Anonymous wrote:I can't see any benefits to remarriage for me at this life stage. Older people who seem most keen on remarriage are typically religious, looking for financial gain, or wealthy men who have fallen for a younger woman and want to have a family together. None of those things apply. My life is full, and while dating and companionship are appealing, marriage is not. I can't conceive of changing my mind on this point.
Don't project your mean spirited thinking at others. I'm a wealthy woman, but I do want to remarry in my 40s or 50s. Reasons are not to seek financial gain, but to build a life, plan retirement, medical care, travel together with a partner. Support each other in bad and good. I still believe that is possible. Of course you can do some of that with a boyfriend, but not being married makes long term planning harder. And I also have a good lawyer who can draft a prenup, and wouldn't marry until after at least 3 years of co-habilitation. I believe marriage is a great tool to raise kids but can also serve as a good middle age planning for the mutual well-being, if the partner is right.
I'm the PP. I admit life has made me cynical about second marriages, but not mean-spirited. Your post suggests a fourth category - a hopeless romantic. Reading and life suggests if either person has children, second marriages are not good for mutual well-being, as they bring conflicting loyalties and priorities.
I'm not a hopeless romantic. Marriage is a totally practical institute, and I had a long and rather successful first marriage. Yes, we both made mistakes but I selected my first husband wisely: we were both driven, professional and hard working. We both made tons of money during marriage, joined resources in child raising and building up wealth. Neither of us lost wealth after divorce: each had it multiplied many times over what our individual NW was prior to marriage. I dont have "multiple kids" still at home. I'm an empty nester with one child. I don't date men with more than one child either, and their child should be over 13 years of age. Don't date those who wouldn't want to co-habilite or remarry in a long term perspective.
You don't don't want a relationship, period. Others want it.
Not wanting to remarry is not the same as not wanting relationships.
RelationshipS in plural is the general common denominator for the PP commenters above, men and women. They are totally discouraged in committing and either just want switch partners every 2-3 years. This has nothing to do with building a life with someone, or joint future. They just want zero entanglements and an easy exit. Maybe for some it's tempting but for me to be happy I need to be the center of his universe and other way around.
And I have zero desire to date in my mid 50s looking for a new BF every 3 years. Seems too complicated and takes the lifetime from other important goals and people in my life, all that OLD dating.
I don't date men with multiple children (even college age), as I could see from these photos that kids are the center of their universe and I will always be secondary. I'm mid 40s, but I meet a lot of single never married slightly younger men, or men with one child who still want to commit. Of course if a guy has that many kids the women's role in his life would be limited to FWB (e.g. meeting on demand whenever he's available for a nice date followed by sex, maybe travel sometimes).
I want to have make a home with someone who I love in my space at some point (and no, he wouldn't need to buy it for me, I'm totally fine to equally contribute). I probably wouldn't marry outright, but would own a home with long term partner as a first step, and to see if we are able to coexist and enjoy it.
Man, the bolded makes be deeply pity those poor singleton kids of the men you date. What a nightmare!
Why? My parents are still married, and my adult siblings and I are not the center of their universe. My parents are in the more selfish phase of their retirement, as they are still healthy enough to enjoy sports and heavy traveling. We see them for holidays, plus maybe an additional week a year, and they check in on grandkids regularly, but we're not the center of their universe. I'm happy they're happy and living their lives while they can.
Finally a person with healthy attitude. These crazy dads whose only vacation is with his daughters who are themselves in their late 20s is just sick. This tells me he wasn't able to rebuild his life, is bitter after divorce and his daughters are not able to build healthy relationships either. My 17yo is more independent than that and would hate me even doing college visits with them, leaving alone going for a multi-weeks vacation overseas. They have their own life.
I think it’s weird that you think your child not wanting you to visit them and not wanting to vacation with you means you are the successful parent in this scenario
Maybe, but PP has a point. Divorced dads who are enmeshed with their adult children, especially daughters, are the worst. Once you've struggled through a relationship with such a man, you are on high alert. Enmeshed dad is not your run-of-the-mill nice guy dad who remains close to adult children. He's the dad who posts incessantly about adult children on social media and treats them as peers rather than children, including sharing aspects of your relationship with them. In one case he wore their logo-ed college attire on every date, and the conversation was 95% about his kids. It's just not who I want to spend my time with, and I understand where PP is coming from. We all need different things out of relationships and later in life, there are more complications to sort out. Unlike PP who only dates men with one or no children, I’m just not getting married ever again, though I’d be open to less committed relationships.
I’m pretty independent so an “enmeshed dad” sounds great. Plus, you know, it’s actually a good personal quality to be close to your family. I probably would need to get along well with his kids though.
No, the new partner shouldn't be tasked with getting along with anyone's grown up adult kids. This is the parents' responsibility to ensure kids are not aggressive towards the new partners and give space
Um what? You sound frankly awful and I think you should limit yourself to dating childless men.
Why? I'm not there to parent adults who already have parents. My child gets resources they need from both parents and I won't expect my partners to get involved or even be introduced, unless it gets to remarriage. Of course I'll be friendly and make a nice holiday dinner for them if they visit, but I will absolutely no allow anyone to drag me into someone's family drama
Because you sound actively hostile towards the family members of the people you date, as a basic principle? Just an impression! Sounds like you’re either going to find a very distant father to date (cold fish) or pull the princess act to alienate him from his kids.
That's your interpretation (probably, own fears that father of your kids might split his attention with his new partner). I just know that it's better to maintain neutrality as a step, that's all. And I'll never date anyone who gives me a vibe that his kids will be always a priority over me
Do you really expect to be a priority over someone’s children? I’m in the process of divorcing and I have two children. There’s no way anyone I meet at any point will ever take priority over them and I wouldn’t expect to be prioritized over anyone else’s children. I wouldn’t trust a man who could prioritize me over his own children.
It’s one thing to say that he should make time for us. It’s another say that he should put his kids—who have only one dad—second to me. My goal is to get to know the children, to learn to love them as if they’re mine, and to win them over with consistent kindness and sincerity. Anyone who isn’t interested in doing the same with my children isn’t going to last.
Can I set you up with my ex, lol. He’s kind of a mess but you sound like a good stepmother.
LOL. Funnily enough, a former client of mine tried to set me up with her ex because she said she’d prefer me to anyone her ex could choose as her kids’ stepmother. Her ex was up for it too even though I tore him a new one during their divorce! I don’t know why anyone wouldn’t embrace the children when dating someone with kids.
Anonymous wrote:I can't see any benefits to remarriage for me at this life stage. Older people who seem most keen on remarriage are typically religious, looking for financial gain, or wealthy men who have fallen for a younger woman and want to have a family together. None of those things apply. My life is full, and while dating and companionship are appealing, marriage is not. I can't conceive of changing my mind on this point.
Don't project your mean spirited thinking at others. I'm a wealthy woman, but I do want to remarry in my 40s or 50s. Reasons are not to seek financial gain, but to build a life, plan retirement, medical care, travel together with a partner. Support each other in bad and good. I still believe that is possible. Of course you can do some of that with a boyfriend, but not being married makes long term planning harder. And I also have a good lawyer who can draft a prenup, and wouldn't marry until after at least 3 years of co-habilitation. I believe marriage is a great tool to raise kids but can also serve as a good middle age planning for the mutual well-being, if the partner is right.
I'm the PP. I admit life has made me cynical about second marriages, but not mean-spirited. Your post suggests a fourth category - a hopeless romantic. Reading and life suggests if either person has children, second marriages are not good for mutual well-being, as they bring conflicting loyalties and priorities.
I'm not a hopeless romantic. Marriage is a totally practical institute, and I had a long and rather successful first marriage. Yes, we both made mistakes but I selected my first husband wisely: we were both driven, professional and hard working. We both made tons of money during marriage, joined resources in child raising and building up wealth. Neither of us lost wealth after divorce: each had it multiplied many times over what our individual NW was prior to marriage. I dont have "multiple kids" still at home. I'm an empty nester with one child. I don't date men with more than one child either, and their child should be over 13 years of age. Don't date those who wouldn't want to co-habilite or remarry in a long term perspective.
You don't don't want a relationship, period. Others want it.
Not wanting to remarry is not the same as not wanting relationships.
RelationshipS in plural is the general common denominator for the PP commenters above, men and women. They are totally discouraged in committing and either just want switch partners every 2-3 years. This has nothing to do with building a life with someone, or joint future. They just want zero entanglements and an easy exit. Maybe for some it's tempting but for me to be happy I need to be the center of his universe and other way around.
And I have zero desire to date in my mid 50s looking for a new BF every 3 years. Seems too complicated and takes the lifetime from other important goals and people in my life, all that OLD dating.
I don't date men with multiple children (even college age), as I could see from these photos that kids are the center of their universe and I will always be secondary. I'm mid 40s, but I meet a lot of single never married slightly younger men, or men with one child who still want to commit. Of course if a guy has that many kids the women's role in his life would be limited to FWB (e.g. meeting on demand whenever he's available for a nice date followed by sex, maybe travel sometimes).
I want to have make a home with someone who I love in my space at some point (and no, he wouldn't need to buy it for me, I'm totally fine to equally contribute). I probably wouldn't marry outright, but would own a home with long term partner as a first step, and to see if we are able to coexist and enjoy it.
Man, the bolded makes be deeply pity those poor singleton kids of the men you date. What a nightmare!
Why? My parents are still married, and my adult siblings and I are not the center of their universe. My parents are in the more selfish phase of their retirement, as they are still healthy enough to enjoy sports and heavy traveling. We see them for holidays, plus maybe an additional week a year, and they check in on grandkids regularly, but we're not the center of their universe. I'm happy they're happy and living their lives while they can.
Finally a person with healthy attitude. These crazy dads whose only vacation is with his daughters who are themselves in their late 20s is just sick. This tells me he wasn't able to rebuild his life, is bitter after divorce and his daughters are not able to build healthy relationships either. My 17yo is more independent than that and would hate me even doing college visits with them, leaving alone going for a multi-weeks vacation overseas. They have their own life.
I think it’s weird that you think your child not wanting you to visit them and not wanting to vacation with you means you are the successful parent in this scenario
Maybe, but PP has a point. Divorced dads who are enmeshed with their adult children, especially daughters, are the worst. Once you've struggled through a relationship with such a man, you are on high alert. Enmeshed dad is not your run-of-the-mill nice guy dad who remains close to adult children. He's the dad who posts incessantly about adult children on social media and treats them as peers rather than children, including sharing aspects of your relationship with them. In one case he wore their logo-ed college attire on every date, and the conversation was 95% about his kids. It's just not who I want to spend my time with, and I understand where PP is coming from. We all need different things out of relationships and later in life, there are more complications to sort out. Unlike PP who only dates men with one or no children, I’m just not getting married ever again, though I’d be open to less committed relationships.
I’m pretty independent so an “enmeshed dad” sounds great. Plus, you know, it’s actually a good personal quality to be close to your family. I probably would need to get along well with his kids though.
No, the new partner shouldn't be tasked with getting along with anyone's grown up adult kids. This is the parents' responsibility to ensure kids are not aggressive towards the new partners and give space
Um what? You sound frankly awful and I think you should limit yourself to dating childless men.
Why? I'm not there to parent adults who already have parents. My child gets resources they need from both parents and I won't expect my partners to get involved or even be introduced, unless it gets to remarriage. Of course I'll be friendly and make a nice holiday dinner for them if they visit, but I will absolutely no allow anyone to drag me into someone's family drama
Because you sound actively hostile towards the family members of the people you date, as a basic principle? Just an impression! Sounds like you’re either going to find a very distant father to date (cold fish) or pull the princess act to alienate him from his kids.
That's your interpretation (probably, own fears that father of your kids might split his attention with his new partner). I just know that it's better to maintain neutrality as a step, that's all. And I'll never date anyone who gives me a vibe that his kids will be always a priority over me
Do you really expect to be a priority over someone’s children? I’m in the process of divorcing and I have two children. There’s no way anyone I meet at any point will ever take priority over them and I wouldn’t expect to be prioritized over anyone else’s children. I wouldn’t trust a man who could prioritize me over his own children.
It’s one thing to say that he should make time for us. It’s another say that he should put his kids—who have only one dad—second to me. My goal is to get to know the children, to learn to love them as if they’re mine, and to win them over with consistent kindness and sincerity. Anyone who isn’t interested in doing the same with my children isn’t going to last.
You probably have young kids. Of course I would be kind to my partner’s kids but as they are likely to be adults and my child is an adult, it’s not my task to “win” them over. I wouldn’t expect him to prioritize me over children. That’s a wrong premise: my partner shouldn’t be thinking in these terms at all. He needs to be thinking that partnering for the rest of his life is equally important to him as maintaining his connection with adult kids. And if we date seriously his weekends need to be mostly free to spend time with me; he shouldn’t be interrupted by constant errands from his exW or adult kids; shouldn’t spend most of his UL on vacationing with adult kids. I would consider it abnormal attachment. My child is important to me, but I wouldn’t sacrifice my personal life in middle age to servicing a full bodied employed adult. Thankfully my child is independent and understands I will benefit from not being single for the rest of my life
If I had younger kids I wouldn’t even try dating as it would take the most important time with my kids while still at home with me.
PP here. I would work hard to win over children of any age. No matter how old a person is, their parent is their parent. That relationship is sensitive and unique, and anyone entering that situation should lead with love. That means reassuring the child through action that you care, that you intend to add to their life and not supplant them, and that you know they matter. Why would I claim
to love someone and then disregard their child, who is perhaps the most important part of them? Love the man, love his children.
That’s a great idea: divorced dads should also use it and embrace dating moms and love their children as own
Anonymous wrote:I mean ... why bother? Why take a vow to love and cherish on one person forever, when you already took that vow? And it clearly didn't take? It's 2024 -- you can share your life with someone nowadays without partaking in a misogynistic institution anyway.
Marriage: the misogynistic institution that is … somehow the central goal of many young women’s lives.
Anonymous wrote:I can't see any benefits to remarriage for me at this life stage. Older people who seem most keen on remarriage are typically religious, looking for financial gain, or wealthy men who have fallen for a younger woman and want to have a family together. None of those things apply. My life is full, and while dating and companionship are appealing, marriage is not. I can't conceive of changing my mind on this point.
Don't project your mean spirited thinking at others. I'm a wealthy woman, but I do want to remarry in my 40s or 50s. Reasons are not to seek financial gain, but to build a life, plan retirement, medical care, travel together with a partner. Support each other in bad and good. I still believe that is possible. Of course you can do some of that with a boyfriend, but not being married makes long term planning harder. And I also have a good lawyer who can draft a prenup, and wouldn't marry until after at least 3 years of co-habilitation. I believe marriage is a great tool to raise kids but can also serve as a good middle age planning for the mutual well-being, if the partner is right.
I'm the PP. I admit life has made me cynical about second marriages, but not mean-spirited. Your post suggests a fourth category - a hopeless romantic. Reading and life suggests if either person has children, second marriages are not good for mutual well-being, as they bring conflicting loyalties and priorities.
I'm not a hopeless romantic. Marriage is a totally practical institute, and I had a long and rather successful first marriage. Yes, we both made mistakes but I selected my first husband wisely: we were both driven, professional and hard working. We both made tons of money during marriage, joined resources in child raising and building up wealth. Neither of us lost wealth after divorce: each had it multiplied many times over what our individual NW was prior to marriage. I dont have "multiple kids" still at home. I'm an empty nester with one child. I don't date men with more than one child either, and their child should be over 13 years of age. Don't date those who wouldn't want to co-habilite or remarry in a long term perspective.
You don't don't want a relationship, period. Others want it.
Not wanting to remarry is not the same as not wanting relationships.
RelationshipS in plural is the general common denominator for the PP commenters above, men and women. They are totally discouraged in committing and either just want switch partners every 2-3 years. This has nothing to do with building a life with someone, or joint future. They just want zero entanglements and an easy exit. Maybe for some it's tempting but for me to be happy I need to be the center of his universe and other way around.
And I have zero desire to date in my mid 50s looking for a new BF every 3 years. Seems too complicated and takes the lifetime from other important goals and people in my life, all that OLD dating.
I don't date men with multiple children (even college age), as I could see from these photos that kids are the center of their universe and I will always be secondary. I'm mid 40s, but I meet a lot of single never married slightly younger men, or men with one child who still want to commit. Of course if a guy has that many kids the women's role in his life would be limited to FWB (e.g. meeting on demand whenever he's available for a nice date followed by sex, maybe travel sometimes).
I want to have make a home with someone who I love in my space at some point (and no, he wouldn't need to buy it for me, I'm totally fine to equally contribute). I probably wouldn't marry outright, but would own a home with long term partner as a first step, and to see if we are able to coexist and enjoy it.
Man, the bolded makes be deeply pity those poor singleton kids of the men you date. What a nightmare!
Why? My parents are still married, and my adult siblings and I are not the center of their universe. My parents are in the more selfish phase of their retirement, as they are still healthy enough to enjoy sports and heavy traveling. We see them for holidays, plus maybe an additional week a year, and they check in on grandkids regularly, but we're not the center of their universe. I'm happy they're happy and living their lives while they can.
Finally a person with healthy attitude. These crazy dads whose only vacation is with his daughters who are themselves in their late 20s is just sick. This tells me he wasn't able to rebuild his life, is bitter after divorce and his daughters are not able to build healthy relationships either. My 17yo is more independent than that and would hate me even doing college visits with them, leaving alone going for a multi-weeks vacation overseas. They have their own life.
I think it’s weird that you think your child not wanting you to visit them and not wanting to vacation with you means you are the successful parent in this scenario
Maybe, but PP has a point. Divorced dads who are enmeshed with their adult children, especially daughters, are the worst. Once you've struggled through a relationship with such a man, you are on high alert. Enmeshed dad is not your run-of-the-mill nice guy dad who remains close to adult children. He's the dad who posts incessantly about adult children on social media and treats them as peers rather than children, including sharing aspects of your relationship with them. In one case he wore their logo-ed college attire on every date, and the conversation was 95% about his kids. It's just not who I want to spend my time with, and I understand where PP is coming from. We all need different things out of relationships and later in life, there are more complications to sort out. Unlike PP who only dates men with one or no children, I’m just not getting married ever again, though I’d be open to less committed relationships.
I’m pretty independent so an “enmeshed dad” sounds great. Plus, you know, it’s actually a good personal quality to be close to your family. I probably would need to get along well with his kids though.
No, the new partner shouldn't be tasked with getting along with anyone's grown up adult kids. This is the parents' responsibility to ensure kids are not aggressive towards the new partners and give space
Um what? You sound frankly awful and I think you should limit yourself to dating childless men.
Why? I'm not there to parent adults who already have parents. My child gets resources they need from both parents and I won't expect my partners to get involved or even be introduced, unless it gets to remarriage. Of course I'll be friendly and make a nice holiday dinner for them if they visit, but I will absolutely no allow anyone to drag me into someone's family drama
Because you sound actively hostile towards the family members of the people you date, as a basic principle? Just an impression! Sounds like you’re either going to find a very distant father to date (cold fish) or pull the princess act to alienate him from his kids.
That's your interpretation (probably, own fears that father of your kids might split his attention with his new partner). I just know that it's better to maintain neutrality as a step, that's all. And I'll never date anyone who gives me a vibe that his kids will be always a priority over me
Do you really expect to be a priority over someone’s children? I’m in the process of divorcing and I have two children. There’s no way anyone I meet at any point will ever take priority over them and I wouldn’t expect to be prioritized over anyone else’s children. I wouldn’t trust a man who could prioritize me over his own children.
It’s one thing to say that he should make time for us. It’s another say that he should put his kids—who have only one dad—second to me. My goal is to get to know the children, to learn to love them as if they’re mine, and to win them over with consistent kindness and sincerity. Anyone who isn’t interested in doing the same with my children isn’t going to last.
You probably have young kids. Of course I would be kind to my partner’s kids but as they are likely to be adults and my child is an adult, it’s not my task to “win” them over. I wouldn’t expect him to prioritize me over children. That’s a wrong premise: my partner shouldn’t be thinking in these terms at all. He needs to be thinking that partnering for the rest of his life is equally important to him as maintaining his connection with adult kids. And if we date seriously his weekends need to be mostly free to spend time with me; he shouldn’t be interrupted by constant errands from his exW or adult kids; shouldn’t spend most of his UL on vacationing with adult kids. I would consider it abnormal attachment. My child is important to me, but I wouldn’t sacrifice my personal life in middle age to servicing a full bodied employed adult. Thankfully my child is independent and understands I will benefit from not being single for the rest of my life
If I had younger kids I wouldn’t even try dating as it would take the most important time with my kids while still at home with me.
You sound incredibly cold and an immature. A pretty repulsive combination.
Not at all - I’m just being realistic. People who say outright they prioritize their kids over partners are not LTR material. These are completely different types of human relationships, parent-child and romantic ones. And the person I date should have enough love left in his heart and time in their disposal for all these important relationships in their life. “Prioritization” is not the right term from the starters, unless they have young kids who still need a lot of support.
Best approach for a step mother is to focus on a relationship with her partner, and maintain friendly neutral relationship with adult steps
Nobody (except the parents of young kids) says “I prioritize my kids over my partner.” That only becomes a question to ask because extremely jealous & immature women force the issue. Meanwhile the rest of us normal people know that everything is a balance and forcing a man to declare that his girlfriend is a priority over his kids is just gross.
Nobody said that a GF should be a priority over kids. It was in a response to many PP who wrote their kids will be an always a priority. I’ll never date seriously or put my heart into anyone with this attitude.
Don't date, and certainly don't marry, people with kids and avoid all this fictitious drama to begin with. If you're the PP with only one child, you can find a childless man to date. As has been made abundantly clear on this post, stepmothers are hated by all. You can't win. You will be unhappy. Just don't do it.
Yes, I learned it from my own experience. Since then, I always find suitable men to date with no kids or with one grown up child and healthier attitudes. I have one grown up kid, no desire to go up with the number of the man’s kids, and backward with their age.
But you are obviously not super successful in dating given that you’re still looking.
I have more financial security alone than in a marriage.
I feel more connected to my friends and extended family alone than in a marriage.
And, I can meet any physical desires outside of a marriage.
But most of all, you’re alone because no man wants to marry you.
I’m not the PP and I’m happily married, but this just doesn’t match what I see for financially independent single middle-aged women. They are turning down suitors, not the other way. I think this PP must be an angry man who has been rejected.
Anonymous wrote:I can't see any benefits to remarriage for me at this life stage. Older people who seem most keen on remarriage are typically religious, looking for financial gain, or wealthy men who have fallen for a younger woman and want to have a family together. None of those things apply. My life is full, and while dating and companionship are appealing, marriage is not. I can't conceive of changing my mind on this point.
Don't project your mean spirited thinking at others. I'm a wealthy woman, but I do want to remarry in my 40s or 50s. Reasons are not to seek financial gain, but to build a life, plan retirement, medical care, travel together with a partner. Support each other in bad and good. I still believe that is possible. Of course you can do some of that with a boyfriend, but not being married makes long term planning harder. And I also have a good lawyer who can draft a prenup, and wouldn't marry until after at least 3 years of co-habilitation. I believe marriage is a great tool to raise kids but can also serve as a good middle age planning for the mutual well-being, if the partner is right.
I'm the PP. I admit life has made me cynical about second marriages, but not mean-spirited. Your post suggests a fourth category - a hopeless romantic. Reading and life suggests if either person has children, second marriages are not good for mutual well-being, as they bring conflicting loyalties and priorities.
I'm not a hopeless romantic. Marriage is a totally practical institute, and I had a long and rather successful first marriage. Yes, we both made mistakes but I selected my first husband wisely: we were both driven, professional and hard working. We both made tons of money during marriage, joined resources in child raising and building up wealth. Neither of us lost wealth after divorce: each had it multiplied many times over what our individual NW was prior to marriage. I dont have "multiple kids" still at home. I'm an empty nester with one child. I don't date men with more than one child either, and their child should be over 13 years of age. Don't date those who wouldn't want to co-habilite or remarry in a long term perspective.
You don't don't want a relationship, period. Others want it.
Not wanting to remarry is not the same as not wanting relationships.
RelationshipS in plural is the general common denominator for the PP commenters above, men and women. They are totally discouraged in committing and either just want switch partners every 2-3 years. This has nothing to do with building a life with someone, or joint future. They just want zero entanglements and an easy exit. Maybe for some it's tempting but for me to be happy I need to be the center of his universe and other way around.
And I have zero desire to date in my mid 50s looking for a new BF every 3 years. Seems too complicated and takes the lifetime from other important goals and people in my life, all that OLD dating.
I don't date men with multiple children (even college age), as I could see from these photos that kids are the center of their universe and I will always be secondary. I'm mid 40s, but I meet a lot of single never married slightly younger men, or men with one child who still want to commit. Of course if a guy has that many kids the women's role in his life would be limited to FWB (e.g. meeting on demand whenever he's available for a nice date followed by sex, maybe travel sometimes).
I want to have make a home with someone who I love in my space at some point (and no, he wouldn't need to buy it for me, I'm totally fine to equally contribute). I probably wouldn't marry outright, but would own a home with long term partner as a first step, and to see if we are able to coexist and enjoy it.
Man, the bolded makes be deeply pity those poor singleton kids of the men you date. What a nightmare!
Why? My parents are still married, and my adult siblings and I are not the center of their universe. My parents are in the more selfish phase of their retirement, as they are still healthy enough to enjoy sports and heavy traveling. We see them for holidays, plus maybe an additional week a year, and they check in on grandkids regularly, but we're not the center of their universe. I'm happy they're happy and living their lives while they can.
Finally a person with healthy attitude. These crazy dads whose only vacation is with his daughters who are themselves in their late 20s is just sick. This tells me he wasn't able to rebuild his life, is bitter after divorce and his daughters are not able to build healthy relationships either. My 17yo is more independent than that and would hate me even doing college visits with them, leaving alone going for a multi-weeks vacation overseas. They have their own life.
I think it’s weird that you think your child not wanting you to visit them and not wanting to vacation with you means you are the successful parent in this scenario
Maybe, but PP has a point. Divorced dads who are enmeshed with their adult children, especially daughters, are the worst. Once you've struggled through a relationship with such a man, you are on high alert. Enmeshed dad is not your run-of-the-mill nice guy dad who remains close to adult children. He's the dad who posts incessantly about adult children on social media and treats them as peers rather than children, including sharing aspects of your relationship with them. In one case he wore their logo-ed college attire on every date, and the conversation was 95% about his kids. It's just not who I want to spend my time with, and I understand where PP is coming from. We all need different things out of relationships and later in life, there are more complications to sort out. Unlike PP who only dates men with one or no children, I’m just not getting married ever again, though I’d be open to less committed relationships.
I’m pretty independent so an “enmeshed dad” sounds great. Plus, you know, it’s actually a good personal quality to be close to your family. I probably would need to get along well with his kids though.
No, the new partner shouldn't be tasked with getting along with anyone's grown up adult kids. This is the parents' responsibility to ensure kids are not aggressive towards the new partners and give space
Um what? You sound frankly awful and I think you should limit yourself to dating childless men.
Why? I'm not there to parent adults who already have parents. My child gets resources they need from both parents and I won't expect my partners to get involved or even be introduced, unless it gets to remarriage. Of course I'll be friendly and make a nice holiday dinner for them if they visit, but I will absolutely no allow anyone to drag me into someone's family drama
Because you sound actively hostile towards the family members of the people you date, as a basic principle? Just an impression! Sounds like you’re either going to find a very distant father to date (cold fish) or pull the princess act to alienate him from his kids.
That's your interpretation (probably, own fears that father of your kids might split his attention with his new partner). I just know that it's better to maintain neutrality as a step, that's all. And I'll never date anyone who gives me a vibe that his kids will be always a priority over me
Do you really expect to be a priority over someone’s children? I’m in the process of divorcing and I have two children. There’s no way anyone I meet at any point will ever take priority over them and I wouldn’t expect to be prioritized over anyone else’s children. I wouldn’t trust a man who could prioritize me over his own children.
It’s one thing to say that he should make time for us. It’s another say that he should put his kids—who have only one dad—second to me. My goal is to get to know the children, to learn to love them as if they’re mine, and to win them over with consistent kindness and sincerity. Anyone who isn’t interested in doing the same with my children isn’t going to last.
You probably have young kids. Of course I would be kind to my partner’s kids but as they are likely to be adults and my child is an adult, it’s not my task to “win” them over. I wouldn’t expect him to prioritize me over children. That’s a wrong premise: my partner shouldn’t be thinking in these terms at all. He needs to be thinking that partnering for the rest of his life is equally important to him as maintaining his connection with adult kids. And if we date seriously his weekends need to be mostly free to spend time with me; he shouldn’t be interrupted by constant errands from his exW or adult kids; shouldn’t spend most of his UL on vacationing with adult kids. I would consider it abnormal attachment. My child is important to me, but I wouldn’t sacrifice my personal life in middle age to servicing a full bodied employed adult. Thankfully my child is independent and understands I will benefit from not being single for the rest of my life
If I had younger kids I wouldn’t even try dating as it would take the most important time with my kids while still at home with me.
You sound incredibly cold and an immature. A pretty repulsive combination.
Not at all - I’m just being realistic. People who say outright they prioritize their kids over partners are not LTR material. These are completely different types of human relationships, parent-child and romantic ones. And the person I date should have enough love left in his heart and time in their disposal for all these important relationships in their life. “Prioritization” is not the right term from the starters, unless they have young kids who still need a lot of support.
Best approach for a step mother is to focus on a relationship with her partner, and maintain friendly neutral relationship with adult steps
Nobody (except the parents of young kids) says “I prioritize my kids over my partner.” That only becomes a question to ask because extremely jealous & immature women force the issue. Meanwhile the rest of us normal people know that everything is a balance and forcing a man to declare that his girlfriend is a priority over his kids is just gross.
Nobody said that a GF should be a priority over kids. It was in a response to many PP who wrote their kids will be an always a priority. I’ll never date seriously or put my heart into anyone with this attitude.
Don't date, and certainly don't marry, people with kids and avoid all this fictitious drama to begin with. If you're the PP with only one child, you can find a childless man to date. As has been made abundantly clear on this post, stepmothers are hated by all. You can't win. You will be unhappy. Just don't do it.
Yes, I learned it from my own experience. Since then, I always find suitable men to date with no kids or with one grown up child and healthier attitudes. I have one grown up kid, no desire to go up with the number of the man’s kids, and backward with their age.
But you are obviously not super successful in dating given that you’re still looking.
I haven't met the person I would fall into (what I'm looking for first and foremost). But plenty of men who meet these expectations and are overly attractive. At some point I'll either meet that special person or settle for a companionship.
Anonymous wrote:I feel like I see so many posts from people who are considering divorce or divorced and say they have no expectations of remarriage and neither should anyone else considering divorce. Is that because their experience was so terrible that they are skeptical a new experience will be different? Or because marriage for them was always just about kids and pointless if kids aren't involved? Or because they don't want to be on the hook for taking care of a new older person? Or because they dont think anyone worthwhile will want to marry a 40/50/60/70 something man/ woman etc? or other.
Because, lesson learned. Why would I want to be a slave to a man again? I'm not looking for kids and I don't need a provider. And I'd rather die than linger in a situation where I need someone to take care of me (i.e. disabled/dependent). I'd rather die early.
I'll do what I want, when I want, where what I want, eat what I want, have sex when I want, sleep when I'm tired and not beg someone to find a way to mitigate his snoring. Who then gets MAD at ME for sleeping elsewhere (like the couch) where it's quiet. I'll be as messy as I want. And sex is a choice, not an obligation. And there's no complaints about me not making it "exciting enough" the 1000th time we have sex.
You want exciting? Go have another affair mister. She can keep you!
Anonymous wrote:I have spent thirty years taking care of everyone's needs except my own. I have zero interest in taking on more.
Say it again sister! Done!
Yes! I want to be able to do whatever the heck I want.
My married parents do what they want, I do what I want, my spouse does what he wants. Lots of spouses do what they want. You just don’t know what you want.
My ex would complain, be sad, act out like a child if I did what I wanted, it it wasn't what *he wanted. Or vice versa - if I didn't want to do his thing, he'd pout. And if I didn't care about the pouting, he'd intensify his antics until they could not be ignored.
No, no no. Obviously I cannot pick good partners and I'm not going through it again.
Anonymous wrote:The broke @ss women without good (or any) careers or alimony look to remarry as quickly as possible.
You would be surprised, actually! I heard a story from my dates how career women in the 50s (featured in Forbes) are questioning men if they are marriage positive on first date
And that's fine! The OPs question was to those of us who feel differently.
Anonymous wrote:I'm just so intrigued why most people on this thread got married to begin with. were you never excited about love and companionship and it was always pragmatic? Understanding the rationale behind those who have been hurt for sure. But was marriage always just pragmatism? to me, there was an idea that you would find a 'soul mate' and just because you didn't the first time around, does that mean that idea is dead? or never existed to begin with?
I'm sure we got married because we were young and in love.
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}