"Mixed" Marriages
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Anonymous
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I grew up Catholic. My husband is Baptist (moderate) - grew up going to church every Sunday, mission trips around the world, you name it. I became a Baptist 20 years ago before I ever met DH because that is where I felt called at the time. We were not fabulous about going to church until we had kids. Then, we joined a church here in DC. After a few years, because of changes in the church leadership, we stopped going to that church. We've allegedly been church shopping for several years now, which has so far consisted of going to one other church once at Easter and looking at some websites. We didn't even go anywhere for Christmas this year and are not planning to for Easter this year.
Here is the thing. I have been feeling for a couple of years that I would really like to go back to the Catholic church. My husband, however, has a major thing about the exclusion of other Christians at communion by Catholics. He barely consents to go to church with my parents when we visit them. I've made him do it three times in the 16 years we've been married. I know he would never let me raise the kids Catholic. I realize you are supposed to sort out all the religious stuff before getting married and having kids, yet here I am quite unexpectedly. Can others who have marriages where both parents are not the same faith and where one spouse has a real problem with the other's religion give me some guidance here? Also, for Catholics, on the ridiculous off chance that DH would let me bring the kids, what happens if your kids have already missed some of the sacraments? I have a 4th grader and a 2nd grader. |
Anonymous
| bump |
Anonymous
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Before you guys had kids, what did you discuss when it comes to religion? What did you agree on, then?
What are the core values (religious and otherwise) between the two of you? Maybe write them down, see which ones correlate, and find a church that matches that. |
Anonymous
| Why do you feel draw back to the Catholic Church? If its the type of service,etc. and not necessarily the tenants, try the Episcopal church. Much more Catholic in feel but more open to other denominations. |
Anonymous
We were both Baptists then, so it didn't really come up. A few years back we took a quiz on belief.net that was designed to tell you what religion you should be. It started with the closest match and then went down from there. My closest match came up pagan (m,y mother would be so proud), although other things were in the mix, including Quaker. DH's closest match was Quaker. I'm not sure his family would approve of our becoming Quaker, but I can look into it. |
Anonymous
Have you looked into UU churches? They are kind of an umbrella of religion and spiritual "refugees" - the most important tenant is a sense of community and purpose. Some people are Christian, some believe in a god, some don't. The people are nice and open, and respectful of all. |
Anonymous
| Yes, I was actually very interested in River Road Unitarian, which I heard (thanks DCUM) had a great children's program. DH's mom put the nix on that. I think she's react the same way to our joining a Quaker church because of the way the Bible is viewed. |
Anonymous
It sounds to me like the biggest issue is less what church you, your husband, and children would feel comfortable in, and more about expectations of in-laws and extended family. That's the conversation the two of you really need to have. You have your own family now. It's one thing to join together on special occasions at *their* church (or Catholic Church on your side), but for the most-of-the-time stuff, you both need to find your own niche. If their feelings are hurt, well, they can put their grown up pants on. Such is life. |
Anonymous
| Unfortunately, it isn't that easy. DH's family will not be comfortable with something that isn't "main line" Protestant, and, for reasons I won't go into here, I really do have to respect that. Based on the other thread I may try to get him to look at St. John's Episcopal at Bradley & Wisconsin. I told him last night if we don't do something I am going to go to the very good Catholic church near our house while he dithers. |
Anonymous
Why does DH's mother have any say in this? |
Anonymous
So you have to respect that, but they do not have to respect your views and choices, made together with DH? You have a major IL problem. |
Anonymous
Doormat Alert! 
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Anonymous
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OP - Come back when your broken spinal column is fixed.
Otherwise, you are wasting our time. |
Anonymous
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OP's post sounds a lot like my own situation when growing up. My mom is protestant, dad is Catholic. They had joint officiants at their wedding and stayed in their respective churches, venturing only occasionally to the other's church. My mom has always voiced the exact same complaint about communion in the Catholic church as OP's husband.
As a child I was raised more or less in both churches, attending CCD classes on Saturday for my first communion, then going to Sunday school and church with my mom. As I got older my parents attended church less. For a while in high school I was involved with a protestant youth group that I liked. Fast forward to the present - My spouse is not religious; I am Christian although not a member of any specific church. I don't mean to bore you with my meandering story. My point is, it's OK to attend a different church than your spouse, it's OK not to have all the answers, and it's OK to take your children to various churches. Ultimately this is something they'll make up their own mind about, and I don't think any church or religion on this earth is without its flaws. My grandmother, still alive, attends any ceremony she can at her nursing home (Catholic, protestant, even Jewish). I think at the end of life one is closer to God and can more easily recognize there are various paths to God. |
takoma
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A few things:
To whoever is talking about "tenants" -- you mean "tenets". The underlying premise here is that you (OP) realize none of the churches embodies the absolute Truth, so it really does not matter which you choose, or even whether you attend. Take your kids to different churches when you feel like it so they can get a fuller idea of which versions of the Truth fit them best. Or possibly even that the truth is there is no Truth. Explain to your MIL that it is no disrespect to her that you feel as much responsibility to do right by your children feels to her son, and that you must follow your conscience as she undoubtedly is following hers. |