s/o if parents have offered you inheritance early...

[Anonymous]

DH and I are financially stable (poor compared to most DC standards, but stable income, etc) have great credit and low debt except for a very underwater mortgage. Our parents are all alive, in various stages of working/retirement, and quite comfortable financially. My parents support my sibling who is unable (aka unwilling) to support himself.
For a variety of reasons we would love to move (job proximity, schools, and space for DC#2). I think all grandparents are quite aware that DC#2's existence is entirely dependent on living space.
My parents have mentioned, once or twice in an offhand fashion, that they would be more than willing to "advance" us a portion of our "inheritance" if it would really benefit us more now... aka allowing us to move slightly closer to them, in a house which allowed them DGC#2 and a guest bedroom They have not mentioned amounts. They have compared it to the considerable sums they have spent supporting my sib (again, without numbers).
DH and I have debated the advisability of pursuing this further. While I have no doubt that my parents could spare the amount of cash needed to make all that happen (really, 75-100k would be huge) we are worried about the family impacts. Has anyone BTDT?
-How the hell do I bring this up? How the hell do I say, "So, how much are you comfortable with?"
-How the hell do I say, "Please be aware that we are thankful for your generosity, but this does not buy you rights to input on our decisions"
-Did you regret it later? Were there family repercussions, ie really, really uncomfortable Thanksgiving dinners, etc?

Our relationship with my parents is cordial, but not terribly close. They are not in the immediate area, geographically speaking.
The other thread talks about the high costs of being old and sick... not to sound awful but what if my parents spend everything on my sib? Which is not inconceivable.

[Anonymous]

This sounds like more of a family relationship question than a money question.

But I'm in a similar boat. Sibling who is chronically un- or under-employed, parents well off through a lifetime of frugal living. Whenever they give him anything, they give me the same sum. It's never been a question, just a quiet handing-over of a check, usually around Christmas. They don't phrase it as bailing him out, just "an advance on the inheritance". They haven't really tried to manage what I do with my share; just the usual helpful parent type advice, which I have taken in some cases and ignored in others, to no great conflict.

I can't speak to your family dynamic, but in my case, it's no bigger deal than I/ we make it. I occasionally say things like "Baby is so happy with her nanny-- thank you for making it possible." I don't account for every penny, but I do give them a vague idea of what we're doing with our windfall. And they know that we're not irresponsible. So it all works for us.

[Anonymous]

Take the money. If they are far away how much can they really do? Our parents paid for preschool, thank you mom!

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't do it. Particularly if they have already indicated a desire for you to be closer with a bedroom for them to visit. They could see it as implicit part of the deal. If you changed your mind and followed a different plan, where would that leave you and them?

[Anonymous]

I would take the money. If they can afford it, and they're going to give it to you anyway, why not allow them to gift it when it would really make your life easier (you need/would like a bigger house so you can have another baby--not really realistic in 20 years). It sounds like if they're helping your sibling it shouldn't be awkward. And also it's their choice to give you the money "early" anyway. You could wait for them to bring it up again or To bring it up you could just say, "we've been looking at houses and wondered if your offer to help was still open. It would make it possible for us to have a bigger place for another kid/guests. We'd be so grateful." And if they say yes, you can say "how much were you thinking so we know our price range?" I wouldn't say anything about them not getting input unless it becomes an issue. The guest room doesn't sound like an unreasonable request unless you don't want them staying with you--in which case maybe don't take the money.

[Anonymous]

DH's parents have made this easy on us - twice now they've made gifts (once was $20k; once was $15k) to all four of their children. So we've had a boost/bonus but it's been fairly distributed.

[Anonymous]

Each parent can give you each $14,000 this year (2013), without tax implications, for a total of $56,000 per year. They could give you between Dec and January then $112k. wow, that would be amazing for you.

My parents also hinted around but never followed through (I wanted them to just offer the check, don't make me ask!) but finally I did, we were just squeezed by terrible medical bills and school payments. My dad wrote me a check for $10,000. It was nice of them and they can just give my brother that much more at the end. We need it now.

[Anonymous]

My parents took a very similar approach when we had our first kid and needed to move to a bigger place. On our own, we could afford something in the boondocks - with their help, we could afford something much closer in. My parents didn't want to have to drive to Woodbridge or wherever in bumblesfuck we would have ended up. Again, they took the view that for our own happiness - and our kids - and theirs - helping us afford a place closer in made sense. Its worth noting though, financially, this really was no skin off their back. I wouldn't have felt half as comfortable otherwise.

I'm really glad I accepted. I'm happier living closer to my office - my commute is half that of my friends, I thus spend a lot more time with my kids and less time in the car - my parents can more easily visit which is (mostly) a plus, in that if we need babysitting or something happens or whatever they can be here in 30 minutes or less, the home is wonderful and big enough for us to have had our 2nd and 3rd kiddos, the backyard has a swing set and trampoline which we could never have had in some dinky townhome backyard. Etc.

Do it.

[Anonymous]

Are you all the same posters in the other threads complaining about having to assist your parents emotionally or financially in their old age. I am amazed at the number of people here saying "take the money" and the number of people in the other threads saying "my parents should attend to their own needs."

[Anonymous]

In life, when money is there for the taking, I take it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In life, when money is there for the taking, I take it.

Me too! And, when I have money, it's there for giving. (In other words, I won't complain if my parents need help from me in their old age. Whatever I have, they will be welcome to it.)

[Anonymous]

Take it. My wealthy mother actually became the mortgage lender on our first home. We had a loan written up and paid her monthly, with interest - she just didn't want us paying the bank when we'd eventually 'get it back' from her. I fought it at first, but she wanted to do it (otherwise we'd have had to live further away form her, etc) and it worked out fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you all the same posters in the other threads complaining about having to assist your parents emotionally or financially in their old age. I am amazed at the number of people here saying "take the money" and the number of people in the other threads saying "my parents should attend to their own needs."

First of all, she said her parents could afford it. Second of all, I'm a PP and no, I am not one of those. I would help support my parents or ILs in any way I could if needed. Generosity in family can go both ways. So can mooching. This does not sound like a case of mooching at all. The OP should consider that if her parents overextend themselves she may need to help in the future. But it sounds as though they anticipate leaving her money and want to give her some in advance of that so the entire family can get the most out of it. Sounds smarter than her parents squirreling it away and not being alive to see their daughter enjoy it in a lovely family home.

[Anonymous]

OP here... thanks all.
-My parents can definitely afford to gift us "something" and would never, ever part with more than they were comfortable with. They are very financially conservative, which is how they are so comfortable in their golden years after scrimping and saving and making do. So that's not a concern. If they said, "we're comfortable handing you $x" I have every reason to assume they will NEVER miss it.
-The "strings attached" is where it gets sticky. They know that we would use it to move. Due to various other factors, we would almost certainly wind up moving a bit closer to them (they are within a day's drive). We would love to at least have a pull out couch where we could host guests. Actually, that would be ideal - works, but you have to REALLY want to be there So those items are actually in line with our own priorities.
-I worry, perhaps unnecessarily, that the $ will imply that my parents (think they) get a say in exactly where we live, or picking one particular house over another, etc. It's the details. I don't really need them or anyone else worrying themselves with EXACTLY how much we paid or what interest rate we got or what rent we're getting for our current shoebox. I guess at that point the game is over and I can just evade... they can't take it back, right?
-I would be very surprised if they needed financial assistance in their old age, but I would not be against providing it (assuming deadbeat sib is not in the picture, sigh). They can't LIVE WITH us, but I would gladly pay for the very nicest retirement community we could afford And I'm not averse to seeing them more often - it's just that we're not super close, which is why I am hesitant to open this can of worms.

We moved when I was very young and my parents poured every cent into the new house. In the end they did not have the $$ to add the deck or get screens for the windows... something like that. They figured, we'll save up and do it in a couple years. Apparently my grandfather basically forced a check into my mother's hands and said, "I want to come over and have dinner on the back deck and enjoy time with my grandkids. Get off your high horse and take the @#$% money!" So there is family precedent. Maybe we are overthinking it.

Gah... and then we'll take the money, move, and have trouble TTC #2. It will become, "Hey, where's the grandkid we bought this house for?" haha

[Anonymous]

Don't forget that doing it beforehand saves acrimony over reading the will. My father was a probate attorney. Heirs whose parents gave it all away equitably beforehand definitely had an easier time of it than ones where they had to settle up the "advances" afterwards.