I don't like my co-workers and it's making me not like my job

[Anonymous]

I have a really good job. I like the work, I have a nice office, and it's in my field. However, I don't like my co-workers and this has caused me to start dreading going to work.

Mainly the issue is that I feel like the office outsider. I was the most recent to be hired, and I've been there almost 2 years now. However, I don't feel that I fit in with the office and as much as I used to try to make small talk and get to know people, there was always the sense that I was an outsider. For the first year I would make the effort to eat lunch in the lunch area with everyone else, chat with people briefly if I saw them at the copy machine, etc. But I noticed that while I was showing interest in others and asking about others' weekends, hobbies, etc., no one ever showed any interest in me or asked me about my weekend. People would stop by each other's offices to chat, but no one ever stopped by my office to chat, even though I would stop by theirs. It made me feel incredibly overlooked. So after the first year I stopped making any effort--just did my job with my office door shut most of the day, and ate lunch in my office half the time. However, I dread going to work because I just feel so overlooked at work and so much like an outsider, I have been feeling like this for a year and a half.

Our office doesn't get together for happy hours or holiday parties or anything like that--as far as I know, people just go home to their families after work. It's not the office culture I was hoping for, as I am new to the area and have no family here and just a few acquaintances that I have made through social groups and meetup.

I have started looking for a new job, but am not sure if feeling overlooked and like an outsider should be enough to consider quitting.

[Anonymous]

First, I'm sorry you are unhappy at your job. Certainly, relationships with co-workers matter. There's nothing wrong with "shopping around" for a better fit, if you have the opportunity. But to do that, you need to figure out whether you have unrealistic expectations, or whether you and your current co-workers really don't get along.

For example, it's normal for folks with families to not be able to hang out together after work, to want to just get as much done during the day as possible so they can leave on time, etc. A new job is unlikely to change that: even if you find someplace where everyone is single and wants to hang out, that will change over time. It's not personal to you and if that was your only complaint I would suggest you just join some other social groups and not expect to make real friends at work. Ditto the fact that people don't ask about you: people like to talk about themselves and it's common to forget to ask after co-workers, particularly if you already don't have a lot in common (e.g., they can't ask about your kids etc.).

If they truly do behave differently with you than with each other, especially after two years, then that is ill-mannered at the least. What is their reaction when you join them for lunch or start a conversation -- do you guys have anything to talk about? Possibly you just have hugely different interests, or possibly they are jerks. But shutting your office door isn't helping, and if you've been doing it for a while you may be putting off a hostile vibe by now. I would suggest you continue to make yourself available and friendly in a non-pushy way: say Hi in the hallway every time, join them for lunch sometimes, maybe try to organize a low-key social thing in the name of office morale (will your boss sanction an extra hour for lunch so you can all go out to a restaurant one day?). Don't drop by offices just yet, or start long personal conversations: just be friendly and approachable and see where that gets you. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

This is me to a t. After 2 years loving my job it became clear people were making quiet lunch plans so I wouldn't hear them, and there would be many cubicle chats but not in my cubicle. I'm a decade or two older than most of them.

But here's the thing: if you just wait for them to visit, nothing will change. I don't have the energy to even care that I'm out of the loop but I know what I'd do if I did care: I'd try to know things about them that you can stop by their cubicle and mention or ask about. Don't worry about becoming a pest - you will be talking about their issues and they'll be pleased.

That said, I'm thinking of quitting my job, too because I don't want to make the effort in an office setting where I don't get to choose who I spend my time with. There is a tedium there that I need to escape so I will go back to consulting on my own even though it is a more difficult existence.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks for your thoughts. I think the main problem is having very little in common with my co-workers, except that we're all around the same age, and most of us are married. At lunch they all tend to talk about two topics: sports and TV shows. 2/3 of my office is women, but they're all sports nuts. I have absolutely no interest in either of those topics nor know anything about either (I don't have time to watch TV), and so I really have nothing to contribute. I am not sure how to get around this whole sports/TV shows thing, since that is 90% of their conversations.

[Anonymous]

OP, I also don't follow sports and I have time for just a few TV shows (none of which are those my co-workers watch). Here's what I do:

- Learn to ask interested questions that don't require knowledge, like "If I was going to pick just one of these shows to watch, which would you recommend?" Bonus if you follow up and actually watch half an episode from time to time.

- Avoid saying things like "I don't have time for TV" -- people get sensitive if it sounds like you are judging their TV time, even if that's not what you meant. Stick with more neutral statements like "I haven't seen that" or "I just never got into that show, tell me more about it." It's fine to broaden the conversation by saying "Oh, I never get to see Sunday night TV because I do [activity] instead" so long as it doesn't criticize or shut down the TV conversation they all apparently enjoy.

- Keep some current media awareness, whether by reading TV/movie reviews or clicking on that news story about whatever controversial thing is on TV or whatever. For example, I'm up on the reality shows because I watch "The Soup" once every few weeks, and I don't get HBO but sometimes I read an article about HBO's "Girls" or similar show that is making news. I haven't seen the movies that won Oscars, but I read the WaPo article about the awards. There is value in being culturally in touch, even beyond talking to your co-workers.

- Pick a team (maybe your college team) and check the news headlines on it from time to time just to get a sense of how it's going. I went to a school well known for its sports so people always ask me about the game: I like to be able to say something like, "nah, I stopped watching this season because Team's performance was so depressing." I don't follow it any closer than that. If they ask me about pro sports I can say that I mostly follow my college, and then deflect by asking what is happening with their pro sport of interest.

I'm a little less positive about cubicle stop-bys than is PP -- personally, I like them to be limited, or at least have a work-related point in addition to the pleasantries -- but the above should break the ice at lunch.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry you have to go to work and feel this way. Could you arrange an office happy hour? What kind of sports do they like? If it's football, maybe do a quick internet search of the weekend's games to at least know what they're talking about. Are they doing a March Madness pool? Even if you don't know anything about college basketball, you should join just to have something to talk about. Sometimes people just win with dumb luck.

Also, I think it sends a bad message to have your office door shut all day. Can you leave it open and only close it when you absolutely have to?

Maybe get a candy jar or bring in snacks. That would attract some visitors. Even if you don't have anything to talk about, you can strike up a conversation about the types of candy people like. It works like a charm in my office.

I think that it can be hard to break habits that are already established in an office without trying to add new things to the mix. I think you should keep up the stuff you were doing (stopping in to chat with people, etc.) and also try different strategies as well. Don't close the door on any opportunities!

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you want to be/make friends with your co-workers but currently haven't been successful and are giving up. My office is primarily women that range in age from fresh out of college to almost retirement age. Some I like better than others. Some I can tolerate in some batches and some I consider my friends. First of all keep your strong opinions to yourself. Even if you "don't have time for tv" like pp mentioned find out a little bit about what's going on so you can keep in touch.I also don't have much time for TV and find most of what is out there boring and tedious. But I will keep on top of current shows, watch snippets, read about them etc so at least I can feel part of a conversation. Especially with the fresh out of college kids - I love their enthusiasm, and naiveté but I KNOW they have very little interest in my life as a middle aged mother. So I don't even bother taking with them about that. Instead I try to find something in common - maybe its playing soccer, running or reading a good book. Rarely do we do anything outside of work together but if we travel together I find it makes it a lot more pleasant if I get to know them better. For me personally I feel like its opening a secret door when you find out that "clicks" with people, getting to know more about them, their interests and lives. Even if you don't share a lot in common you do have to spend the day with them.

There is no guarantee that a new office you'll have much more luck if you aren't willing to try and get to know them. Also if I noticed a co-worker always had their door shut I would take that as a sign they don't want to socialize and I'd wouldn't make much effort. We have groups of people that ALWAYS have to eat lunch together, while I like them individually as a group they remind me of high school - cady and petty people who gossip. SO I'd rather not eat with them but do enjoy them one on one or in smaller groups.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have groups of people that ALWAYS have to eat lunch together, while I like them individually as a group they remind me of high school - cady and petty people who gossip. SO I'd rather not eat with them but do enjoy them one on one or in smaller groups.

This describes my office. They eat lunch together every day and watch TV. I eat lunch at my desk so I can leave the office on time to get home to my family.

So I socialize with folks more one on one.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I like the ideas about getting in the know about the TV shows, but I find sports utterly boring and know absolutely nothing about any of it. My husband thinks that my not liking sports (and he doesn't like sports or know anything about it either) turns people off. DH has the same sorts of difficulties at his office too, and he believes it's because he doesn't like to talk about sports or cars or beer like the other guys do. So the other guys write DH off and have no interest in getting to know him, and they all get together for happy hour from time to time and no one invites DH.

For me, because I don't like sports or TV, DH thinks it turns my co-workers off because it's like I don't fit in or they think I'm "weird" for not liking these things.

As for TV, I don't have time to watch it, but I've never told my co-workers that.

[Anonymous]

You don't have to watch it to be aware of shows and what's going on. If your co-workers talk about shows its easy enough to find out online what is happening on the shows - enough to at least participate in a conversation. Honestly it doesn't sound like you want to try. I don't like sports nor do I watch tv and yet I've had very little problems getting to know and talk with my co workers. Yes, I might glance at sports in the Post so at least I know who is what and such, and I've read online about tv shows so at least I can follow along. But I have found once your co-works find that you are a good person to talk with you can lead a discussion in other details. I actually enjoy trying to get to know other people, and if they love to talk it doesn't take much to get them started on a discussion. If you have no interest in getting to know them then that's you, not them. I doubt you'll have better luck somewhere else if you aren't willing to try.

[Anonymous]

Well at least you were able to find a mate you are compatible with. Sounds like you have nothing in common with these people. But shees if 90 percent of what they talk about is TV and sports they don't seem to have that many deep connections between themselves. It may just look more appealing from the outside looking in.