annoyed with my mom, with a decision to make

[Anonymous]

They would drive 5 hours for a 2.5 hour visit - if I were you I'd just cut my day a bit shorter

[Anonymous]

My parents are active involved grandparents. But when they come to visit and take care of my daughter (age 4) my daughter still goes to preschool even though they could have her spend the day with them. My mom and dad's reason is that while they enjoy the special time with her, they don't miss the hard work of spending all day with a child. And as anyone who remembers babysitting someone's child who isn't their own (including beloved neices and nephews) it is hard work even if they are beloved! Picking her up at 3 works for them and I respect that.

Works for me, and I while it sounds annoying and frustrating for you, I would just accept the help offered and try not to worry about the 8 hours in daycare.

[Anonymous]

Let it go. I think you're overreacting... a lot.

1) Despite your parents' good health, taking care of an 18-month old can be hard, stressful, intimidating, etc. You act like they don't love him or don't want to be with him, which clearly is not the case. Perhaps they think he'll do better if he keeps mostly to his usual schedule? perhaps they're scared he will be upset/crying and they won't know what to do? perhaps they just think he's active and they won't be able to keep up? Cut them some slack. My mom regularly babysits my kids. She's 69 and in good health, but frankly watching the kids wipes her out much more than I'd expect.

2) My father-in-law was very much like this when our kids were younger, he didn't want to hold them, didn't seem to be interested, and I was frankly offended. Slowly I realize he was just intimidated, and perhaps also a little bored. Not everyone likes little babies, because for some adults, blowing bubbles can only be so much fun. Slowly he got more comfortable with them, and now that they're pre-schoolers, he's great with them. But he wants to play catch, or do things with his grandkids... and when they're little, they just can't.

3) Don't stay home. You're trying to save your vacation, so save it. you have loving parents who are driving 5 hours to come help you out. They're happy about it, and it meets your needs. Why mess that up just to express your displeasure? Be happy that they want to be involved with your son. Don't criticize them for not doing it "your way".

[Anonymous]

OP - I can relate and in fact have posted here before about frustrations with my mom. Though, I have to say that I agree with PP that you are overreacting a bit. I come from a different perspective where I would actually love for my mom to be even as involved in my child's life as they are in yours. I couldn't even make that request of my mom. I spent my whole life being so programmed as to how my mom hates little kids ("shit kids" is how they were often referred to when I was growing up) that I was afraid to tell her when DH and I got pregnant. Before I had DS, we lived across country from one another. We have since moved and live a lot closer now and she hasn't made an effort to see her grandson in more than a year now (which pretty much equates to half of his life). We recently needed someone to come babysit for a weekend for a work-related trip and had to go out of our way to get DH's mom to fly from TX because I can't ask my mom to come and watch her grandson for even an hour.
So, instead of being upset about it - maybe you could instead focus on the positive that at least she is engaged.

[Anonymous]

While I can see how you could be dissappointed with your mothers intentions, I think you are overreacting with the options you have given yourself. If your mother normally isnt a hands-on grandparent then why would expect that to change for this one day? If you are ok with how your husband spends time with your son, the why wouldn' t you be ok with how your mother does? It's her choice how she wants to spend time with him. Also some people aren't great with planning outtings with kids. My parents live in Phila - when my kids go to visit my moms she has movies, museums, dinners, & park outtings planned. When they visit my dad he usually just lets them watch whatver video they want to watch on tv and give them McDonald's. It doesn't mean my dad loves his grandchildren any less, he just does different things and has a different level of activity with them. He actually enjoys just eating McDonald's with them and will play video games with them for hours and they love it.

If your mom is a healthy and safe alternative to your childcare dilemna than let her watch her grandson the way she wants to. It's only for one day and your son doesn't see her often because she lives 2 hours away so why take about his chance to see his grandmom.

I understand being dissappointed but that is your hang up and not your child's so let him spend time with your mom.

[Anonymous]

Did I read this right, usually there is a three hour gap between the time daycare is over and the time you get home? So if she picks him up early that will give her probably, what, 4 hours with him?

Seriously, that is probably time enough for both of them to get excited, spend some quality time, wind down, and then be happy to see you when you get home. Grandma doesn't have to do all the meals for him that day, or deal with nap time, or maybe too many poopy diapers. Not everybody is into all of that. So perhaps it is a great compromise between all day care - which might feel like drudgery to her - and no visit from grandma at all.

Four hours can be a long time to play. Just relax and let the two of them enjoy it

[Anonymous]

Let grandma and grandpa make the decision as to whether it will be worth it for them to make the 2.5hour trip for a mere 3 hours with their grandchild.

To you and me it seems like it is an obvious answer especially given their physical capabilities and their previous grandparenting. However, maybe spending all day with Junior is a little more difficult than they want to let on and prefer to him in daycare, but don't mind picking him up and taking care of him until you come home.

Just run with it. Like I said, you don't have anything to lose, your parents do (making the 2.5 hour trip for "nothing"...3 hours of play with Junior).

[Anonymous]

OP here--thanks for all the input (although people who reply to this group with harshness always kinda remind me of my mom...)

Those who suggested my own childhood stuff is an influence are right, and it's something I'll probably always be working on.

I guess I'm just incredulous that she talks on about wanting a close relationship, makes comments about the "other" grandparents, is constantly asking me to come see her...and then chooses not to spend available time with him. But, like the PP said, I didn't break her, so I can't fix her.

My long day means I don't get home til after 9pm, when the little guy is fast asleep, so of course part of me is looking for any excuse to get home early to tuck him in.

I'm going to stick w/ the original plan, have them come, and let them enjoy the time they choose to spend with him. I'll work hard on accepting what they have to offer.

Thanks