Why are people here so averse to pushing their kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I posted this as a comment on another thread, but I think it's odd how many posters here are averse to pushing their kid and having them develop an amazing work ethic (the #1 key to success!) all because they're worried that they'll harm their fragile snowflake's "mental health."


I demand that my kid (who is of fairly average intelligence -- 110 IQ) take the most rigorous classes offered at their school (a "W" school), try their best to get straight As (so far successful except for 1 B sophomore year), participate in a sport, play an instrument, work a (crappy, minimum wage) summer job, and be active in community service. DC doesn't want to do any of this (they are naturally very lazy), but I push them academically and extracurricularly because it forms a well-rounded human being. Not for the sake of college admissions, not for the sake of impressing an AO, but for the sake of developing a work ethic that'll launch them into success in college and beyond. Too many Americans these days lack a strong work ethic.

And for some reason, the parents on here think that all of this will destroy my kid's mental health. The best thing you can do for your kid's mental health is to build grit and resilience, as well as normalize failure. That's why I demand that my kid try their best at activities that are naturally outside of their comfort zone. It seems as though this is a common approach to successful and well-rounded kids; the ones who are the healthiest and happiest in DC's friend group are the ones who are pushed by their parents to do things outside of their comfort zone while normalizing failure and not being the best at everything you do. And the ones in DC's friend group with the most mental health issues are the ones with coddling parents who try to shelter their kid from every potential failure while not pushing them to step outside of their comfort zone.

You might get further without the argumentative finger-pointing, but all in all I think this is a great [& research-backed] approach.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why not let kids just chillax and be themselves?

'Being themselves' = YouTubing, shapchating, minecrafting and/or robloxing 24/7

[Anonymous]

I dislike conversations like this because terms are never defined. I know what it's like to hardly push my kid because my oldest is highly defiant and pushing has a *major* negative impact on their mental health, plus it usually backfires. The only things I insist upon is hygiene and house rules like not eating outside eating areas, and even those sometimes backfire.

I do feel like I push the younger one. I don't let him quit the sport he says he says he doesn't like. I insist he learn times tables and states and capitals. When we homeschooled I was a really demanding teacher. He doesn't have homework yet but I am sure next year I will be asking about due dates, making sure his math work is done precisely and neatly, etc.

But all I do with the sport is drop him off once a week and pick him up an hour later. I let him play online games for hours on the weekend. I have no plans to expect him to get straight As, etc.

So am I pushing? I dunno, depends on your definition.

[Anonymous]

I agree OP, I fight with my husband about this. Ge thinks they will wake up one day and “get it.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why not let kids just chillax and be themselves?

'Being themselves' = YouTubing, shapchating, minecrafting and/or robloxing 24/7

Why do ppl always say this? Parents cannot allow or limit all of this

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree OP, I fight with my husband about this. Ge thinks they will wake up one day and “get it.”

They will "get it" when they are 30 and are unable to put a downpayment on a house and their classmates will have much more impressive careers than they.

[Anonymous]

I don’t know. I have a weird, anxious, super introverted kid I love. They’re awesome. They don’t play sports. Never have. Husband and I don’t either. We walk for exercise. I don’t get this obsession everyone has with team sports. It’s strange. Adults around me still flying their Virginia Tech signs like it matters? You’re 45.

My kid takes pretty much all AP and honors courses, but that’s because she does well at them. That’s the only place where my “pushing” really works…to make her keep the grades up. Otherwise, most of my pushing is focused on my kid making more friends, which is really hard got them—and the pushing doesn’t even work. I’m always telling myself I’m going to stop, and then I find myself doing it again.

I have a pretty weird relationship with my parents, who I know loved me, but have always made me feel like I’m disappointing. They expected great things out of me, and I’m just an average person, and they never really let me forget it. I would rather not have that kind of relationship with my own child.

As my child gets closer to college, I’m also starting to wonder what all the insanity is for. Someone told me their kid was applying to Vanderbilt and it’s really hard to get into Vanderbilt, and I was like…is it? I mean, who cares? Is it really going to matter that much in the long run? That’s how I’m starting to see a lot of things. I have a friend who has such a great relationship with his family. And they are just supportive and non judgmental, and man….I hope my could end up having that kind of relationship with me. I think some people are naturally going to be gregarious and put themselves out there, and some people aren’t like that. And that’s my god created computer science.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know. I have a weird, anxious, super introverted kid I love. They’re awesome. They don’t play sports. Never have. Husband and I don’t either. We walk for exercise. I don’t get this obsession everyone has with team sports. It’s strange. Adults around me still flying their Virginia Tech signs like it matters? You’re 45.

My kid takes pretty much all AP and honors courses, but that’s because she does well at them. That’s the only place where my “pushing” really works…to make her keep the grades up. Otherwise, most of my pushing is focused on my kid making more friends, which is really hard got them—and the pushing doesn’t even work. I’m always telling myself I’m going to stop, and then I find myself doing it again.

I have a pretty weird relationship with my parents, who I know loved me, but have always made me feel like I’m disappointing. They expected great things out of me, and I’m just an average person, and they never really let me forget it. I would rather not have that kind of relationship with my own child.

As my child gets closer to college, I’m also starting to wonder what all the insanity is for. Someone told me their kid was applying to Vanderbilt and it’s really hard to get into Vanderbilt, and I was like…is it? I mean, who cares? Is it really going to matter that much in the long run? That’s how I’m starting to see a lot of things. I have a friend who has such a great relationship with his family. And they are just supportive and non judgmental, and man….I hope my could end up having that kind of relationship with me. I think some people are naturally going to be gregarious and put themselves out there, and some people aren’t like that. And that’s my god created computer science.

I agree with most of what you’re saying, but part of the reason your kids are having difficulty making friends is because they aren’t involved in sports and sounds like not other activities. You’re missing the whole aspect of community (e.g. flying tech signs)…and as long as you’re totally dismissive of that your kids will have a hard time with friendships, and will also struggle as adults.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know. I have a weird, anxious, super introverted kid I love. They’re awesome. They don’t play sports. Never have. Husband and I don’t either. We walk for exercise. I don’t get this obsession everyone has with team sports. It’s strange. Adults around me still flying their Virginia Tech signs like it matters? You’re 45.

My kid takes pretty much all AP and honors courses, but that’s because she does well at them. That’s the only place where my “pushing” really works…to make her keep the grades up. Otherwise, most of my pushing is focused on my kid making more friends, which is really hard got them—and the pushing doesn’t even work. I’m always telling myself I’m going to stop, and then I find myself doing it again.

I have a pretty weird relationship with my parents, who I know loved me, but have always made me feel like I’m disappointing. They expected great things out of me, and I’m just an average person, and they never really let me forget it. I would rather not have that kind of relationship with my own child.

As my child gets closer to college, I’m also starting to wonder what all the insanity is for. Someone told me their kid was applying to Vanderbilt and it’s really hard to get into Vanderbilt, and I was like…is it? I mean, who cares? Is it really going to matter that much in the long run? That’s how I’m starting to see a lot of things. I have a friend who has such a great relationship with his family. And they are just supportive and non judgmental, and man….I hope my could end up having that kind of relationship with me. I think some people are naturally going to be gregarious and put themselves out there, and some people aren’t like that. And that’s my god created computer science.

Uh, ok.

If you don’t care about a lot of stuff in life, that’s ok, you don’t care. But don’t knock people who do care about other things, be it sports, vacations, socializing, traditions (holiday, alumni, sports, arts), and new adventures.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why not let kids just chillax and be themselves?

What does that even mean?

Raising kids doesn't just mean feeding them and watching them grow. They aren't plants or pets. They will be adults one day and to have the best chance of being heathy and fulfilled adults you have to help them develop talents, pursue interests (watching youtube and tiktok do not count as interests), a physical activity they can pursue into adulthood, work ethic. These are all important to in order to have a successful career that makes enough money to get ahead, finding a quality spouse, staying in shape and heathy as an adult, being an interesting person that others want to talk to.

Do you really though? Left to their own devices, they’ll find interests of their own. But it may not be interests you value or on your preferred timeline. Therein lies the issue. You’re still seeing their lives and choices as a reflection of you.

I have a kid who has a little neighborhood side hustle with a friend. They mow lawns, rake, weed, trim hedges, etc. They make a couple hundred a week but he doesn’t even spend the money on anything as we buy his clothes, pay for his tennis lessons, lift tickets, gadgets, etc. He just wants to see the money adding up in his bank account.

Anyway, he’d rather do this than join any of the ~ 60 or so school clubs at his high school. Like newspaper or debate team or something that might look “good” on a college application. Right now he only does tennis in the spring and water polo in the winter. But no academic clubs because he wants to focus on his “business” lol. Are we supposed to say no? At least he’s doing something. It is what it is.

[Anonymous]

It is what it is.

All my eastern and Slavic family had the same repressed attitude living under the regime. The classic eastern bloc attitude of how it doesn’t matter what you do or how hard you work, something else will passively scoot you somewhere (ie govt).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why not let kids just chillax and be themselves?

What does that even mean?

Raising kids doesn't just mean feeding them and watching them grow. They aren't plants or pets. They will be adults one day and to have the best chance of being heathy and fulfilled adults you have to help them develop talents, pursue interests (watching youtube and tiktok do not count as interests), a physical activity they can pursue into adulthood, work ethic. These are all important to in order to have a successful career that makes enough money to get ahead, finding a quality spouse, staying in shape and heathy as an adult, being an interesting person that others want to talk to.

Do you really though? Left to their own devices, they’ll find interests of their own. But it may not be interests you value or on your preferred timeline. Therein lies the issue. You’re still seeing their lives and choices as a reflection of you.

I have a kid who has a little neighborhood side hustle with a friend. They mow lawns, rake, weed, trim hedges, etc. They make a couple hundred a week but he doesn’t even spend the money on anything as we buy his clothes, pay for his tennis lessons, lift tickets, gadgets, etc. He just wants to see the money adding up in his bank account.

Anyway, he’d rather do this than join any of the ~ 60 or so school clubs at his high school. Like newspaper or debate team or something that might look “good” on a college application. Right now he only does tennis in the spring and water polo in the winter. But no academic clubs because he wants to focus on his “business” lol. Are we supposed to say no? At least he’s doing something. It is what it is.

PP, your kid sounds awesome. I'd be super proud if my kid was willing to work that hard at a difficult job.

But I disagree with your statement that your kids aren't a reflection of you. To some extent, your kids' choices and lifestyles are a reflection of you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know. I have a weird, anxious, super introverted kid I love. They’re awesome. They don’t play sports. Never have. Husband and I don’t either. We walk for exercise. I don’t get this obsession everyone has with team sports. It’s strange. Adults around me still flying their Virginia Tech signs like it matters? You’re 45.

My kid takes pretty much all AP and honors courses, but that’s because she does well at them. That’s the only place where my “pushing” really works…to make her keep the grades up. Otherwise, most of my pushing is focused on my kid making more friends, which is really hard got them—and the pushing doesn’t even work. I’m always telling myself I’m going to stop, and then I find myself doing it again.

I have a pretty weird relationship with my parents, who I know loved me, but have always made me feel like I’m disappointing. They expected great things out of me, and I’m just an average person, and they never really let me forget it. I would rather not have that kind of relationship with my own child.

As my child gets closer to college, I’m also starting to wonder what all the insanity is for. Someone told me their kid was applying to Vanderbilt and it’s really hard to get into Vanderbilt, and I was like…is it? I mean, who cares? Is it really going to matter that much in the long run? That’s how I’m starting to see a lot of things. I have a friend who has such a great relationship with his family. And they are just supportive and non judgmental, and man….I hope my could end up having that kind of relationship with me. I think some people are naturally going to be gregarious and put themselves out there, and some people aren’t like that. And that’s my god created computer science.

I agree with most of what you’re saying, but part of the reason your kids are having difficulty making friends is because they aren’t involved in sports and sounds like not other activities. You’re missing the whole aspect of community (e.g. flying tech signs)…and as long as you’re totally dismissive of that your kids will have a hard time with friendships, and will also struggle as adults.

+100

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know. I have a weird, anxious, super introverted kid I love. They’re awesome. They don’t play sports. Never have. Husband and I don’t either. We walk for exercise. I don’t get this obsession everyone has with team sports. It’s strange. Adults around me still flying their Virginia Tech signs like it matters? You’re 45.

My kid takes pretty much all AP and honors courses, but that’s because she does well at them. That’s the only place where my “pushing” really works…to make her keep the grades up. Otherwise, most of my pushing is focused on my kid making more friends, which is really hard got them—and the pushing doesn’t even work. I’m always telling myself I’m going to stop, and then I find myself doing it again.

I have a pretty weird relationship with my parents, who I know loved me, but have always made me feel like I’m disappointing. They expected great things out of me, and I’m just an average person, and they never really let me forget it. I would rather not have that kind of relationship with my own child.

As my child gets closer to college, I’m also starting to wonder what all the insanity is for. Someone told me their kid was applying to Vanderbilt and it’s really hard to get into Vanderbilt, and I was like…is it? I mean, who cares? Is it really going to matter that much in the long run? That’s how I’m starting to see a lot of things. I have a friend who has such a great relationship with his family. And they are just supportive and non judgmental, and man….I hope my could end up having that kind of relationship with me. I think some people are naturally going to be gregarious and put themselves out there, and some people aren’t like that. And that’s my god created computer science.

I agree with most of what you’re saying, but part of the reason your kids are having difficulty making friends is because they aren’t involved in sports and sounds like not other activities. You’re missing the whole aspect of community (e.g. flying tech signs)…and as long as you’re totally dismissive of that your kids will have a hard time with friendships, and will also struggle as adults.

+100

That's just because of overscheduling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know. I have a weird, anxious, super introverted kid I love. They’re awesome. They don’t play sports. Never have. Husband and I don’t either. We walk for exercise. I don’t get this obsession everyone has with team sports. It’s strange. Adults around me still flying their Virginia Tech signs like it matters? You’re 45.

My kid takes pretty much all AP and honors courses, but that’s because she does well at them. That’s the only place where my “pushing” really works…to make her keep the grades up. Otherwise, most of my pushing is focused on my kid making more friends, which is really hard got them—and the pushing doesn’t even work. I’m always telling myself I’m going to stop, and then I find myself doing it again.

I have a pretty weird relationship with my parents, who I know loved me, but have always made me feel like I’m disappointing. They expected great things out of me, and I’m just an average person, and they never really let me forget it. I would rather not have that kind of relationship with my own child.

As my child gets closer to college, I’m also starting to wonder what all the insanity is for. Someone told me their kid was applying to Vanderbilt and it’s really hard to get into Vanderbilt, and I was like…is it? I mean, who cares? Is it really going to matter that much in the long run? That’s how I’m starting to see a lot of things. I have a friend who has such a great relationship with his family. And they are just supportive and non judgmental, and man….I hope my could end up having that kind of relationship with me. I think some people are naturally going to be gregarious and put themselves out there, and some people aren’t like that. And that’s my god created computer science.

OP here. You sound like an ungrateful brat. Having parents with high expectations is a BLESSING, not a curse. Having parents who believe in you and who push you to accomplish extraordinary things is what leads to discipline, high achievement, and greatness. I would also be disappointed if my kid ends up being average or mediocre because (like your parents, PP) I expect my kid to accomplish great things. That's because I know they're capable of achieving amazing things if they put their mind to it.