What do I tell my son?

[Anonymous]

My ex has moved to the West Coast to follow his latest girlfriend and he found a new job. He shows no interest in our son anymore so I doubt he will be coming back here to visit him (his father lives out there so there isn't any reason to come back except to see his son). My son has a few important events coming up where both parents will be there so I honestly don't know what to tell him. I've invited his dad to them and he says that he won't promise anything which is translated to he won't be coming. My son is now at an age where he will notice that his dad is the only dad not there. It breaks my heart and I don't know the right thing to say when he says, "Why didn't Daddy come?" Any suggestions? He never had a close relationship with his dad so it isn't the day-to-day living that will be a problem. It is the special events where everyone else's dad and mom will be there that will be the issue.

[Anonymous]

I would tell him to talk to his dad. You need to keep a very non-judgemental tone and be supportive of your son, say nothing bad about your ex, let your son know that you will be there and give him his father's phone number. He needs to talk to his father directly and have that conversation. Don't be in the middle. If his father says he can't make it, don't make dad the bad guy, just support your son. He'll figure it out in time. Meanwhile, he doesn't need to worry about picking sides.

[Anonymous]

Definitely let his father know he needs to explain to his son why he is not in attendance.

He can explain to a. Kid now or a man in 10-12 years

[Anonymous]

OP,

Even if your son's father explains his not attending to your son, I think you have to be prepared to discuss his reaction to him. (If he doesn't talk to your son, you have to do the explaining. You can say he is too busy to attend, etc.) Words I gave my son: I know it would be great if your father could attend, but he's not able to. I know you missed him. Also is it possible that one father will not be there, traveling for work or something? If so, use that as an example. Even though I know the situations are different.

Hang in there.

[Anonymous]

I'm the OP. I am sure I will have to do the explaining as his father rarely calls and I am sure he won't answer my call after the event is over. My own father was just like this so I know the feelings my son will have as he gets older. I will try to be as matter of fact about it as I can.

[Anonymous]

You might also encourage him to share/accept his feelings about this. Especially since you know how it feels.

[Anonymous]

If this is as set in stone as it appears, I'd just be as age-appropriately honest as you can with your son. And I'd try to make these events special in other ways - maybe someone else can come, a grandparent?, or a special meal, or something else? It doesn't make up for it, but takes the sting off of it and leaves him with happy memories as opposed to just bad ones.

[Anonymous]

How old is the child?

[Anonymous]

I can guarantee that not everyone will have a mom and a dad there. You may only see the other kids with moms and dads but if you look around you will see other kids with only 1 parent.
Its a lot more common than it seems.

[Anonymous]

This event is a religious event where both parents are required to be there so it isn't like a sporting event or something. He is 8 yrs old.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This event is a religious event where both parents are required to be there so it isn't like a sporting event or something. He is 8 yrs old.

Just because both parents are required, does not mean both parents for all the kids will be there. You aren't the first single mother in the world...Fathers abandon their child, fathers die. Explain to him that dad will not be there but you will and that you love him very much. Perhaps you will be more disappointed (or embarressed) than your child? You are over thinking it.

[Anonymous]

There is a big difference between a father who died and one who didn't show up.

[Anonymous]

There are a fair number of men who have remarried, have infants or toddlers, and don't stay connected with the first set of children. Same as 30 years ago. So he won't be the only one. And this will come up again and again. He'll get used to it, but should talk about it a bit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm the OP. I am sure I will have to do the explaining as his father rarely calls and I am sure he won't answer my call after the event is over. My own father was just like this so I know the feelings my son will have as he gets older. I will try to be as matter of fact about it as I can.

Well, it obviously didn't bother you so much since you married your father. Why not get him into counseling so he can make better life decisions that you did?

[Anonymous]

Actually, I was attracted to him b/c he was nothing like my father...until we got divorced. I guess he seemed to think that the divorce also meant that he no longer had a relationship with his son. We get along fine and there really is no tension between us. He just slowly lost interest in his DS and now uses the fact that he lives far away as an excuse. He was never selfish like this when we were dating and were married. I guess I just think he needs to get over himself and show up. It isn't like he doesn't have the money or can't take the time off. I can only use the excuse, "Daddy has to work" so many times.