Toxic mom. What to do?

[Anonymous]

There is a mom at our school who is great fun to talk to--very lively and upbeat! The problem is that she wants to ingratiate herself to all the people in power...head of school, etc. If you aren't someone that is directly useful to her then she can't be bothered to learn your name. She uses her friendships with these in power to "subtly" let them know about students that she doesn't care for. I know all this because she told me. I think she befriended me because she knows that my child is a strong student and well liked in the school and wants her child to be associated with mine. Anyhow I am getting more and more paranoid thinking that I can't really trust her as a friend because she is the type to quote, or rather misquote people. I really wish that I could warn everyone about her, but at best all I can do is just sit on my hands and not give her more ammo.

Have any of you encountered someone like this? What did you do? Thanks!!

[Anonymous]

I don't want to be used by someone trying to social climb, so I am polite yet aloof. I do not engage.

[Anonymous]

Stay politely guarded with her, and never disclose any info about your child or other children (or anybody, for that matter), that she could negatively construe.

When you talk about her to others, what you don't say is quite as revealing as what you do say. If you are non-commital and chose your words carefully, people will understand that there is something wrong.

Several of my family members are like this - it's exhausting!

[Anonymous]

Be careful in the process that you don't start becoming toxic in your own way. When I hear people suggesting you subtly suggest to others that there's something wrong with her, that itself smacks of toxic behavior to me. ("When you talk about her to others, what you don't say is quite as revealing as what you do say. If you are non-commital and chose your words carefully, people will understand that there is something wrong.")

[Anonymous]

I have a neighbor like this and received some second hand reports about how she misquoted me, carefully twisting my words to meet her agenda. Then I remembered the many stories she had shared about others and realized they have 0 credibility. She really is a queen bee but I suspect many of those around her are fully aware of her nature. I just keep an appropriate distance, respond with small talk and move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stay politely guarded with her, and never disclose any info about your child or other children (or anybody, for that matter), that she could negatively construe.

When you talk about her to others, what you don't say is quite as revealing as what you do say. If you are non-commital and chose your words carefully, people will understand that there is something wrong.

Several of my family members are like this - it's exhausting!

One should never EVER gossip about other children (or teachers) with other parents. Period. That's a huge red flag that warns "This is not a person you want to know."

[Anonymous]

If you have noticed this, others have as well. If you warn people about her, you are the one who will look bad, not her. I'm guessing your school administrators are fairly intelligent and professional and will not let a parent influence the way they do their jobs.

[Anonymous]

I had a coworker like this. I agree with the advice never to pass on info about your kid, or anyone else's kid, to her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stay politely guarded with her, and never disclose any info about your child or other children (or anybody, for that matter), that she could negatively construe.

When you talk about her to others, what you don't say is quite as revealing as what you do say. If you are non-commital and chose your words carefully, people will understand that there is something wrong.

Several of my family members are like this - it's exhausting!

If you're trying to send a negative message about her "when you talk about her to others" as you say above, why not just come right out and say what you are trying to signal?

[Anonymous]

OP here. I agree and it is not my nature to say bad things about anyone to others. The problem is that I think she has the admin fooled. She strokes their egos and part of their job involves being petted by these people. I just think she's dangerous and I'm sad to have lost a friend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I agree and it is not my nature to say bad things about anyone to others. The problem is that I think she has the admin fooled. She strokes their egos and part of their job involves being petted by these people. I just think she's dangerous and I'm sad to have lost a friend.

I'm the PP with the toxic coworker. Yes, some people are like this, polishing apples with people in power and treating everyone else as competition. I finally went to my boss and told her something my toxic coworker had done to another coworker, not me. My boss went to talk to the victimized coworker and came back appalled - and I think she was grateful for the tip. The thing is to find the right moment to bring this up, and to show that it's about more than just yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I agree and it is not my nature to say bad things about anyone to others. The problem is that I think she has the admin fooled. She strokes their egos and part of their job involves being petted by these people. I just think she's dangerous and I'm sad to have lost a friend.

Please name your school. TIA!

[Anonymous]

OP here. I really don't want to name the school.

What I was trying to say is that those in power (at a school or elsewhere) are used to people like her who are trying to make nice with them in the hopes that it translates to something good for their child. I just am not sure that they can see through and know that what she is telling them might not be all true. Maybe it doesn't matter, but I just don't think it's right.

12:37, I wish there was a right time or way to tell them. I guess time will tell...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is a mom at our school who is great fun to talk to--very lively and upbeat! The problem is that she wants to ingratiate herself to all the people in power...head of school, etc. If you aren't someone that is directly useful to her then she can't be bothered to learn your name. She uses her friendships with these in power to "subtly" let them know about students that she doesn't care for. I know all this because she told me. I think she befriended me because she knows that my child is a strong student and well liked in the school and wants her child to be associated with mine. Anyhow I am getting more and more paranoid thinking that I can't really trust her as a friend because she is the type to quote, or rather misquote people. I really wish that I could warn everyone about her, but at best all I can do is just sit on my hands and not give her more ammo.

Have any of you encountered someone like this? What did you do? Thanks!!

Post her name or at least the school

[Anonymous]

It will come out. I have a family member like this. People are always initially charmed, but they figure it out. Over and over again I've seen it happen, so don't worry. Just stay away; try not to make eye contact. Read up on Narcissistic Personality Disorder if you need more tips on dealing with her.