SAH: what are the "best" years to stay at home?

[Anonymous]

I have a year-old son and am considering stay at home with him for about a couple years, and then would return to work full-time. I could do this at any point in the next 4-5 years (I don't see much of a reason to take time off once he's in kindergarten), and am leaning toward taking off from about 18 months - 3 years. I'd like to hear the opinions of other moms on when you think the best "window" of time is to take off, in terms of when you think the child benefits most (and any other factors that you think are relevant, like it's easier to get out and about at a certain age, so you recommend that particular age.....).

Thanks in advance for your advice. Would appreciate to hear most from moms who have done this before.

[Anonymous]

After watching a bunch of moms and their decisions I thought that for our family it was best for me to SAH until they were old enough for FT at school.

Once they start school I'll go back FT but definitely will be available before and after school for them.

My mom WOH when we were infants and went PT when we hit middle school. It was PERFECT.

I don't remember her being gone at all - but she does and feels guilty - but I have wonderful memories of her being there for every single sports event, concert, field trip, etc..

It was the perfect mix. Now that I'm on the other side I'm home during infancy and toddlerhood to avoid the guilt and will go back when they don't need me that much anymore.

[Anonymous]

I personally think it is not just about the child but also the family set up, such as our field and your husband's field and if there is a period where one of you can ramp down or work a less intense schedule. When I had my kids my husband had a very flexible job with pretty reasonable hours, as I did. It was pretty easy to juggle kids and work. As years have gone by that has changed somewhat. I'm getting to the point where I may have to mommy-track as DH's job is ramping up. It might not always be that way though, as he plans to consult on his own in a few years possibly and have more reasonable hours again for pretty good pay, given his field.

If I do step back I'm in a much better position to do something PT or freelance. So for me it will make more sense as kids are a bit older. But if we both had intense jobs at the start, I may have stepped back when they were babies.

[Anonymous]

For me, I choose to stay home with very young kids because they seem to change overnight. I know they'll need me more when they are older, but I can't justify stying home when they are in school full time. It's for my own selfish reasons that I want to be home with my babies/toddlers!

[Anonymous]

I stayed home for the first year with all 3 of my kids. It'd probably have been great if I could've swung 2 years, but that didn't happen.

I just feel like logistically, the first year is tough. You're not sleeping great. The baby is not sleeping great. And, it's so much more involved to get the baby to daycare. Once the child is 2 or 3, and starting to feed him/herself, go potty, etc., it seems to get easier.

However, my kids are still young. I hear that it's good to be around during the teen years, but we're not there yet.

[Anonymous]

They need their parents specifically starting around 9/10. Navigating increased homework demands, activities, social dynamics can be really hard for them. I have no doubt that my child needs me specifically now. When she was a baby and a toddler, she needed loving care, but it didn't matter if it was me, daddy, gma, or her daycare teachers. She will have no memory of who was with her during her early years. She will absolutely remember if I am at home from 6th grade to 8th.

I plan on staying at home for a few years in middle school and then going back once she is in HS

[Anonymous]

0-4. After that point they are in school and you are seeing them about the same amount of time as you were when you were working. Maybe an extra hour or two.

[Anonymous]

I know several moms that chose to stay at home once the kids were out of the house for a full 6.5 hours each day. I always found it odd that they worked from 7am-6:30pm--with full-time nanny for the first 5 years, but then once the kids hit school it was about spending time with them. Ironic.

[Anonymous]

I have a different perspective. I worked FT (at a DC law firm) until DD was almost 2. I stayed home from 2-3, doing a little contract work part time while she was in a PT pre-school program. As much fun as we have had spending this time together, I'm actually looking to go back to work. I'll be honest - I love it, but being a FT mom to a toddler is HARD. And I don't think I'm particularly good at it. I think I'm a great part-time mommy to a toddler, but I just don't have the strength and patience to do it well full-time. In my mind, it is more important to be home when my kids are older. My mother worked, and the mothers of my friends all stayed home and that dynamic clearly affected my relationship with my mother. She didn't attend all my sports activities, couldn't volunteer for school field trips or other things, she wasn't home when we got home from school and coincidentally didn't know much about my social life. To be fair, my mother-daughter dymanic has a lot to do with my mom's personality and not just her work schedule. For my family, we've decided that while it would be lovely to stay home when the kid(s) are little because it's a precious time and yes, they change practically overnight, I would prefer to be home with them later on when it is more important, and more difficult, to maintain a presence in their lives. I want to chat with my little girl over after-school snack and to hear about what her friends are doing. I want to know her friends and their parents. I want to volunteer at her school. I want to be home when she gets off the bus and when she does her homework. I want to be home when she goes through that horrible middle school period when little girls are just mean to each other. I want to know when she has her first crush. She won't really remember all the painting and trips to the park we did this year, but she will remember that I was home to raise her when she's older.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a different perspective. I worked FT (at a DC law firm) until DD was almost 2. I stayed home from 2-3, doing a little contract work part time while she was in a PT pre-school program. As much fun as we have had spending this time together, I'm actually looking to go back to work. I'll be honest - I love it, but being a FT mom to a toddler is HARD. And I don't think I'm particularly good at it. I think I'm a great part-time mommy to a toddler, but I just don't have the strength and patience to do it well full-time. In my mind, it is more important to be home when my kids are older. My mother worked, and the mothers of my friends all stayed home and that dynamic clearly affected my relationship with my mother. She didn't attend all my sports activities, couldn't volunteer for school field trips or other things, she wasn't home when we got home from school and coincidentally didn't know much about my social life. To be fair, my mother-daughter dymanic has a lot to do with my mom's personality and not just her work schedule. For my family, we've decided that while it would be lovely to stay home when the kid(s) are little because it's a precious time and yes, they change practically overnight, I would prefer to be home with them later on when it is more important, and more difficult, to maintain a presence in their lives. I want to chat with my little girl over after-school snack and to hear about what her friends are doing. I want to know her friends and their parents. I want to volunteer at her school. I want to be home when she gets off the bus and when she does her homework. I want to be home when she goes through that horrible middle school period when little girls are just mean to each other. I want to know when she has her first crush. She won't really remember all the painting and trips to the park we did this year, but she will remember that I was home to raise her when she's older.

But- it is not necessary to quit completely and SAH full-time to do all of the things you mention. I wah 7-3:30 and I am there for all of the after school stuff. I think some women are afraid to say the are just plain burned out and want an early retirement. It is easier to say 'I'm doing it to be with my kids' and then turn into a wohm-basher like a great majority out there.

[Anonymous]

You're right PP. For me, that would be the best of both worlds, to work but be able to be home at 3:30 when the kids are out of school. I just don't know realistic it will be for me to find a job with those kinds of hours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They need their parents specifically starting around 9/10. Navigating increased homework demands, activities, social dynamics can be really hard for them. I have no doubt that my child needs me specifically now. When she was a baby and a toddler, she needed loving care, but it didn't matter if it was me, daddy, gma, or her daycare teachers. She will have no memory of who was with her during her early years. She will absolutely remember if I am at home from 6th grade to 8th.

I plan on staying at home for a few years in middle school and then going back once she is in HS

ITA. I never want dot stay at home, but now that my kids are in elementary, I feel like they need me more than they ever did. I'd love to be able to volunteer at school, etc. Daycare was a piece of cake compared to school!

[Anonymous]

OP here. Wow, your posts are really interesting. I'm surprised to hear several of you say that the later years are more important. As a novice mother, I have to say that I don't agree on some points - even though your kids won't remember the early years with you there, it doesn't mean that they're not meaningful or incredibly powerful years for the children emotionally, mentally, socially, etc. Some say that years 0-3 determine your emotional development for the rest of your life, so these years are important, and whether the child remembers the memories doesn't mean that they might not benefit exponentially from having you there. I think it's just that later on, they're able to verbalize their need for you more.

Thanks to PP 17:50, your post is really helpful. I can imagine being in your shoes too (staying at home and then finding it too much).

My own strong inclination is to work while my son is in middle school rather than stay home those years. My mom was a SAHM, and I wanted nothing to do with her when I was an adolescent. I have almost no memories of us doing anything together during those years.

[Anonymous]

I was one of the PPs saying I think the later years are more important. I can only speak from my own experience. I worked when my DDs were young (and I work now). My girls are very well-adjusted and we are close. I've never felt that we weren't close because I worked. Granted, we had a great daycare that my kids loved, so I feel like they were well taken care of and well loved in daycare.

Right now they are 7 and 9. I feel like they could use more time from me. Unfortunately, those awesome get off of work at 3;30 jobs everyone talks about do not seem to be plentiful, so we do the best we can.

[Anonymous]

I took the first year off of DD's life and I wouldn't change a thing about it. She would literally change before my eyes and that time was invaluable. Additionally, I had a very hard time coming to terms with trusting anyone else to care for my infant. She was small and unable to speak for herself and it just drove me crazy that short of putting a camera on her I wouldn't be able to see what was happening with her.

That being said, I really did start to miss work and was looking forward to going back but only after I found a daycare that I trusted with my heart.

Regarding the later years...it really depends on family dynamic. I am a firm believer that one or both parents needs to have a schedule flexible enough to attend the kids events etc. In that way I know we're lucky b/c DH works 10 minutes from our home and I have a very flexible job that allows telecommuting and a work life balance (I know this is not common.)

But I say, go with what feels right for your family. Oh and for us, it made the most sense for me to stay home earlier rather than later financially.

But follow you gut on what's best for you.