My mother is toxic and I'm tired of dealing with her

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I too have an incredibly toxic mother. She's narcissistic, hyper-critical and is unable to see the world through anyone's eyes but her own. I've been to therapy which has helped somewhat in making me realize that she is NOT a "normal" mom.

My way of dealing with her is to limit our interaction, keep things superficial and realize that she willl never change. I have no expectations of her behaving in a loving manner. I see her probably once a week -- mostly so she can see my kids (who she's actually pretty nice to).
And when she complains that I'm aloof and have no time for her, I just remind her that I'm very busy (which is true, but I don't get into the real reasons I limit contact with her).
I have stopped ever complaining about how she treats me (she has no insight and just gets incredibly defensive), and when she is critical of me, I just nod politely and wait til she's done ranting. My husband thinks I should cut her off, but as much as she's a crappy person, she is still the only mother I have and I would like to have some relationship with her.

Good luck to you, OP. Hope it helps to know that you're not alone.

Wow. I could have written this (I am not OP). Thanks PP for sharing these thoughts. Good to know I'm not alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Now that I've turned 40, I'm officially tired of the constant nitpicky criticism and being spoken to like I'm a young teenager-complete with lots of input such as "Well that's just stupid" in relation to just about anything I propose to do. I've tried hard to create a relationship between her and my children, and it's actually been okay for a few years. However, after her last recent outburst I stopped speaking to her, because, what's to say? I always hoped my children would have a great grandma relationship since my grandparents all died before I was born. However, I do not enjoy my mother's company, I just find it way too tiring. She was also physically abusive when I was a child, but that's another story. Does anybody else have a toxic mother? How do you navigate this relationship? Thanks for any input.

Yes, I have a mother who can be toxic. We're not close, we tolerate each other for my family's sake. If she weren't my mother, I wouldn't like her as a friend.

I've accepted our relationship, the way it is, and even though it's hurtful, I don't focus on it. I have my own loving family and that is my focus.

[Anonymous]

I have a toxic sister and no so toxic mother. Eight years ago I moved to the U.S. My sister is still toxic, we can't talk on the phone more than five minutes. So, when she starts judging me or being mean, I just hang up. I'm pregnant for the first time and I decided to stay away from the difficult people.
I also have toxic in-laws but let's leave this issue for a new topic in this forum.

[Anonymous]

Thanks all, for being so open. I had the same reaction to turning 40 - it was a great gift to accept myself and stop accepting bad behavior. My next goal, which I hope to achieve before I'm 50, is to be more graceful in how I cope.

Here's what I learned from my therapist: I don't have to fix my mom, or even tell her what the trouble is - that's my mom's work, not mine.

[Anonymous]

This is the OP. Thank you everybody for the feedback, every single post gave me something useful to consider. I really appreciate it!

[Anonymous]

OP, I've hesitated to post because I don't want to be the wet blanket, but to give you a different perspective: I decided about a year ago, also soon after passing 40, that my mother was incapable of being supportive and that I should distance myself from her emotionally, while remaining civil. I did that. I felt better. My mother died suddenly this summer. I wish I had handled things differently. I wish I had found a way to forgive her instead of shutting her out. I wish I had found a way to make us both more happy. I wish I had focused more on the fact that she really did love me in her own way, difficult though our relationship was. I wish I had been a better person instead of blaming my mother for not being a better person. I don't know how I would have accomplished any of this, but I am full of regret.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I've hesitated to post because I don't want to be the wet blanket, but to give you a different perspective: I decided about a year ago, also soon after passing 40, that my mother was incapable of being supportive and that I should distance myself from her emotionally, while remaining civil. I did that. I felt better. My mother died suddenly this summer. I wish I had handled things differently. I wish I had found a way to forgive her instead of shutting her out. I wish I had found a way to make us both more happy. I wish I had focused more on the fact that she really did love me in her own way, difficult though our relationship was. I wish I had been a better person instead of blaming my mother for not being a better person. I don't know how I would have accomplished any of this, but I am full of regret.

You've expressed my deepest fear. I know my mother loves me in her own way, although she's very critical of me. I can completely see your point. I'm sure your mother knew you loved her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I've hesitated to post because I don't want to be the wet blanket, but to give you a different perspective: I decided about a year ago, also soon after passing 40, that my mother was incapable of being supportive and that I should distance myself from her emotionally, while remaining civil. I did that. I felt better. My mother died suddenly this summer. I wish I had handled things differently. I wish I had found a way to forgive her instead of shutting her out. I wish I had found a way to make us both more happy. I wish I had focused more on the fact that she really did love me in her own way, difficult though our relationship was. I wish I had been a better person instead of blaming my mother for not being a better person. I don't know how I would have accomplished any of this, but I am full of regret.

A very similar thing happened to me, although I was much younger than 40 when my mother died. I did get a chance to tell her that I loved her before she passed, but we didn't get the chance to process through all the issues between us. Bottom line: you only have one mother. You may not believe me, but when she dies, all the issues you have with her will suddenly seem trivial and petty--not saying that they are, mind you, just saying that death puts things in real perspective.

[Anonymous]

Even through the fear that something bad will happen to your Mom while you try to create a healthier relationship with her, you still, hopefully, realize that just chugging along feeling like crap is no way to live...Change is difficult, but staying in that situation seems pretty much untenable
in a way, it's like dealing with any other bad relationship, eg, a marriage, or a draining friendship...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I've hesitated to post because I don't want to be the wet blanket, but to give you a different perspective: I decided about a year ago, also soon after passing 40, that my mother was incapable of being supportive and that I should distance myself from her emotionally, while remaining civil. I did that. I felt better. My mother died suddenly this summer. I wish I had handled things differently. I wish I had found a way to forgive her instead of shutting her out. I wish I had found a way to make us both more happy. I wish I had focused more on the fact that she really did love me in her own way, difficult though our relationship was. I wish I had been a better person instead of blaming my mother for not being a better person. I don't know how I would have accomplished any of this, but I am full of regret.

A very similar thing happened to me, although I was much younger than 40 when my mother died. I did get a chance to tell her that I loved her before she passed, but we didn't get the chance to process through all the issues between us. Bottom line: you only have one mother. You may not believe me, but when she dies, all the issues you have with her will suddenly seem trivial and petty--not saying that they are, mind you, just saying that death puts things in real perspective.

I don't believe this is true...some of those issues will seem less major, but what of the crippling effects the OP is CURRENTLY experiencing? Have you ever met an adult who's been put down and denied respect all their life? Not a good scenario....I say, move away, gently, yet decisively, and insist, when you meet, that you be treated respectfully, as any other human deserves

[Anonymous]

You may not believe me, but when she dies, all the issues you have with her will suddenly seem trivial and petty--not saying that they are, mind you, just saying that death puts things in real perspective.

This may have been your experience, but it is not universal. I'm the PP who reported that Mom died in her 50s. Although I was certainly sad, the event didn't suddenly erase decades of toxicity, mental abuse and apparent ill will -- none of which is trivial, by the way. It irrevocably shapes who you are.

OP should do whatever she needs feels she needs to do, and not simply take her lumps because her mother will die someday just as everyone does.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

You may not believe me, but when she dies, all the issues you have with her will suddenly seem trivial and petty--not saying that they are, mind you, just saying that death puts things in real perspective.

This may have been your experience, but it is not universal. I'm the PP who reported that Mom died in her 50s. Although I was certainly sad, the event didn't suddenly erase decades of toxicity, mental abuse and apparent ill will -- none of which is trivial, by the way. It irrevocably shapes who you are.

OP should do whatever she needs feels she needs to do, and not simply take her lumps because her mother will die someday just as everyone does.

exactly so!
To OP, and anyone else dealing with toxic parents/siblings/kids: you have only ONE life guaranteed...
you are worth protecting from this undeserved harm

[Anonymous]

I have a toxic mother and I am in therapy. I finally reached the point where I stopped expecting any of the "normal" things I thought a mother would offer - emotional support, an interest in her grandson, help out with babysitting when needed (I am a single working parent). I haven't shut her out of my life - but I have set limits on what I am willing to do to "please" my mother. I don't buy into guilt trips, I don't do anything that would overextend me. If she'd like to visit, I'd welcome her and I've kept the door open. She doesn't visit (she lives 1 hr away) but requests that I bring her grandson to her so she doesn't have to travel. Since more driving and having to get my 3 year old boy ready and out of the door is the last thing I need on the weekend, I don't. I finally got to the point where I realized that it didn't really matter to her that she hasn't seen her grandson for two months. I stopped being upset that she wasn't the kind of grandmother I was expecting, and in doing so, I stopped being upset that she wasn't the kind of mother that I was expecting either. Will I regret my choices when she is gone? I do wonder about this. But for now I am much more content and settled.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP should do whatever she needs feels she needs to do, and not simply take her lumps because her mother will die someday just as everyone does.

I don't think anyone is suggesting she should "simply take her lumps" but rather that trying harder to re-engage is also an alternative worth considering. Obviously everyone's situation is different, and only OP can know whether or not this is a real option for her.