what to say to a friend who's divorcing?

[Anonymous]

I just heard via email from an old friend that she and her husband are separating (amicably, she says) and plan to divorce. They've been married 25 years and their children are both in college. It's not like DH and I haven't had other friends split up, but this one is really a shock. What to say under the cirucmstances? With other friends, I've been able to say, "I know things have been tough for a while, etc.", but I'm at a loss here.

[Anonymous]

Just "sorry" and remain her friend. When I divorced the most painful part was the isolation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: Just "sorry" and remain her friend. When I divorced the most painful part was the isolation.

+1

[Anonymous]

OP here -- yes, I know it's been tough for friends who split up and then saw their social lives fall off the radar, but thanks for the reminder.

[Anonymous]

So sad hearing another couple after so many years depart. Hard to remain close friends with both if a ugly divorce. Wish her well, listen with no judgement if you are closer to her.

[Anonymous]

"Wow, that must be really scary, knowing that you're going to grow old alone and not have someone with you when you die."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Wow, that must be really scary, knowing that you're going to grow old alone and not have someone with you when you die."

LOL, yeah that's what to say!

There isn't much to say, except express your consolation and compassion. Don't go on and on about your dismay, this will make her feel worse. You will probably need to choose sides. Invite your friend to do stuff together without your DH. Go to a movie or lunch, art gallery, just the two of you.

[Anonymous]

"Good, less chance for my divorce since stats indicate 60% and I am in your stat pool."

[Anonymous]

Wait, if it's amicable and it's what they want, why say sorry, you must be scared, etc. Maybe they view this as a beginning? Or even if one person wants it and the other isn't so sure, you don't know which is which. Maybe say, "I only want the best for you. I wish you the best. Let me know if you want to get together."

[Anonymous]

say :ok, and continue to invite them to the usual places/events
don't ever ask 'why', they'll tell you if they feel like it

[Anonymous]

Let's go on to Paris on a shopping trip?

[Anonymous]

1934 ++

[Anonymous]

It's divorce, not terminal cancer. Offer to be there for her and continue to include her in your life (lunches out, etc). Many of my married friends dropped me like a hot potato when I got divorced. It's not catching, people!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just heard via email from an old friend that she and her husband are separating (amicably, she says) and plan to divorce. They've been married 25 years and their children are both in college. It's not like DH and I haven't had other friends split up, but this one is really a shock. What to say under the cirucmstances? With other friends, I've been able to say, "I know things have been tough for a while, etc.", but I'm at a loss here.

I would actually take it as a positive sign if it was amicable. Two people built a life together, raised children well, but realize that with life expectancy rising that they really don't want the same things anymore - maybe one wants to live in a different part of the country and retire while the other does not. What would I say? It is always sad when something ends but you have so much life ahead of you that I wish the best and please count on my if you need anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's divorce, not terminal cancer. Offer to be there for her and continue to include her in your life (lunches out, etc). Many of my married friends dropped me like a hot potato when I got divorced. It's not catching, people!

Thats a shame.