BPD Mom vs. Teenage Daughter

[Anonymous]

Anyone bave suggestions for helping teenage daughter handle BPD Mom? Mom constantly denigrating and putting down daughter. I felt really sad last time we talked. I could here her mother in the background complaining what waste DD is. Mom overreacts to everything and everything is a confrontation. Example: school sends out weekly progress reports and if DD does not have an "A" then Mom completely loses it, putting DD in tears. Teens have enough pressure to deal w/o also having to manage moods of emotionally unstable parent. Any suggestions to help DD deal with this are welcome.

[Anonymous]

Are you the dad and are you divorced? If she's being verbally abused by her mother, she should live with you. I grew up with a BPD father, and I would never let my kids grow up in that kind of environment, especially if there is no other parent in the home.

If moving is truly not an option, I'd send her to a therapist so she has somebody safe to vent frustrations to and who can provide her with strategies to deal. I would also make sure she is on track academically to be able to be at college or trade school, whatever, so she can be out of the house at 18. By the time I was 16 I was counting the days until I could go to college, far, far away!

[Anonymous]

Yes, I am the Dad. We are separated. I live in another city right now, but am seeking for my company to transfer me to our DC area office so I can be closer.

One probably I've struggled with is my stepping into the conflict, whatever it is, tends to bring out the rage further in Mom. She is a very unhealthy person and I do not want her transferring her poison to DD.

[Anonymous]

Talk with your dd everyday. Let her know how much you love her. Be engaged with what's she's doing in school. Let her know that you are working on getting transferred to DC. Be her lifeline.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Talk with your dd everyday. Let her know how much you love her. Be engaged with what's she's doing in school. Let her know that you are working on getting transferred to DC. Be her lifeline.

This. Plus, make sure she understands that things will change. I love Dr. Drew on this type of issue - he reminds kids that college is just a few years away and that it gets better. Maybe see if you can introduce her to adults who have survived this kind of parent, people who can show her that a happy future is out there.

-- Signed, adult daughter of an NPD mom

[Anonymous]

My husband is BPD, and it helped me enormously (in terms of recovering some dignity) to read about BPD behavior.

We were pretty young when we met (undergrad-- so not that much older than your daughter), and there was usually a teensy twisted kernel of truth in the things he yelled at me (and everyone else) before the yelling went off the rails... so I sort of believed him. Understanding how the BPD raging is constructed and a bit of what's actually going on inside the BPD's head really helped me to see that I wasn't the piece of crap he claimed.

I think it might also be good for you to talk through the mom's-rage-is-her-not-you with your DD. As often as necessary.

And of course, help her maintain as much of a support network as you can-- friends and family. It's probably more socially acceptable for teens to complain about their moms than it is for abused women to let on that they're being mistreated. For me, the situation has been very isolating, because my neighbors who hear everything prefer to deal with my otherwise charming husband rather than his withdrawn wife, my old friendships have been cut off because DH objected to each one in turn, or because I "came out" and these women (who were happy to list their own problems) decided they didn't want to be involved. Would help, especially for a teen, to have the support of her peers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband is BPD, and it helped me enormously (in terms of recovering some dignity) to read about BPD behavior.

We were pretty young when we met (undergrad-- so not that much older than your daughter), and there was usually a teensy twisted kernel of truth in the things he yelled at me (and everyone else) before the yelling went off the rails... so I sort of believed him. Understanding how the BPD raging is constructed and a bit of what's actually going on inside the BPD's head really helped me to see that I wasn't the piece of crap he claimed.

I think it might also be good for you to talk through the mom's-rage-is-her-not-you with your DD. As often as necessary.

And of course, help her maintain as much of a support network as you can-- friends and family. It's probably more socially acceptable for teens to complain about their moms than it is for abused women to let on that they're being mistreated. For me, the situation has been very isolating, because my neighbors who hear everything prefer to deal with my otherwise charming husband rather than his withdrawn wife, my old friendships have been cut off because DH objected to each one in turn, or because I "came out" and these women (who were happy to list their own problems) decided they didn't want to be involved. Would help, especially for a teen, to have the support of her peers.

Don't give up on finding a support network, PP. Your circumstances sound oppressive, and you may be more affected than you realize. I really feel for you.

[Anonymous]

Does she come visit you? If so you could get some books for her to read about having a borderline parent. Sometimes seeing yourself in a book helps kids realize they aren't alone and it isn't about them.

this article lists three books. http://www.pamf.org/teen/nancy/survivebpd.html

There is also a great online community - http://bpdfamily.com/message_board/ I don't know if she would find reading and posting helpful.

[Anonymous]

Thanks.

[Anonymous]

You should have a conversation with her school counselor. Get her on their radar screen so they can keep an eye on things.