annoyed with my mom, with a decision to make

[Anonymous]

I am so irked with my mom, and I'm having a hard time getting over it, so here goes...

So, I work part-time, two LONG days each week. Those days, my husband picks up our 18 month old son from daycare, does the Daddy-Son thing (which involves a lot of chicken nuggets and romps in the park) and puts him to bed. It works great, and I get to be with my little guy 5 days a week.

My husband is going out of town for 3 days in November, one of which is a day I work. I asked my mom to come to town (she lives 2.5 hours away) to watch my son so that I would not have to take any time off, and she agreed and said she would bring my dad, too. I know that when they have watched my niece for up to a week, they have sent her to daycare during the day and watched her at night. So the other day I asked her what her plan was with my son, and she said she planned to send him to daycare and "maybe pick him up early."

I am fuming. The woman is only 65, my dad is 69. They have no health problems, she works out at Curves 3x a week, he putters around the yard like it's his job. She often makes noises about not seeing her grandkids enough, wanting to be close to them, etc etc. My sister and I have struggled with how they are more "sit and watch" type grandparents, and if we want them to actually DO anything with the kids, we have to ask. So here is a perfect opportunity to spend time with him, and she's going to send him to daycare anyway! What's the point of them traveling all that way to watch him for only three hours? I would rather just take the time off work!

I know some may say I'm overreacting, but I guess I just get so fed up with her. She's never been particulary warm and cuddly, and my husband admits to finding her fairly intimidating, which I eventually made peace with. But now she's acting the same way about my child, and it drives me nuts. She's never going to change, I know that. But she talks like she's grandmother of the year! The last time she watched him (for like 4 hours!) she couldn't stop talking about how he wasn't nearly as "hard to handle" as she thought he was going to be. She acts like he's a tasmanian devil, but he's just an energetic and really affectionate toddler!

So, do I just tell her "never mind" and knock off work early? Or do I confront her? Or get all passive-aggressive and have my sister talk to her?

Thanks!

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't do any of them. Sure you'd like for her to spend the day with him, but from how you've described her, what's to say that she doesn't just stick him in front of the tv all day? Let him go to daycare and have a great time there and then let him get picked up early by his grandparents. He'll love seeing them at the end of his day and I think that's really all that matters.

[Anonymous]

I'm not understanding why you are surprised that she plans to send your child to daycare during the day- since you stated that she does that when watching your niece.

I think it's odd that she's sending the child to daycare. I've spent so much time and frustration over the past 8 years trying to understand the actions of my kids' grandparents that I can tell you this: they will not change. They also will not take kindly to being told what kind of grandparent you would like them to be - no matter how gently you phrase it. I can only recommend that you accept them, imperfect as they are, and don't expect more from them than what they offer.

[Anonymous]

Well what will you be happiest with? Maybe taking off early and just being with your baby. That would make me happier than working a LONG day, coming home to my mom telling me about baby's day in day care, and then having to figure out dinner.

And I wish I could not "expect" X, Y and Z from my mom, easier said than done.

I just went out of town, had mom come to "help," and guess what, when she was supposed to be helping, turns out she was watching TV, while my husband cooked dinner, and the au pair was watching the baby, way past her scheduled time (which was the whole reason mom was supposed to come).

So I won't ask her to come again for that reason. My husband can manage just fine (he says this). She can come when she wants to, but I'm better off not relying on her "help."

[Anonymous]

Your parents are what they are. Just because they are physically able to, they may not feel up to it in other ways. If they are truly not that comfortable with taking him for the day, why not stick to the routine of day care, then? He is probably safer there than with them, in that case. And spending three hours with them is a lot more than nothing. I think that you are just expecting too much from them.

[Anonymous]

I can completely understand your disappointment here. The fact of the matter is, it would be a great opportunity for her to spend some time with your child. I do wonder though if some of this is left-over resentment from your childhood. You and your sibling have said that she is more the 'sit back and watch" type....so you sort of knew what to expect, right...no surprises, really? I would be happy that she is willing to come down and cover, and work out your own feelings, on your own...,leaving her out of it. This is the way she chooses to be involved.....

Just my 2 cents.
Everyone loves differently.

[Anonymous]

Recently, when my mom was in town, we discussed whether she wanted to keep DD home from daycare for a day. After some discussion, we decided it was best for DD to keep to her regular daycare schedule. It wasn't that my mom didn't want to watch her, but DD is a creature of habit and without her routine, she gets pretty cranky. Your mom might realize this or just think that your child would have a less stressful day if his routine is followed. Also, sometimes grandparents are simply more comfortable with different ages. My father-in-law loooooves tiny babies, but doesn't really enjoy the older kids. He's in excellent health, but they are really too much for him. My mother-in-law loves all ages, but isn't physically able to care for a wild toddler. Relax. Enjoy that your mom will watch your son for the evening. Not to minimize what you are feeling, but lots of new parents don't have even that.

[Anonymous]

I completely agree with PP's. Just wanted to add that since she mentioned that it wasn't as hard as she thought to take care of your son, perhaps she's actually a bit nervous or uneasy taking care of him for a whole day. I know my parents are a bit anxious about babysitting for an extended period.

[Anonymous]

You've gotten some great advice and suggestions so I won't repeat, but I do want to add one comment.

My mom sounds very similar to yours, but I noticed she gets "stressed" out when watching my DD (18 mo.). My DD is very easy going and is even content with looking at her books, playing blocks, etc. and other very passive activities. My mom doesn't mind watching her if I'm around (like holidays, when she comes over for dinner, etc.), but if DH and I are not there and she truely has to babysit, well, then she seems to be counting down the minutes...I know, it's strange and I can't put my finger on it.

Like your mom OP, she is young, goes to Curves, adores DD, has no problem watching my other nieces and nephews (granted they are older though), but still gets a little weird when truly babysitting.

Out of curiosity... what do your parents intend to do all day while your DS is in daycare? Are they taking this opportunity to go downtown/sightsee, shopping, etc.?

[Anonymous]

My parents are pretty uninvolved with my son (4 yo) and I definitely can relate to the feeling of being annoyed and disappointed that they don't show more interest or support. My parents live less than an hour away, are retired and are physically and socially active; yet, they don't offer and even refuse to help when I've asked - I'm a single parent and even when my son was sick and couldn't attend daycare, they would not bail me out (!!??). I agree with one of the PP's who suggested that the OP's situation may be stirring up feelings from childhood. But what was strange is that I started to see that my parents' lack of interest in me had nothing to do with me, because they were exactly the same way with their grandchildren. So it was more about their deficits (from my perspective) and in a way it was therapeutic.

So I have totally been there and I suggest accepting what your parents have to offer and don't expect any more than that. If you expect more, you will be disappointed and won't appreciate anything they have to offer and they will pick up on this. They may then be even less involved because they see you don't appreciate their efforts (and I am sure they feel it is an effort for them). Try not to take it personally - it's not about you and it's not about your child. Take whatever they can offer and rethink the grandparent-child relationship you were hoping for. It's not going to happen, and as soon as you can come to grips with that, you'll stop being annoyed and will appreciate what little they can do. Seriously.

[Anonymous]

I have to say that it doesn't seem to such a bad plan for your mother to send your son to daycare. People who aren't used to the day to day work of caring for a child, especially if the child is active, often aren't up to the task of it. Kids are exhausting and if you don't have the energy for it, it isn't going to be a good experience. Good for your mother for recognizing her limitations.

Recently, I needed my MIL to watch my two kids and I recommended that she send them to daycare. She decided not to - a plan that lasted for only one day. She realized pretty quickly that she bit off more than she could chew so she started to send them to daycare. After that, she spent the days planning nice things for them and cooking their favorite meals and baked goods.

So, if I were in your shoes, I would be helping your mom find special ways to connect with your son and planning things that they can do during the three hours they are together. And, since kids seem to always love their grandparents regardless of what we parents think of our parents or in laws, it will probably be wonderful for your son even if it is only three hours.

[Anonymous]

Repeat this mantra:

I didn't break her, and I can't fix her.

Your mom sounds like this is a Herculean effort for her to come down and help you out. I know you're ticked, but there may be a time when you REALLY need the help and you don't want to burn a bridge now by un-asking her to help at this point, KWIM?

If this is her plan, try to take a step back and realize it's probably for your son's best that she's NOT in charge of him during the day. She may be thinking, well, DGS is in daycare and Daddy gets him normally on this day, so my function in this equation is to pick him up at the same time Daddy normally would... Not saying that's a loving thing to do, just that apparently she doesn't have that 'doting Grandma chip' in her!

Adjust your expectations downward, bitch to your sister about her in private, and try to find a way to live with lowered expectations of your parents. She sounds just like my MIL and FIL, only they always make my plans worse by telling me they'll come so I plan my work schedule accordingly, and then they call to bail the day before causing me to have to buy a last minute air ticket for my mom to fly in and actually do the helping.

And then they wonder why my mom 'gets' to see the grandkids more than her (and gets huffy over it!!).

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

PP here... one more thing? I would seriously find a college student or a mom who's trying to make some extra money, and line a few people up to be your new back up system.

It feels so much better to just call someone to bail you out for a few hours for PAY, than to get all these emotions stirred up trying to ask a carrot to be an apple. KWIM?

[Anonymous]

I understand you're disappointed and anger. However, you needed her to help you out for a day while your husband was out of town, and she agreed. I would be grateful for that. If sending him to daycare and picking him early is what she's most comfortable with, I'd just accept that.

[Anonymous]

I think taking care of an 18 month old for a day is exhausting so give your mom a break. You get the help (free I might add) and your child gets to spend at least some time with the grandparents.