What is your relationship like with your adult son?
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Anonymous
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For those of you with adult sons, what is your relationship like?
I just found out that my 3rd child will be a boy (I will have 2 boys and 1 girl) and am wondering what the adult relationship is like with boys. I am one of three girls and only have my husband's semi-impersonal relationship with his mom as an example of what I have to look forward to with my sons. I realize that this will be dependent upon my personal relationship with each child and whether our personalities/interests mesh well, but I'd really like to hear from moms who have good relationships with their sons (i.e., are engaged and involved in their lives and have real, non-superficial relationships). How did you engender these relationships? What do you do with your sons (in terms of activities)? Thanks. |
Anonymous
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My son isn't yet grown. However, I do have 2 older brothers. One of them was my mom's favorite and the remained close her whole life. The other had nothing to do with her. She didn't much care for her girls, but in the months of her final illness an on her deathbed, her boys were not there to help her. Her girls were by her side. I pray for a different relationship with both of my children. I think a lot boils down to personalities, relationships with inlaws, distance, respect. Sadly, only time will tell.
Enjoy your son and delight in his life. You cannot control what happens in the future. Congratulations on your little boy. (If it helps, I cried when I found out I was having a boy. I had always wanted a little girl (I think to love her in a way that I was not loved). My son is the apple of my eye and I wouldn't trade him for the world. Things worked out best for me. I will treasure the moment and let the future unfold as it will.) Congrats, OP! |
Anonymous
| Well, I have two sons approaching adulthood (17, 20) and so far it's pretty great. The 20 year old is turning into a young man I am very proud of. He is strong, indendent, smart, and caring. Sometimes I worry that he doesn't need me now that he's grown, but then he'll call or visit and I know that even though the apron strings cannot remain, he still loves his Dad and me. |
Anonymous
PP here. Just wanted to add that boys can be fun growing up too! They really are less drama-intense (usually) than girls (I have a teenage DD too)! Also, my 17 yo son is a joy to be around most of the time. The only issue I have with boys is their propensity to leave the toilet seat up! 
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Anonymous
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My sons are 21 and 18, and I feel very fortunate to have a great relationship with them both. I also have a teen DD (like PP) and feel that we, too, have a strong and loving relationship. With sons or with daughters, I think it's important to listen to your children and respect their feelings -- even when you think they're completely irrational. Agood sense of humor helps a lot in this regard! And -- bottom line -- you have to put in the time.
When my sons were quite young my husband traveled a lot for work. It was tough, but the time I spent solo parenting really bonded us tightly. Even after DH's travel slowed down, I made an effort to spend time with the boys together and alone with each of them, and I showed an interest in whatever they enjoyed. I went to their games and meets, got to know their friends (I drove a lot of carpools), volunteered at school to support their activities, watched TV shows and movies that they liked (yes -- I have seen the entire Bourne series, as well as the Johnny English movies) and took one-on-one trips with each of them (including the college admissions road trips). I also tried to show them things that I cared about -- so, we visited museums of contemporary art, played tennis and did volunteer work together. I told them stories about my childhood and teen/YA years and introduced them to my old friends. I wanted them to know that I had gone though all the same confusion, dilemmas and missteps that they were experiencing. We talked about everything -- politics, pop music, history, YouTube videos, sports, etc. (Many of our best conversations took place in the car or late at night when I asked them if they wanted a snackbreak from doing homework.) It hasn't always been a smooth path and I have had to bite my tongue many times as they've strived for independence, but I can say that I am proud of them, that I think they know this, that we can speak to one another with honesty and affection, and that we have a lot of laughs. They attend the same college and I'm going up to see them in 3 weeks -- can't wait! |
Anonymous
I'm not your audience, but just to let you know - in my husband's and in my family, the sons were always so close to the parents, and still are as adults. Really wonderful relationships. The daughters had major ups and downs with their mothers that STILL go on into adulthood, even though they are ridiculous - and the daughters' faults, in my humble opinion. (Not me - my mother-daughter drama, albeit horrible and intense, diminished when I went to college, and by the time I graduated, we were close again.) 
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Anonymous
| I'm so glad I had a girl. My 4 brothers weren't close to my mom at all. All 4 of us girls were. |
Anonymous
And this is helpful to OP ... how? |
Anonymous
Not true in my case. Boys LOVE their mamas! |
Anonymous
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I have two grown sons - One is 23 and the other is 19. We are very close. I also have an adult daughter. We are close as well. But you've heard the saying...."A son is a son till he takes a wife. A daughter is a daughter for the rest of her life".
My oldest is engaged, and they spend way more time with her family than they do with ours. But that's just the way it is. You raise them hoping that they'll become independent and then when they do, you miss them like crazy. |
Anonymous
| OP here--thanks so much for these responses. I found the detailed responses on the activities some of you did to help nuture your relationships with your sons to be very helpful. I guess all I can really do is try to embrace this and be the best mom possible. |
Anonymous
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NP here. As long as you are in a healthy situation with your daughters (i.e.: they can literally live without you) - you are doing a good job. As for your sons, if your DIL likes you, you are doing above average
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Anonymous
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1936 ++
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Anonymous
I just don't think she should expect too much. They say boys stick with the wife's family when they get married.
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Anonymous
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My husband is one of two boys. Both our family and his brother's spend a ton of time with my in-laws -- it helps that we live close by, and that my mother-in-law is awesome. He talks to both his parents probably once a week, we vacation together every year, and we get together about once a month if not more. I'm hoping for the same when my three sons grow up!
That said, my husband doesn't have long phone conversations with his mom about his hopes and dreams like a daughter might. - but he's a pretty reserved guy, and doesn't really have those conversations with me either. My own three brothers were all close to my mom as well. When she died, I think they took it the hardest (especially one of my brothers, who had been her biggest tormentor as a kid). Even now, without my mom around to be the 'glue' that she always was, my brothers remain very close to me and my dad. We speak often, and we see them several times a year despite distance. If you have a warm, loving relationship with your children, and model a good example of healthy family dynamics (between you and your husband, and you and your extended family) I think it's reasonable to expect a fulfilling adult relationship with your sons. If you're a crazy controlling shrew who shuns your in-laws, and your sons end up being drawn to the same sort of woman, then you might be out of luck
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