreate the situation I had.

If you're happy, he's happy, and it allows you're do what you want, you should embrace the situation. I think human nature is to "grass is greener" everything, but if it works for you, that's all that matters.

[Anonymous]

I have often felt guilty about my DD being in daycare, especially the mornings that my husband tells me she was clingy or crying when he dropped her off. However when I rush out of work to get her early, she doesn't want to leave and we end up staying and playing for 20 minutes. I usually have to carry her out just so we can leave. So unless I feel the need to be with her and need the snuggles, I get my work done so it isn't hanging over my head and I can focus on her when i pick her up. Or I run an errand or two that is easier to do without her in tow.
Unless your daycare is telling you your child is unhappy or constantly asking for you (depending on the age), get your work done so you can focus on family when you are together. As my husband reminds me, we do pay for it, and the kids are little, they won't remember how long the spent in daycare when they are older. My goal is to work full time now, and hopefully switch to part time or SAHM when they are school age. Those are the years they remember before and after care, I know I still do

[Anonymous]

I couldn't do it. 30 hours has been my max since my boys were small. Luckily, I have a flexible Fd job with every combo of work option available, including WAH.

Around 1 is when it gets rough. Infants only know warm caregiver whereas older toddlers have a lot of stress being in a group environment for that many hours per day. The are many studies where 30 hours seems to be the magic cut-off behaviorist, psychologists and early childhood behaviorist agree upon. I am as liberal as they come and strong advocate for working women, but if anyone has t he option to reduce 50 hours by 10-15/ week --do it.