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My mother is toxic and I'm tired of dealing with her
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Anonymous
| Now that I've turned 40, I'm officially tired of the constant nitpicky criticism and being spoken to like I'm a young teenager-complete with lots of input such as "Well that's just stupid" in relation to just about anything I propose to do. I've tried hard to create a relationship between her and my children, and it's actually been okay for a few years. However, after her last recent outburst I stopped speaking to her, because, what's to say? I always hoped my children would have a great grandma relationship since my grandparents all died before I was born. However, I do not enjoy my mother's company, I just find it way too tiring. She was also physically abusive when I was a child, but that's another story. Does anybody else have a toxic mother? How do you navigate this relationship? Thanks for any input. |
Anonymous
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my mom doesn't live in town it sort of helps, but I recommend:
1) Therapy for you. It is completely draining to have all of the emotions of physical/emotional abuse from 40 years of your mom. 2) realizing that now that you are 40, YOU can decide what your 1/2 of the relationship with your mom can be. Just because an ideal relationship with a mom would be great doesn't mean that what you have. It would be nice to have a mom around who is fun to be around. Doesn't sound like you have that. It sounds like you still have to keep your mom at a distance because her behavior hasn't changed that much, and there's nothing wrong with that, for your sanity. |
Anonymous
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Get Therapy now.
I say this as the grownup daughter of a woman who has a toxic relationship with her mother (my Grandmother). It is exhausting for me. I find myself in the role of therapist *a lot* and it is emotionally draining for me. I have tons of empathy for my mother, but I really wish she would seek professional help. She cannot let anything go in regards to my grandmother and it eats at her. Don't wait. Get help. |
Anonymous
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Oh OP I hear you. My mother and I have had a very difficult relationship over the years. We also got to the point of not speaking for a couple of months, but then she sort of "saw the light" and started treating me with more respect. I don't think she's capable of respecting another person, but at least she is doing a good job of faking it with me, so I've let her back into our lives. However, those months while I cut her off gave me much clarity and I don't let her get me upset the same way I used to. I am also just so busy managing my own family (and she lives on the other side of the country) that I just can't devote that much time to worrying about her.
I always wish that I had gotten therapy and maybe some day I will, but right now I just don't have the time or the funds to devote to it. If you do, I would definitely encourage you to do it. This type of emotional drain will just continue to affect your life otherwise. And as for your children, isn't it better for them to have no grandma around, but a sane mom? |
Anonymous
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My mom is the same way. Condescending and sometimes downright rude. I find it really hard to take her seriously, after growing up with her crazy mood swings, physical abuse, and martyr attitude.
I never did therapy, but we have a half-decent relationship. Compared to what it used to be, anyway. I limit my time with her, and do it on my terms. I don't give in to the guilt trips. I say "hm" when she goes off on some insulting tangent, and either change the subject or walk away. I do not engage her on controversial subjects, ever. I also don't ever leave my child alone with her for more than an hour. I see how she treats my nephews, and I won't have my baby subjected to that kind of inconsistent authority. Once I found my own boundaries, and started enforcing them, things became much more comfortable. (For me, anyway. She's probably on some baby-boomer forum complaining about how cold and distant her daughter is!) She knows that going off on politics will get no response, so she doesn't talk politics anymore. It's just like the tactic I employ with my toddler: when she gets too rough, hitting or pinching, I give one warning, then I get up and leave the room. Except mom doesn't get one warning. Both of them have learned my boundaries pretty well! 
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Anonymous
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Agree with pp, boundaries are key. My mother's behavior has improved since I started enforcing mine. Through therapy I realized that my family members had a tendency to reserve their absolute worst behavior for the people closest to them (I used to do this too, and it pains me to think of it). Once I stopped dumping my crap at other people's feet, it became really easy to expect my mother should do the same.
The message that I gave her was, in short, "you can't treat me badly simply because you're my mother." That's not to say that there wasn't drama associated with it -- things got worse before they got better, and at no time has she ever admitted to/apologized for any of her off the hook behavior. But she does keep a lid on the worst of it now. Especially around her granddaughter. It's hard to give concrete advice b/c everybody's toxi-mom is different, but one tip based on what you shared in your OP -- don't use her as a sounding board for your proposals if she's only going to use it as an opportunity to criticize you. You are a grown-up, you get to make your own decisions. Best of luck to you. |
Anonymous
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don't use her as a sounding board for your proposals if she's only going to use it as an opportunity to criticize you.
I love this! It took me years to realize this. In general, I think what has worked for me is to stop imagining how I would like my relationship with my mom to be if SHE were different, and really focus on how it is and how I can deal with that. |
Anonymous
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Not the OP but I am struck by how many insightful people are posting today!
Kudos, y'all! |
Anonymous
PP: This cracked me up because I think my mom is also convinced that I am the cold one after finally setting some boundaries to her ever-abusive treatment. |
Anonymous
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I too have an incredibly toxic mother. She's narcissistic, hyper-critical and is unable to see the world through anyone's eyes but her own. I've been to therapy which has helped somewhat in making me realize that she is NOT a "normal" mom.
My way of dealing with her is to limit our interaction, keep things superficial and realize that she willl never change. I have no expectations of her behaving in a loving manner. I see her probably once a week -- mostly so she can see my kids (who she's actually pretty nice to). And when she complains that I'm aloof and have no time for her, I just remind her that I'm very busy (which is true, but I don't get into the real reasons I limit contact with her). I have stopped ever complaining about how she treats me (she has no insight and just gets incredibly defensive), and when she is critical of me, I just nod politely and wait til she's done ranting. My husband thinks I should cut her off, but as much as she's a crappy person, she is still the only mother I have and I would like to have some relationship with her. Good luck to you, OP. Hope it helps to know that you're not alone. |
Anonymous
Wait! I didn't know my mother had another child. All along I thought I was her only one...
I propose we start a support group for children of Toxic mothers. |
Anonymous
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Another vote for therapy. If you're looking for a referral, Dr. Rosemary Schwartzbard is terrific. Her office is near the VA Square metro, and I found her to be extremely helpful when I was dealing with my mother-related issues.
Seriously, do yourself a favor and get professional help to work this stuff out. Otherwise there is a very good chance you will pass it on to your children, either directly or indirectly. |
Anonymous
Good stuff here: realize she'll never change; don't complain to your mother about how she treats you (because she'll just turn it around and make it about how you're mistreating her; YOU be the one to decide when enough is enough. Don't let yourself get stampeded into something you might regret, since you only get the one ma. |
Anonymous
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Well, my solution was to move away as far as I could in the continental US, as early as practicable. Then I kept visits home short and made sure I had access to a car while there. Then she died in her 50s.
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Anonymous
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I've not had bad parents, but I've seen the fallout from toxic moms....
my advice is, claim your space, and clear her out of that space the fact that she's your mom and gave you life doesn't give her carte blanche to turn that life into non-stop misery or drama.... |