Why do our inlaws bug us so much?
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Anonymous
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I have pretty good inlaws. They're mostly respectful of our parenting decisions, they include me in things, give me gifts during the holidays, offer help whenever we need it. And yet they drive me crazy! Especially MIL. I find that I'm sensitive. They comment constantly on how DS looks like DH and their side of the family. There's a big push to teach DS their family's traditions, while dismissing mine. They show up with the entire contents of their frig, leftovers and all and cover my counters with their food. They take over the cooking (I'm too healthy for them). FIL will up and take my 2 year old out of the house without telling me where they are going. Or will just get DS up in the morning because he wants to see him.
Obviously none of these are major offenses (except the disappearing act with DS), but somehow I find myself majorly annoyed by them when they stay with us. I'm a nice person, I listen well, I self reflect, I keep my crap in check. And yet..ugh! I get so grouchy by the end of their visits! I'm honestly ashamed of how I feel towards them sometimes. Anyone else sensitive like this? And why is it? Is it just the differences in our family cultures? I am dreading the day when I am the MIL. Seems like they all get a bad rap. |
Anonymous
| A lot of it is that you spent 20+ years building your relationships with your family. That's a lot of time to make up. And you lived with your parents everyday for a lot if that. It's hard to make up for that kind of time when creating a relationship. |
Anonymous
| How long have you been married? I ask because I think the PP is on to something. I, too, have Pretty good inlaws - nice people with good intentions. When I first started dating my DH, my inlaws drove me crazy. Everything they did was the exact opposite of the way I did things, my family did things, and the way that I like to do things. I chafed against their family traditions and habits for years. But, I have been a part of their family now for twenty years and most of the things that drove me crazy at the beginning are just minor annoyances now and I can amusedly see them as just part of their personalities. We are still really different but there is twenty years of experience tying us together. I think in the absence of actual thoughtlessness, these irritations go away with familiarity. |
Anonymous
| OP You need to grow up and chill out. Someday you will be the in-law. Think about it. |
Anonymous
| I don't know why, but I feel the same way as you. My Inlaws are not even that bad, and yet if I spend any amount of time with them, I want to punch them in the face. |
Anonymous
Spoken like an annoying MIL. |
Anonymous
| You need to take control of this situation and the sooner the better. They should not be in your house, your kitchen, your child doing whatever they please while you fume. I did this for 25 years and one day woke up full of anger. The situation will only get worse. Use your social skills to put a stop to this. Read the book "Boundaries" Someday you will be older -- and wish you had stood up for yourself! Good luck, and Merry Christmas! |
Anonymous
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Don't know if this holds true for you, but listening to friends and other posters on this site, I have a theory:
Our in-laws bug us, because most of the things that annoy us about our spouse are traits that hold true for their entire family, but without the being-in-love factor to dampen our annoyance. Passive-aggressive, avoider spouse? Same with in-laws. Argumentative, irrational spouse? Same with in-laws. Inconsiderate, self-absorbed spouse? Same with in-laws. Just a thought. |
Anonymous
Wrong....I have a grade school kids |
Anonymous
| I think 22:10 is really on to something. |
Anonymous
| I think we've had a lot more time to adjust to the idiosyncrasies of our own families. Our in-laws are sprung on us relatively quickly. By nature, we mostly think that the family who raised us is normal, and every other family is odd. My mom is a pack-rat, on the verge of being a hoarder. DH's mom never speaks plainly. She'll say, "I need to go to the store," when what she means is, "Can I please borrow your car so I can go to the store?" My mom bugs my husband, and his mom bugs me. When I complain to DH about something his mom said or didn't say, he tells me, "that's how she is." When DH is getting upset because we barely have room to make it to the bed when we stay at my parent's house, I tell him, "that's how she is." I do think that we often can be really hard on in-laws - in both directions. |
Anonymous
Pp-I totally agree! And I've noticed that after my inlaws leave, those traits my DH has from them are much stronger. I guess they are reinforced. Over our 12 years of marriage we've managed to find compromise, but I always have to remind him of it after his parents leave. We always have our worst arguments after visits from his parents. Old patterns die hard. |
Anonymous
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Actually I think of it differently. Each family has traditions, styles and manners that they live with and are accustomed to. When two people marry, they have to blend family styles. Some things you learn to accept, some things you compromise on and some things you stand firm to hold because they are important to you. You become proprietary about your house rules, your preferences and the lifestyle that you and your spouse have set.
Your in-laws consider your spouse to be their family and that in his/her house, they will continue their family traditions, styles, manners. It is often harder for older people to adapt as well as your spouse may have. Additionally, what may have taken you and your spouse months or years to work out, they have hours or days to learn how you do things and often for shorter visits (under a week) it is often harder to adapt on short notice. So they do things the way they always have, which may or may not mesh well with your household rules. Some spouses come from very similar backgrounds, and those families often can survive in-laws visits with a lot less friction. Others come from very different cultures and/or styles and those visits can often be very difficult. We come from not only different styles, but completely different cultures (my parents came to the States in the 1950's but are still very much Asian in culture and my inlaws are from an old Methodist family that traces some of its roots back to the Mayflower). There are many, many style and background frictions. What makes our visits more tolerable is that all of the family really try hard to be respectful and to adapt to the household rules. It doesn't always work, they often forget and revert, but they all try very hard. But we still have a limit of one week after which the tensions get high. |
Anonymous
Not always. In our case, many of the traits that bother me most about my in-laws, also bother my spouse. My spouse moved far away from the family after college in part to get away from many of those same things that annoy me about my in-laws. In other respects, my spouse is similar to the in-laws, but has worked over the last 14 years that we've been together to stop some of the annoying traits and so is far less so. Our biggest problem is that our family communication styles are the exact opposite. My family is a brash, loud immigrant family who talks over each other and is very explicit about what we want. My in-laws find this to be rude and imposing. They try to be non-confrontational and when asked if they like/want anything they say everything is "fine" and that anything is okay with them, but they aren't happy when things aren't the way they want them, but won't say anything. You have to read their minds and figure out what they really want. I leave it to my spouse to figure out and interpret what they really want. For example, for health reasons, they have dietary restrictions that I would be happy to observe, but they always say we can go anywhere for lunch/dinner. So I pick, then later find that while they enjoyed dinner, they were upset because there was nothing on the menu that they could really eat on their diet and they have problems eating near us. Had they mentioned the dietary restrictions we could have chosen a place to eat that would fit their requirements. So we learn about this one thing, and then the next issue rears its ugly head. Some times, my visits with my inlaws feels like trying to solve the Da Vinci Code and we've been married for 11 years and together for 14. |
Anonymous
This is so true. My husband is negative, moody, and anxious. But I love him because he's kind, generous, and smart. I get to see his good traits, but can't see past my MIL's negativity. |